The Main Dish

2010's New Year's Resolution Kept!

2010-12-30T21:35:00.015-04:00

In January, Dish resolved that this year she would finally complete the Tetris throw blanket she designed in August 2008. And yesterday, January 29, 2010, just under the wire, she completed the goal. Here it is, from start to finish! Dish cannot believe it is finally done!!

The pattern.

The yarn.

The completed squares, all 200 of them: 84 black, 36 blue, 36 green, 16 red and 28 yellow. Each one took between 30 to 40 minutes to knit.

The finished product!!! Dish likes to call it "Waiting for a Stick". Now that the project is finally complete, Dish would like to send a shout-out to Jeannine for being a competitor in all the frustrating Tetris games that inspired this project and also to Ryan who lent me the Super Nintendo and Tetris game that started it all.

Completely Astonishing

2010-07-30T15:20:00.003-03:00

This is not a word of a lie.

Today at work I attended a meeting where we were informed that this meeting was a follow-up to a previous meeting that was held in 1994.

This is truly an excellent example of the efficiency of our government.

Catalog Living

2010-07-27T22:30:00.001-03:00

Thanks to Michelle and the bloggers at Go Fug Yourself, I am now aware of a fabulous site called Catalog Living.

"Ever wondered who lives in those immaculate and overdecorated rooms you see in catalogs, with those brightly smiling children who are impossibly excited about owning a monogrammed towel? Wonder no more: The Catalog Living site imagines the occupants as a couple named Gary and Elaine, and scripts short captions about their lives."

Here is one of Dish's favourites:

Private property…

Gary Jr. painstakingly straightened his Star Wars figures after once again catching his dad playing with them.

Also check out the post labelled "A twist of something." This is time well wasted people!

15 Minutes of Fame

2010-07-12T21:34:00.016-03:00

As you may have noticed, Dish has been slightly less than diligent keeping up with her blog posting. Nothing for months and then here we are with not one, not two but THREE blog posts all in one evening!

Now, as some of you may remember, back in March, Dish attended the concert of one of her co-workers, David Nelson Ostrosser (also starring Hugo Lyrette on guitar and Dominic Bouchard on drums) at Le P'tit Canot in the wilds of Gatineau. Good times were definitely had by all. There may have even been some storming of the stage. And the result? Dish and Lesley get their 15 minutes (or possibly closer to two seconds) of fame in a short cameo appearance in the live video footage for "All of Your Underwear."

Some other photos of the night (click to enlarge).

I can't hear you Gatineau!

Katey looking on in shock as Lesley and Dish prepare to storm the stage.

The cat fight that took place off-camera.

Wait! There are enough pairs for everyone.

Lesley and Dish reconcile and persuade Katey to form a new girl band with them.

That's enough fun. Time to go home.

Many thanks to David (DNO) for including us in the video. Maybe if we're lucky, we can become regulars! ;o) Watch some of his other classics here. Just try listening to "Ain't Much Meat on the Hook" without getting it stuck in your head! I double-dog dare you!

A Miraculous Find

2010-07-12T21:08:00.008-03:00

Every May in Ottawa brings the Great Glebe Garage Sale. It is a must-attend event, as one never knows what one will find there. And Dish must say, that Palmer is the king of the garage sale find. This year was no exception. This year, Palmer truly outdid himself. Dish was shocked and amazed at what he managed to come up with.

If you can't believe your eyes, you are not alone! YES! He found ANOTHER Red Hots 2 Minute Hot Dog Cooker and this one still in its original packaging!! How does he do it folks?

Apparently, he spotted the cooker and made a mad dash. Much excitement ensued. Other garage salers pushed eagerly to know more about the magical find that would cause such shouts of joy and exclamations of glee. In his own words, "I didn't even barter. I just paid full price. One dollar."

Now, thanks to Palmer, Dish is the lucky owner of not one but TWO Red Hots 2 Minute Hot Dog Cookers. She now has the original box AND the original instruction manual.

What does this mean for you?

Well, if your name is Gus Johnson, it means you may have another job on your hands. (Dish has yet to try the new hot dog cooker to see if it works. Actually though, she has high hopes for this one as the electrodes appear to have burn marks left over from previously electrocuted hot dogs.) It may also mean the start to a lucrative new side business in hot dog cooker repair. Everyone wants a Red Hots 2 Minute Hot Dog Cooker and, apparently, they may be able to get them. This just goes to show that if you wish hard enough for something, the universe will provide!

As for the rest of you, it signals an end to all that impatient waiting for hot dogs. Dish can now cook not just four but EIGHT hot dogs in just two minutes. Delicious electrocuted weiners for everyone!!!

A Fabulous Gift

2010-07-12T20:40:00.006-03:00

Public thanks for this fantabulous birthday gift from my beloved friend Jennie is long overdue. Check out this rockin Smurf pillow that she knit with her own two hands. Many thanks also to Diane for transporting it all the way from Nova Scotia! This pillow was many years in the making, but it was well worth the wait! Thanks Jennie!

Verdict: HERO and then some!

2010-04-13T20:15:00.001-03:00

Zero or Hero?

2010-03-10T21:45:00.000-04:00

Dish has decided to be lenient and give the "Anonymous" Coward more time to prove himself. She patiently awaits further developments with regard to her Red Hots 2 Minute Hot Dog Cooker.

The City that Fun Forgot

2010-01-12T18:15:00.002-04:00

And quel surprise! Dish is talking about Ottawa. In a move reminiscent of Footloose (or, if you prefer, Foot Louis), the National Capital Commission, the body that organizes Ottawa’s Winterlude, has decided to cancel all of the outdoor concerts associated with the festival this year. Next they will be banning rock music and dancing completely!

The supposed reason for the concert cancellation? Apparently, the generator used to heat the stage causes too large of a carbon footprint and the NCC is trying to plan an environmentally friendly Winterlude.

Now, Dish is all about environmental-friendliness, but there is such a thing as going too far. We live in CANADA people! Dish hates to state the obvious, but sometimes it is necessary to run a generator to provide heat in a climate this cold. Dish suspects this is more about money than it is about the environment.

The only question remaining? Where is Kevin Bacon when you need him.

Happy Birthday Palmer!

2009-08-03T09:54:00.003-03:00

In honour of Palmer's birthday, allow Dish to post this interesting article, which discusses a recurring point of disagreement between Palmer and Dish--Bono and his political views. David Byrne of the Talking Heads agrees with Dish. Palmer should get on board too. ;o)

Dish Hearts Gowan

2009-08-02T22:15:00.000-03:00

This review was written for Palmer's World, but Dish may as well post it here too.

*****

Dish is flattered that she would be selected to provide a Bluesfest review for Palmer’s World. It takes her back to the good old days of the guest rant. Contrary to popular belief, Dish is not actually a huge Styx fan. She is familiar with only some of their musical repertoire and basically started listening to them because her beloved Gowan joined the band as the lead singer in 1999.

Let’s just say that, even as a member of Styx, Gowan did not disappoint. His energy and enthusiasm are contagious. And the man is talented. Dish last saw him on his final solo tour before he joined Styx. At that time, he was playing small venues. He shouted out to the crowd to name a song, any song, and then he would proceed to play it, no matter what it was. The man could sit down and play Spice Girls on his keyboard on the spot and you know that is not something he secretly practiced for hours at home. That is a sign of incredible skill.

As further evidence of his talent, during the Styx concert, he was seen to play his keyboard the wrong way around – right hand where the left hand should be and black notes where white notes should be. Completely amazing!

All in all, this was money well spent. Although the set list consisted of all Styx songs, except for “Criminal Mind,” which was the best part of the show, Dish was thoroughly impressed. The music was upbeat and the crowd was enthusiastic.

One slight disappointment is that apparently the band no longer plays “Mr. Roboto” or “Babe” live because of some legal troubles with Dennis DeYoung, Styx’s former lead singer. This is too bad given that these are two of Styx’s cheesiest hits. “Babe” is definitely a great “get out your lighter” song and, as for “Mr. Roboto,” the song speaks for itself: “Secret, secret. I’ve got a secret.”

Regardless, Dish was still happy listening to some of Styx’s other greatest hits, including “Too Much Time on my Hands,” “The Grand Illusion,” “Fooling Yourself (The Angry Young Man),” “Blue Collar Man” and, of course, “Come Sail Away,” which involved a sad amount of confetti being launched out into the crowd. This made Dish laugh, but she felt that what would have been more effective than confetti is if the crowd had been given paper sailor hats like they were when the cast sang “Sailing” at the end of Tonight’s the Night, the Rod Stewart Musical.

Final verdict: Styx should be given a pat on the back for their smarts in recognizing that Gowan would make a great addition to their band and another one for bringing the masses a special kind of cheesy rock. Dish gives this concert two thumbs up.

New Kid on the Blog

2009-07-06T19:38:00.002-03:00

Muzungu Diaries - The tale of my little sister's adventures in Africa.

Deep-frying Goes Awry

2009-07-05T17:09:00.020-03:00

At Christmas, Dish happened upon a joyous discovery in the form of a deep-fried Mars bar at Brits Fish and Chips in Charlottetown. She then set about seeking out such deep-fried goodness here in Ottawa. (By the way, if you are interested, the delicacy in Dish's left hand is half a deep-fried jam sandwich.)

A Google search led her to the Newfoundland Pub, which turned out to be a total dud in so many more ways than one. In short, the deep-fried Mars bar tasted suspiciously like the chicken fingers Dish had eaten just a moment before.

Dish left disappointed but not defeated. She tried calling the Glen Scottish Restaurant in Kanata. Given that Scotland is the land of deep-fried goodness, she figured they would have to have deep-fried Mars bars on the menu. Apparently not. In fact, when Dish phoned to ask, the person who answered the phone actually laughed in her face! The nerve!

Just when she thought that all was lost and that the deep-fried Mars bar in Ottawa was as elusive as garlic fingers, Dish stumbled upon this recipe and a seemingly ingenious idea was born. KT and Dish decided to embark upon a deep-frying adventure and make their own deep-fried Mars bars.

Here's how it went down.

KT gets the oil ready.

It's safety first in Dish's kitchen (after all, she didn't do that whole Safety Every Day series for nothing you know.

You can never be too careful...

Dish tests the oil temperature using a candy thermometer...

KT stirs up the batter, which looked suspiciously like paste...

Dish attempts to coat the Mars bar with batter...

The Mars bar goes into the oil...

Unfortunately, the batter was not sticking and so, when we put the Mars bar into the oil, the chocolate started to melt and burn. This was even grosser in real life than in the picture. We then added more flour to the batter to try to make it more sticky, which worked a little better.

This one's ready...

What was left after Dish strained the burnt chocolate out of the oil (Eww)...

The end results (including the bread we used to test the oil temperature, which actually turned out better than the Mars bars)...

Dish gets rid of the extra batter (Eww)...

Presentation is everything...

Final product (it's amazing what chocolate sauce can do to jazz up a disaster)...

In summary:

Pros:
1) Dish and KT managed to deep fry without needing the fire extinguisher and Dish's kitchen is still intact.
2) Dish can't think of anything other pros, which is pretty bad considering she will generally eat anything that is deep fried (Remember the weekly deep-fried basket of mystery at the Jug?)

Cons:
1) The batter tasted like rubber.
2) Dish had to wash all the dishes multiple times because they were covered with a film of grease.
3) Dish's whole apartment smelled like McDonald's for a week.

Dish has decided that her days of in-house deep frying are over. She will leave this kitchen skill up to the professionals from now on. Lesson learned.

Next kitchen experiment: Putting Creamsicles in the blender to try to recreate the creamsicle milkshake at the Works. Who's in? :o)

Thirty-three

2009-05-07T07:00:00.001-03:00

The Biggest Disappointment of Dish's Life

2009-05-06T22:00:00.028-03:00

Ok. Well, perhaps that is a slight exaggeration, but this incident definitely rates high on the disappointment scale. Friday, some friends (who shall remain nameless to protect the not-so-innocent) and Dish got together for white trash goodness at its best (i.e. the Rock of Love Bus finale and hot dogs).

Dish brought with her the Red Hots 2 Minute Hot Dog Cooker . Now for some reason Dish cannot explain, despite having received the Red Hots 2 Minute Hot Dog Cooker in 2007, she has never actually tried cooking a hot dog in it. Perhaps she was waiting for the perfect opportunity. And this, my friends, was it. Let's tell this story in pictures, shall we?

Cracking open the hot dogs...

These hot dogs are not standard size!

But that is easily remedied...

Dish is not sure she agrees with putting all the hot dog bits in there. There is something unappetizing about hot dog bits.

Yay! Ready to go! Two regular hot dogs, one veggie dog and a bunch of sketchy looking hot dog bits!

As per the instructions, Dish plugged in the hot dog maker and shut the lid. The indicator light was then supposed to come on to show Dish that her hot dogs were cooking and, in a mere two minutes, she should have had deliciously cooked hot dogs. But OH THE DISAPPOINTMENT! Note the lack of shiny lit up indicator light (and Dish’s expression of sadness and defeat).

The hot dogs (and bits) will have to be boiled. Now KT’s house smells like hot dog day. All that's missing is that orange drink with no fizz from MacDonald's.

The freedom fries turned out deliciously! Good work Michelle!

I was forced to eat the hot dog bits...

Someone couldn't wait to eat the bits.

There wasn't even time to pour the ketchup out of the bottle.

Kyle arrives to try to save the day by fixing the Red Hots 2 Minute Hot Dog Cooker...

But alas. He is unsuccessful. He is undeterred and eats the hot dogs raw instead. Dish does not approve.

The moral of this story? Never, never, NEVER mess with the Universe. What did Dish say? Quote: "The true temptation here is to write to Charlescraft and tell them that my beloved Red Hots machine has broken and I can't live without it and see what they can do for me. I wonder do they still have any of these things on hand?" And what happened?! You can see what happened!!

Oh. And just one more thing: Why Universe?! WHY?!

Trish needs...

2009-02-17T22:16:00.004-04:00

So Dish's lovely friend Elmyra always insists upon tagging her in these notes/surveys on Facebook that one is supposed to fill out and tag others and so on and so on.

The latest note told Dish: Go to google and write your name and the word 'needs', in quotes — as in "Dish needs" — and write down the first 10 sensical sentences that come up.

I must say that I did have to laugh at some of these, so I will post them for your enjoyment. And, just by way of information, Dish is quite certain that sensical is not actually a word. Anyway, on to the time waster at hand...

1. Trish needs a makeover (doh!).
2. Trish needs to always be in control of the situation and her men (That should have read "menions". haha).
3. Trish needs a job.
4. Trish needs a makeover (ANOTHER ONE! OK UNIVERSE, OK!).
5. Trish needs to buy herself a watch (Yes, I can admit maybe it is time to let go of my current time piece).
6. Trish needs some help(Maybe with my makeover. Sheesh!).
7. Trish needs you.
8. Trish needs these (Whatever they may be).
9. Trish needs to lose 15-20 lbs than she would be HOT (I shake my fist at you Google and I also don't approve of your poor grammar).

And, the best for last...

10. Trish needs to come back to the WWE, we all miss her she was one of the best divas (Again with the grammar, but it is more forgivable this time).

Now, what I'd really like to know is who comes up with this stuff and why I feel compelled to participate in it.

Oops...

2009-02-11T22:13:00.001-04:00

It has come to Dish's attention that she has been horribly remiss in failing to send a birthday shout-out to the one and only Gus Johnson, a man who has many pseudonyms that all tend to start with the letter "G".

In honour of the day of his birth, let us all watch and enjoy the video for The Cure's Close to Me. This was one of Dish's favourite videos back in the day. The quality here is not the most stellar, but the only other alternative was the other version with less clapping and an "under the sea" motif, which Dish finds far less effective.

Hope the birthday was a good one. :o)

Dear Dish on Rule Breakage

2009-02-11T21:50:00.000-04:00

Dear Dish:

I'm a long time reader, first time writer.

My question is this: Should I speak up when I see someone breaking the rules? For example, recently I was at the gym and there are signs everywhere asking people to sign up for the equipment and not use the exercise equipment for longer than 20 minutes. While I was working up a sweat on one of the glidey thingies, a woman came up to the girl working out next to me and asked if she had signed up for the machine. The girl said she "forgot" and then proceeded to tell the woman she had only been on the machine for 7 minutes. I knew this for a lie since I had been on my machine for nearly 10 minutes and the girl had been using her machine before me. Plus, I could see on her machine that she had been working out for at least 15 but most likely nearly 20. I said nothing because I didn't want to cause a scene or be called an eavesdropper (although the conversation was spoken loudly because the gym was very crowded and therefore noisy). I finished my workout after 15 minutes and then I noticed that the girl restarted her machine for ANOTHER 20 minutes.

Should I have said something? Reported to the proper authorities like a little tattle tale? Please Dish! I need you to do my thinking for me!!!!

Sincerely,

Sweaty and Steamed

P.S. What is your opinion on exercising in a gym anyway? Is it a futile effort? Or a noble endeavor?

Dear Steamed Muscles:

What on earth were you doing in a place like the gym in the first place!? Dish does not approve of these so-called gyms. Don't you realize that the term "exercise equipment" is simply a fancy synonym for "torture device"? A treadmill is merely a modern day iron maiden of sorts, and Dish is not talking about the cool rock band Iron Maiden but rather the old school casket-like device filled with the pointy nails and such. The only piece of exercise equipment that Dish can fully get on board with is the elliptical machine because it has a magical way of taking the uncoordinated and making them look graceful and poised.

But, on to the true issue at hand…The first thing to remember in this type of situation is that no one likes the tattle tale. If your first instinct when you see someone breaking the rules is to run shouting about how someone isn't doing what they are supposed to be doing, it may be indicative of deeper problems. Tattlers often lack self-esteem. They desperately seek attention and reassurance from some sort of authority figure to help them feel validated. Years of therapy may be required to get to the bottom of these issues.

Of course, we don't want to be extreme. There are some situations in which "tattling" is the right course of action. In general, it is ok to "tattle" if someone could be seriously hurt by your failure to speak up or to act. Dish definitely does not want her advice to be misinterpreted and thereby indirectly encourage her readers to fall victim to the bystander effect. That would indeed be tragic.

There are times when it is appropriate to intervene and there are times when it is best to leave the people involved to work out the problem themselves. In this situation, Dish would recommend holding your tongue since you were not directly involved in the situation and since the most harm that was likely to be done was that someone would be inconvenienced. Ideally, the woman who wanted to use the treadmill should have been more assertive when approaching the person who was already on it. Rather than merely asking if the person on the treadmill was signed up for the machine, she should have said "Excuse me. I am signed up for this machine during this time slot." Surely then two mature adults could have come to some sort of compromise.

On the other hand, no one likes a liar so you would have been completely justified in pointing at the woman on the treadmill and shouting, "Liar, liar pants on fire!" and letting mayhem ensue. Of course, if you plan to take such drastic action, you must be prepared to face the consequences, whatever they may be.

Best of luck,
Dish

Aunt Dish

2009-02-11T21:30:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers:

I am finally getting around to acknowledging your desperate cries for a blog update. I've also been told that the dialogue about Dish's life is missed, so I will try to intersperse Dear Dish advice with ramblings about my own doings.

First, and most importantly, I would like to introduce the world to the future Dish (well, kind of…). Please meet Johanna and Steve’s new baby Charlotte Patricia, named after her great-grandmother on her father’s side and her Aunt Dish! She is such a cutie. You pick her up and she curls into a little ball in your arms.

Speaking of cuties…Here’s a few others who deserve some face time...

Another Late Dish for a Day Entry

2008-12-18T22:28:00.007-04:00

Our good friend Dr. Bob is back with more advice than ever. Dish means it. This is a long one. Get ready for it. Here is his response to the Dish for a Day question.

Dear Reader,

The secret that Dish has harboured for the past few years is that she is a redundant advice giver when it comes to simple questions such as 'mistletoe etiquette'. A simple Google search should find the answers we need. Here, let me google that for you. Click on the link provided. No, really. Click on it.
http://letmegooglethatforyou.com/?q=mistletoe+etiquette

Don't you love that? It's a hilarious feature of Google that shows you how simple it is to Google things! Now, if you still haven't clicked the link, just please do so.

Let's see what is the first link in the Google results. Now this is interesting...it's a link that leads to an actual article about mistletoe tips. Now, why wouldn't the actual article be the #1 hit on Google? Very strange. Perhaps there are pictures of what happens after a little too much eggnog as well as some fun under the mistletoe (and we aren't talking about laying an airkiss on the individual. We are talking full lip contact here people.)

Wow, this article is not just an article, it's a manifesto. Look at the name! The Clarisonic Mistletoe Manifesto.

That is superb. Every good advice should be name a Manifesto. In fact, Dish should not be giving out advice, it should become a manifesto. At this point, we all know that this response is not even written as Dish would write it as it has crude imagery, mild ranting and no help whatsoever other than pointing out the obvious to you, that Dish is redundant in terms of a question such as the etiquette of mistletoe. It is clearly Doctor Robert coming to the rescue with a response that will not only entertain you, but also wish you were me. Or at least with me. Ladies, I'm a taken man by Nurse Shazam. Hands off. But I digress. Let's get back to the Mistletoe Manifesto with a grand commentary. Have you read the Manifesto yet which is found via a link through the first Google result? Do so. It's quite an entertaining read. In fact, use my commentary track below while reading it. Think of it as a Director's commentary on a DVD.

Office Kissing: Ill advised? What the heck. There are some hot people out there in the office (Dish being one of them) and we all know everyone loves a kiss after some eggnog. Or a quart of it.

Hey, wait a second, there's mention of the 'air kiss' here! Dish's Mom may have been cribbing from this Manifesto and for that I applaud her. Not only did she do the smart thing and perform some Googlized research, but she twisted other's knowledge into her own smart, witty reply. I can only imagine what Dish's mother must be like considering her daughter is also witty and beautiful. But I digress.

Sharing a kiss with a lover: The Full Lip Lock Kiss? Does this allow for some tongue? We are living in the year 2008 here. I would think that tongue is somewhat acceptable nowadays.

Encountering a relative: I must admit that this is some pretty ridiculous advice if you are under the age of twenty. There's no way that a teenager would want to plant their lips on their cousin's cheek, unless they are George Michael from Arrested Development. Ick. But over twenty years of age, it's a given that it's alright to throw a cheek kiss into the mix with family. For those interacting with Francophones out there during the holidays, don't forget that both cheeks need to be kissed and technically, you're not supposed to actually kiss the cheek with your lips. It's some weird thing where you only touch each others cheek with your cheek. Odd. If you actually kiss one cheek with the lips, it's hard to navigate to the other side without making a stopover at their lips. Which isn't a bad thing in most cases because the French sont très belle. That's French for "Dang, she's hot."

Just Friends: What is this 'corner to corner kiss' they talk about? Honey, if you're on the periphery of their lips, that's just a tease. May as well go for the gold and get it over with. Plus, you may give what your friend what they want during this Festive season. Secretly of course. There's a theory that every friend has the hots for you. This is a true theory and whoever doesn't believe is clearly quite ugly. But I digress.

Meeting the Neighbours: What the heck, they only deserve a handshake? That is ridiculous. So you're allowed to kiss your cousin on the cheek, but you can't give your neighbour a little loving? This neighbour probably shovels your driveway at least once in a winter! This person deserves a case of beer and a good kiss on the cheek at the very least. But we all know that the cheek kiss just isn't enough and chances are, you've definitely had your eye on the hot neighbour before, so lay one on them for the sake of being Festive. That's the beauty of the holidays...you can get away with a full blown lip lock (with post Y2K tongue action) and no one will hold it against you. Granted, you may not see mistletoe at the party ever again. But I digress.

Can I point out that that they have an excellent handshaking tip in that you should always have your drink in your left hand? Well done Manifesto writer. You're thinking outside the box for all eventualities.

Meeting a stranger: Ok, well this one is very strange. So you can give your neighbour a handshake, but you can give a complete stranger an air kiss? Isn't the air kiss a little more risqué than a handshake? I really don't understand this Manifesto. I don't think they have actually been to a party with mistletoe. Which is definitely commonplace nowadays. In fact, where can you even buy mistletoe? Or the better question is, can anyone born past 1975 even identify mistletoe in a lineup? I think not. They would probably think poison ivy was mistletoe.

So there you have it. That is how you find the answer to your question without bothering the Dish with a simple question. Read that last point again: You do not need Dish for trivial questions such as 'what is mistletoe etiquette'? This is not to say that Dish is not useful. Quite the contrary. But she should be reserved for complex questions that have many factors in it. For example, here's one that Google can't figure out for you.

Dear Dish,

Let's say I'm at a party and there's a girl I really like and she is standing at the mistletoe giving me 'these eyes'. You know, the ones that The Guess Who speak of. The thing is, you have a few things going through your mind right then and there. One: You need to go to the washroom. Two: You have a gabber talking your ear off. The conversation is quite funny and he is a good friend, but at the same time, you need to get away because Three: You need to mix yourself another drink and Four: Oh look, someone put out candy canes out on the Jason Voorhees's machete. Jason is on the table (as a statue mind you, he is not really there in person.)

Now the thing is, this statue is all sorts of awesome. I mean, it's got some amazing detail. You wonder who gets the job of sculpting this creature's face. But then you start thinking of the girl's face who is standing under the mistletoe. She even has a cute Santa hat on. That's super-hot and I am feeling a disturbance in the Force because of her. It's like Pee-Wee is leaving the playhouse or something. Or maybe Ricky Martin has gone back inside the DeLorean and removed his music CDs from existence which somehow results in the starting of World Peace (surprisingly having Richard Simmons become the President of the USA who won on a platform of good fitness. What the heck? This is like a Bizarro version of the world as we know it. In fact, there really are Wookies roaming around! What is this? Planet of the Apes? But I digress.)

So my question is, is it wrong to think of Jason Voorhees and then to automatically think of this girl? Isn't that a strange connection? Should I stay away from this girl considering if I do end up liking her, I may also start having strange thoughts as soon as she reaches for the knife in the kitchen?

Google can't answer that one for you people. Only the Dish can. With her wit, charm, and beautiful smile.

Merry Christmas to all.

Doctor Robert

Dish would like to point out that she made the first question one that was easy to google on purpose to build confidence among participants. The second and third questions were the ones that showed whether readers could think on their feet or not. Interestingly enough, Dr. Bob did not even attempt to answer those questions. However, in the spirit of the holidays, Dish is willing to overlook this omission, as well as the fact that Dr. Bob actually called her redundant, particularly because Dr. Bob is quite free with his flattery of Dish.

Dish and Dr. Bob = Friends Forever. :o)

Ay Ay Ay

2008-12-15T22:00:00.000-04:00

Dish was recently watching Ricky Martin performing his beloved Christmas hit live in NYC. If there were ever any doubt about just what was meant by "Ay Ay Ay," this video certainly clears things up. Ha ha. I love this song.

Dish for a Day Wrap-up

2008-12-15T20:45:00.000-04:00

Well boys and girls. That’s it. The deadline has passed for entries to the Dish For a Day contest. Dish received a grand total of three entries, all from members of her family (immediate and extended). Dish would like to take this opportunity chastise the many other readers who had a large list of lame excuses as to why they felt they could not enter the contest.

Dish must say that she was very impressed that all participants knew the answer to the bonus question! Good work family! Dish is so proud! The reference to "making out with everyone in the playhouse" comes from Dish’s favourite Christmas special, Pee Wee’s Christmas.

Since Dish feels that she shouldn't be forced to choose among her family members, all three participants will receive a copy of this year's Christmas cd.

Now, without further ado, I present to you the results of the contest and the answers to these pressing Christmas questions.

Entry #1

This first entry is from my very own dear maman. Dish has to admit that this almost made her fall off her chair laughing. Perhaps it is because she doesn’t often hear such things from her mother, or perhaps it is just because the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Dish finds the possibility that she shares her mother's sense of humour a little frightening to say the least. (Note to Mom: Just kidding! I love you!)

Dear Miss Yvonne:

The best way to avoid "mistletoe etiquette" is to avoid mistletoe altogether. But if you are single and happen to find yourself under some mistletoe and the other party is drop-dead gorgeous, then go for the liplock and hang on. On the other hand, if the other party is not appealing to you, then airkiss and run.

To avoid problems with married people, have a sign put up around the mistletoe saying, "No married people beyond this point."

As for Ricky Martin, obviously the " Ay Ay Ay" kisses are huge Hershey kisses and we know Ricky really wants the bows for himself.

If a Wookiee already has a comb for Christmas, then the only thing to get a Wookiee is a great big Christmas cookie.

And no, Miss Yvonne, the mistletoe doesn't give you the right to make out with everyone in the playhouse--only PeeWee Herman in PeeWee's Christmas Special would do that!

SWAK
A Dish Wannabe

Entry #2

This second one is from my lovely cousin Catherine.

Ms. Yvonne,

To kiss or not to kiss, that is the holiday question.

During the holiday season we can find ourselves in a world full of mistletoe. When you find yourself standing under it remember this. If it's your spouse or partner under there with you, then a full on lip locking is appropriate, just remember that there are other people around who will see. At the office holiday party, try to keep your head on straight when you find yourself under the mistletoe with a co-worker. Keep in mind you don't want to be the hot topic around the water cooler on Monday. Just a friend that's under there with you, the standard "cheek kiss" should do just fine. Over at the neighbours you can never go wrong with the old-fashioned handshake. You might want to carry your drink in your left hand so your right hand is free for handshaking. In most situations, you could give the impression that you are cultured and refined and go for the European "two-cheek air kiss" -- it's a winner under the mistletoe, or anytime! Unless, Ms. Yvonne, you find yourself at PeeWee's Play House for his Christmas Special, then rules need not apply.

I think Ricky has come up with a cheapest excuse for a gift. In his song "Ay, Ay, Ay It's Christmas," he is continually singing about how he doesn't have a gift, and it's almost Christmas and he doesn't know what to do. So he came up with a lame gift. He wants you to imagine that while he is kissing you underneath this magical mistletoe, you are the only gift he needs; wrapped tightly in his arms...."the shiny red bow."

As for the Wookie who already has a comb, you can get him Charmin Extra Strong. It's made with flex weave fibres for extra strength so it holds up better than the regular kitten brand to help get him clean and so that there is nothing left behind. Plus it still has the softness he'll love!

Dish

Entry #3

This third entry comes from another dear cousin Jess. It was a little late, but Dish is willing to overlook that because it's Christmas after all.

Dear Miss Yvonne,

Mistletoe can be a minefield this time of year. It does not give you, or others, the right to "make out with everyone in the playhouse," as Pee-Wee so elegantly put it in his Christmas Special. Don't be that person chasing people around the party trying to get kisses from everyone in sight. You'll have more people avoiding you than the fruitcake. As for kissing style, when in doubt, go for the very European cheek or air kiss. This is a respectful, yet chic kiss that will dazzle everyone with your continental ways. It is also convenient when you get stuck under said mistletoe with a lush or a groping-Gordon (or groping-Georgia) as you can place your hands on their shoulders to give yourself ample distance or leverage should you become entangled in a bear hug. If you are fortunate enough to be caught under the mistletoe with a paramour go ahead and give that special someone a nice, full kiss on the lips. But let's remember there are other people in the room and no one likes having your love rubbed in their faces.

I am sure Ricky Martin was referring to the chocolate kisses, around which bows would be perfectly able to wrap themselves. If he did not mean the chocolate kisses, he does mention that said mistletoe is magic and therefore anything is possible. It is Christmas, after all.

As for what to get a Wookie when he already has a comb, I believe any wookie would appreciate a gift certificate to a salon. Because even after a hard day of fighting off bounty-hunters and the Galactic Empire with a bowcaster, a Wookie wants to feel and look his best.

Sincerely,

Tasty Aperitif

Once again, Dish would like to thank all participants. This just goes to show that the spider monkey Stewarts are a smart bunch. :o)

Funny Ferda Moments

2008-12-08T22:30:00.001-04:00

So, Saturday night brought me to Holly’s annual Christmas soirée. There were a couple of random moments, both involving Ferda, that are definitely worth noting.

Random Moment #1

Ferda: Did you try the guacamole? It’s really good.
Dish: Oh yeah. I did. It was delicious.

Overheard by Dish later that evening….

Ferda (to someone else): I brought the guacamole.
Dish (interrupting): Wait a minute! You brought the guacamole?

Ferda was totally trying to pimp out her own contribution to the potluck!

Random Moment #2

It’s time for the gift exchange.

Dish: Hey. I like the look of that present with the pink feathery thing on it.
Ferda: Yeah. That one looks pretty cool.

Someone selects the gift in question and opens it.

Ferda (to the gift recipient): I bought it from my friend. She makes all kinds of cool stuff.
Dish: Wait a minute…that was your gift? Why didn’t you just say that was the gift you brought when I said I liked it?
Ferda: Oh yeah. I guess I could have.

Maybe you have to be there. Dish is just warning you to beware. This woman may not be who she pretends to be. :o)

Soundtrack of the Mind Goes Public

2008-12-04T22:11:00.001-04:00

Further to a previous discussion with regard to the soundtrack of the mind, a faithful reader brought this handy invention to Dish's attention. Just think, now the soundtrack of your mind could be broadcast to those around you. You're running to catch the bus to Chariots of Fire. Parents Just Don't Understand plays in the background as you argue with your mother. Hot Cha plays as you cook bacon. Farewell to Nova Scotia plays as you leave the Halifax airport, and of course Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now plays on a constant loop pretty much every day at work. The possibilities are endless!

Hmmm...this may inspire Dish to start documenting the soundtrack of her mind and the things that trigger it...

Okay, okay!

2008-12-04T22:09:00.000-04:00

After being told numerous times from various sources that attempting to be Dish is too intimidating, Dish retracts the grammar criteria. Creativity will be the determining factor. Come on people! Show a little imagination! :o)

Dish for a Day

2008-11-17T17:26:00.002-04:00

For those who are interested, the Christmas album is well underway. Dish has chosen a theme and compiled a track list. The photo shoot is scheduled for this coming weekend. Now, although Dish cannot give you any more information about the album without ruining the surprise, she can give you the opportunity to win your very own copy.

This year, my dear readers, you are being invited to be "Dish for a Day." Submit your answer to the question below for a chance to win a copy of Dish’s 2008 Christmas compilation. Entries will be judged by Dish on the basis of hilarity and ingeniousness. As you know, spelling and grammar will be taken into consideration. You can answer as Dish or, if you prefer, you can provide your own pseudonym.

Entries can be submitted directly by email or by using the "Ask Dish a Question" function found at the top left of this page. Deadline for submissions is December 7. When submitting your entry, please remember to include all of your contact information.

Dear Dish:

The Christmas season is almost upon us and I have some pressing questions. The first is about mistletoe. What is the correct mistletoe etiquette? Does mistletoe give me the freedom to "make out with everyone in the playhouse" so to speak?

On a related note, what does Ricky Martin mean in his song "Ay, Ay, Ay, It’s Christmas" when he says "Girl, pretend my arms are like shiny big red bows wrapped around your kisses underneath the magic mistletoe?" How can bows be wrapped around kisses? Please clarify.

Third, and most important, what CAN you get a wookiee for Christmas when he already owns a comb?

SWAK
Miss Yvonne

Please note: Bonus points will be awarded to anyone who can correctly identify the Christmas special in which the line “making out with everyone in the playhouse” is delivered. :o)

Dish wishes all participants the best of luck. May the most dish-like among you win! Answers will be posted at Dish’s discretion.

Yours in the festive spirit,
Dish

Dear Dish on Airplane Armrests

2008-11-04T18:30:00.000-04:00

Dear Dish:

Air travel has normally brought out the best in mankind. However, as long as man has flown in the stars (via aeroplane) there has been a fundamental disagreement. I do wish I was above it all, but I am in need of counsel in the following area: aeroplane arm rests.

By some twist of fate or what not, there always appears to be only one armrest for two competing arms. I've waited and watched for this to change, but the armrests still mock me in their singleness. This alarming phenomenon also comes up at movie theatres too. But that isn't the problem. It's on the aeroplanes.

So tell me, Dish, master of the universe (note: you share this title with certain cartoon characters too), what is appropriate armrest etiquette whilst on an aeroplane? Is it divided by social stratus? By first come first serve? By some unknowing force in the universe? By aero rage? By insisting you get half of it and therefore spending an entire flight uncomfortably touching some strangers arm?

Has society failed us? Has Air Canada?

Sincerely,
A Puzzled Traveller

Dear Puzzled:

No one knows quite why the airlines have not clued in to this pressing concern of air travellers. Is Air Canada to blame? Dish wouldn't presume to say for sure, but she can say with certainty that WestJet is by no means innocent.

There are several solutions to the armrest dilemma:

1) Be the first on the flight and claim the armrest for yourself. If anyone tries to make you move, stubbornly refuse to do so no matter what the reason.
2) Design your own portable armrest, preferably one that pops on over the single armrest making it twice as large so that the armrest can be comfortably shared.
3) Buy two seats together when you travel and leave one empty. This way, you won’t have to fight with anyone over your armrest and you can take advantage of a little extra leg room, as well as some extra space for stowing your carry-on items. Granted, Dish admits that this option could get a bit pricey.
4) Offer to share the armrest with your seat mate. You take the armrest for half the trip. He/she takes it for the other half.
5) Challenge your seat mate to a game of rock/paper/scissors with the winner taking the armrest for the duration of the flight. This is probably the most practical option. It will also ensure that your seat mate is aware that you are not going to stand for them just greedily claiming the armrest as their own without a battle. Just be sure to hone your RPS strategy before your flight so you are not the sucker who is left armrestless.

Best of luck in your endeavours,
Dish

P.S. Please note that, although the use of the British spelling "aeroplane" is not wrong, Dish prefers the standard spelling "airplane." Also, Dish apologizes for the delayed reply.

Dear Dish on Grammar Errors

2008-10-02T21:28:00.000-03:00

Dear Dish:

I'm sure you encounter a lot of loveable snicklefritzes in your advice-giving adventures. Do you ever edit your writers' comments for grammar and content? Do you ever cast a questionable eye when you correct a comma, and say, "Oh, those silly raggamuffins....when will society learn?"

Sincerely,
Someone who cheers when they get a refund on their tax return even though they know they shouldn't.

Dear Silly Ragamuffin (with one "g" only):

Dish doesn’t edit content but admits that she will, upon occasion, edit grammar and spelling. She’s a language professional. She really can’t help herself. Dish would also like to point out that she has been on training this week and is now officially a certified information mapper. Is there no end to the nerdiness one can achieve?

As for tax refunds, Dish was very clearly told by her tax man (after screaming out "Whoo hoo! Free money!" in his office upon finding out that she would be receiving a refund) that tax refunds are not, in fact, free money but just your own money being returned to you by the government (thus the use of the term refund). Dish doesn’t care. She still cheers.

Yours in solidarity,
Dish

Dear Dish on Christmas Music

2008-10-02T20:54:00.001-03:00

Dear Dish:

I've been known to enjoy listening to various Dish-produced Christmas compilation albums. The combination of the '80s rock and the Christmas spirit is just sublime. Who knew Christmas could be so beautiful? To quote Mr. Simpson, "Everyone knows rock attained perfection in 1974. It's a scientific fact." While this somewhat contradicts my earlier statements chronology-wise, I feel it exemplifies the spirit of this letter.

Is it moral to listen to Christmas songs when not in the Christmas season? What if apartment neighbours start hitting the walls with brooms whilst the music is playing? Are they just rockin' along with the groooves?

Sincerely,
An Apartment Music Listener

P.S. - Can we expect another Christmas album this year entitled "Dishing During Christmas...Now with free advice booklet!"?

Dear Listener:

Funny you should ask. Dish is actually currently in the process of compiling this year’s Christmas album. As per usual, Dish will be collaborating with iBenoit for the cover artwork. There may even be another contest in the works again this year. (Last year’s lucky winner was Sister Merry Kerry). As for the album title, Dish is afraid you are just going to have to be patient and wait for the album release in December.

Dish’s opinion when it comes to listening to Christmas songs when tis not the season is that it is all a matter of quantity. Feel free to listen to Christmas music any time of the year you want, but keep it to small doses. When you feel compelled to listen to Christmas tunage in the off-season, try limiting it to listening to one cd just once or maybe just listening to a song or two mixed with other music. It is good to be well balanced in this department. Remember, these songs are meant to be seasonal. Before you go hard core, wait until at least November. Of course, once December hits, Dish expects that her faithful readers will listen only to her Christmas albums all month long.

Happy Holidays.
Dish

Dear Dish on Shakespeare

2008-09-24T16:35:00.002-03:00

Dear Dish:

I've gone to watch many a "Shakespeare in the Park" several times in my life. I don't know why. And this behaviour has gone on in several cities, so it's not an isolated incident.

But here's the problem: I just don't like Shakespeare. I feel there's a social pressure that exists in society to pretend to like it and, hence, I wind up at various Shakespeares in the Park.

So, is it okay to not like Shakespeare? Do you like Shakespeare? How do I deal with the inevitable snootiness of the pro-Shakespearean lobby? I acknowledge its brilliance, but want nothing to do with it.

Sincerely,
The uncultured, and not in a non-yogurt kind of way

Dear Yogurt Lover:

Dish has nothing against Shakespeare, but she does not feel that people should be pressured into seeing Shakespeare plays for the sole purpose of keeping up appearances.

Cultured schmultured. Dish sees no reason to spend your time doing something you despise just to give the appearance of being well-bred. A love or pretended love of Shakespeare is not nearly enough to vault you into the upper class anyway. For that, you need the four Bs: Beauty, brains, breeding and bounty. You must also avoid using vulgar jazz words and wearing hysterectomy pants. (For more information on this topic please watch Cry Baby, a fabulous musical starring Johnny Depp.)

Nevertheless, there are a few valid reasons for going to see Shakespeare in the Park even if you don’t like Shakespeare:

1. A friend who LOVES Shakespeare and is dying to see Shakespeare in the Park has no one else to go with. These are the types of things that good friends do. You are under no obligation to attend if the friend in question already has at least one other person to go with or if the friend is attending merely to appear cultured and not because he or she actually enjoys Shakespeare.

2. You are in school and the play just happens to be the one you are required to read for class. Watching the play in the park is a much more effective use of your time than actually reading it.

3. They are giving out free hot dogs or other delicious treats at the Shakespeare in the Park presentation. In this case, please feel free to get the free treats and then sneak away without actually watching the play.

As for dealing with the fall-out from refusing to attend Shakespeare in the Park, try pointing out to these so-called cultured individuals that you prefer to form your own opinions rather than following blindly along with the rest of the herd.

You go girl!
Dish

Dear Dish Reader Comments

2008-09-24T16:22:00.003-03:00

Dear Dish:

I enjoy punctuation epiphanies. I feel using things like semicolons helps me express the inner-most depths of my soul. Keep 'em coming!

Sincerely,
A Wordsmither

*******

Dear Dish:

I was pondering more Dear Dish letters, and it struck me that my last letter (above) may have come across at sarcastic.

I assure you, it wasn't. As someone who has a grammar desk calendar, and often reads it, I actually like to improve my limited grammarabilities. I used a semicolon twice yesterday; once for official government correspondence. Yay!

Cheerio,
Wordsmither

Dear Dish on Document Shreddage

2008-09-10T21:42:00.006-03:00

Dear Dish:

Long time reader, first time writer. You know how it is, I don't need to start off with proper sentences. But let me shower you with praise: Excellent work.

You've really risen in the ranks in the past while, building your advice-giving empire and whatnot. So naturally I was concerned when I read in a previous letter that you may be a target of identity thieves.

Please tell me you shred all important documents. I'm concerned about garbage snoopers. This will help me sleep better at night, and will put to rest any safety issues even though I sleep in a ground-level bachelor suite with no blinds, across the street from unsavoury characters.

Cheerio,
A Concerned Citizen

Dear CC:

First of all, please allow Dish to point out that the term "shower," in the context in which you used it, is defined as bestowing liberally or lavishly. Dish would hardly call one short comment "showering" with praise.

Second, Dish does not currently shred her documents. However, before you panic, you should also know that she does not place them foolishly in the garbage or recycling bin where any of her stalkers could get a hold of them either.

In the past, Dish used to take any documents that needed shredding to work and use the shredder there. At her current workplace, the shredder is nowhere near as heavy duty. As a result, since she has not gotten around to purchasing her own shredder, Dish has just been tossing all such documents into an accordion file or a bag full of other documents that are no longer needed that she will one day get around to shredding or burning.

Last year, Dish had the nerve to laugh at the Staples commercial telling consumers to buy shredders for their loved ones for Christmas, but now she regrets it and a shredder is one of the items on the list she is sending to Santa.

Dish would also like to point out that she rues the day she left Service Canada and its heavy duty shredder, not to mention the free bbqs and cake, parties in the park, food court, two-dollar pad thai and, of course, the stimulating lunch time conversation that for some unknown reason always centred on Star Wars and iPods. Sigh. If only she could turn back time but, alas, it is not to be.

And now,for those who are interested, a word on comma splices:

"You know how it is, I don't need to start off with proper sentences."

"You know how it is" and "I don't need to start off with proper sentences" are both complete sentences and should therefore not be separated by a comma. This grammar dilemma, called a comma splice, can be solved by placing either a period or the ever elusive semicolon where the comma is now.

That is all.
Dish

Dear Dish on Lifestyles of the Famous

2008-09-01T21:35:00.000-03:00

Dear Dish:

Readers want to know more details about your lavish lifestyle. For example, what desk-top calendar, and its viewpoints and consumer values, do you currently align with? There's a lot of choices these days.

Is it permissible to have two page-a-day calendars if I can't decide which one I would like the most? What is proper calendar etiquette? I've been told I will suffer untold bad luck if I open a calendar early and stare at its glossy pages before its respective designated day or month.

Sincerely,
Someone who tries but doesn't always keep up with the calendar
It's apparently Thursday, May 29 today.

Dear Someone:

As mentioned before, Dish does not have a desk-top calendar; rather, she prefers the old fashioned wall-hanging calendar with an AC(lightning bolt)DC motif. It even shows the Australian holidays.

From an environmental perspective, even one desk-top calendar is questionable. Two is completely unacceptable. Are you recycling all of those pages? Think of the trees! If you need something to keep you amused on a day-to-day basis, Dish suggests For Better or For Worse for the ongoing drama and Dilbert for a hearty laugh.

As for calendar etiquette, opening the calendar early will not bring bad luck, but it will ruin the surprise as to which pictures you will be looking at in the months to come. It’s like snooping and finding out what all of your Christmas gifts are before Christmas Day. Dish suggests refraining from such activities as it will likely result only in disappointment.

Dish

Dear Dish on Internet Theft

2008-08-25T20:36:00.001-03:00

Dear Dish:

Is it okay to steal a neighbour's unsecured Internet signal? To provide context, it's not for any illegal activity or downloads that may slow it up. What if I just borrow and not steal it per se. It's somewhat intangible, much like the ethers or vapors. And I don't know what either of those things are. Basically, the Internet just falls from the sky and travels through the air like the wind while dancing on glittery pink clouds.

What is the nature of morality? Will man's future be determined by "Did you steal that Internet signal?" versus "Did you steal that banana protector or hot dog thermos?"

Sincerely,
A Moral Contender

P.S. - Why is Internet capitalized? Seems like a cruel joke to me.

Dear Contender:

Your glittery description of the Internet does nothing to change the facts in this case. Didn't you learn anything from the Simpsons episode where Homer decides to steal cable?! The pamphlet, So You've Decided to Steal Cable, did have some compelling arguments such as the following:

Myth: Cable piracy is wrong.
Fact: Cable companies are big faceless corporations,
which makes it okay.

However, in the end even Homer decided that stealing was wrong. Are you going to ignore a moral lesson taught to you by the Simpsons?! Tsk. Tsk.

For more information on this topic, please refer to a reply Dish gave to another reader about honesty issues.

With regard to your question about the capitalization of Internet, most style guides agree that Internet is a proper noun since it is a one-of-a-kind item and must therefore be capitalized.

Dish

Dear Dish on Usurpers

2008-08-24T20:20:00.002-03:00

Dear Dish:

I crave more adventure in my life. I live on a boring street. Consequently, I think I should move to a street with an interesting name, like Pineapple Street. Anywhere outside of Hawaii would find this unusual.

Then I could be like, "Hello, my name is Dish and I live on Pineapple Street."

What do you think?

Sincerely,
A Wanderer

P.S. Do you ever write letters to yourself and then answer them?

Dear Wanderer:

Personally, Dish has always wanted to live on Jubilee Road or Bliss Street in Halifax, just because it sounds like people who live there are destined to be happy. If you are looking for an interesting place to live in O-town, why not try Eden Avenue (bound to be paradisiacal), Paul Anka Drive, or possibly even Patricia Avenue (how could you possibly go wrong there!).

Please note that Dish has better things to do with her time than to write questions to herself and answer them. She is merely here to help those who can't help themselves - a help the helpless or hopeless type of scenario, if you will.

Most importantly, before you go all Single White Female, just remember that identity theft is a crime. Dish does not appreciate readers trying to impersonate her or usurp her life in a futile attempt to fill a void in their own lives.

So back off. I have stilettos and menions.
Dish

Dear Dish on Cotton Swabs

2008-08-13T16:13:00.003-03:00

Dear Consumer Advocate Dish:

I purchased 400 "no-name" brand Q-tips. Previously, I enjoyed the expensive cotton-y goodness of Q-tip brand Q-tips.

I'm unsatisfied with my cheap Q-tip knock-offs. They just don't have the same volume-filled pile of cotton. They're cheap on the cotton front. Cheap, I say!

What should I do? Throw them out and start anew with expensive designer-brand Q-tips? Or tough it out with each sub-standard Q-tip screaming "I don't care enough about you to have enough cotton on my tip?" Is this a self-esteem issue?

Sincerely,
A Cotton Consumer

Dear CC:

What Dish really wants to know is: What are you using these Q-tips for? The answer to that question had better not be ear cleaning. Everyone knows that Q-tips should never be used to clean your ears since you may cause infection, perforate your ear drum or push wax so far into your ear canal that you have to get your doctor remove it. You definitely want to avoid any of these scenarios, particularly if you are having as much trouble finding a doctor as Dish did. Washing the outside of your ear with a washcloth should be sufficient.

That being said, faux Q-tips are actually far more effective for things like make-up application since their lack of cotton makes them more precise and does not leave any cottony residue in places where you don’t want it.

Whatever you do, do not throw out the faux Q-tips. This would not be environmentally responsible. Now, this may come as a shock to you but, since Q-tips (faux or real) are unable to scream, the taunting voices that you hear when using them are actually all in your mind. So, either suck it up and use the faux Q-tips (for non-ear-related purposes only) or give them away to someone who will. One way to find just such a person is to post an ad on craigslist or kijiji.

Dish

A Beef

2008-07-29T00:00:00.004-03:00

Dish has said it once (actually far many more times than just once) and she'll say it again...

If you are going to be the girl who feels compelled to cover the entire toilet seat of a public bathroom with toilet paper before she will use it, then FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE have the common courtesy to remove the toilet paper upon which you sat your prissy yet dirty little arse from the toilet seat when you are finished.

That is all.

Dear Dish on Mail Sortage

2008-07-28T23:00:00.002-03:00

Dear Dish:

I'm in need of some Dish-iquette. I've got roommates and many people receive mail at the house. Sometimes, when I'm coming home for the day, I check the mail in the mailbox. I casually flip through it, but I don't actually take it out. When I see nothing's for me, I leave it there. I don't actually take in the mail unless there's something for me. Or worse yet, I just pluck my letters out and leave the rest sitting there in mailbox obscurity. I also make my roommates shoulder the burden of junk mail.

Tell me, am I a wayward soul? Is this behaviour reprehensible? I need moral guidance that I can't get from my local clergy member or counsellor!

Sincerely,
A Mailbox Thumber

Dear Thumber:

Dish actually somewhat agrees with your strategy. If your communal living situation does not have some sort of mail system, the best thing to do to ensure that your roomies get their mail is to leave it safely in the mailbox. This is far better than bringing it into the house and leaving it somewhere random where your roomie may never even realize that he or she received mail.

Your behaviour toward junk mail is, however, inexcusable. Why should your roommates be left to bear such a burden unaided? Junk mail is everyone's problem. If you live on the premises, you are partially responsible for any junk mail that comes in.

Dish recommends that you and your roomies devise a more effective mail strategy. Perhaps you could set up a series of "inboxes" in your entry way or in a shared area of your residence. When someone checks the mail, they would then be responsible for bringing in the mail and placing it in the inbox of the appropriate roomie. This way, everyone knows where to look for their mail but, if someone happens to be away from home for an extended period of time, their mail is not just piling up in the real mailbox.

From the sounds of things, each roommate should also be tasked with certain times for checking and sorting the mail so that some slackers do not always just try to pawn the task off on others. Create a schedule by month or by day of the week. Roommate #1 could check the mail in January, Roommate #2 in February and so on. This would ensure that the same person does not end up having to pick up and sort the mail for the entire household all the time.

That being said, if you have a particularly keen roommate who likes to feel in control, then you just have to leverage the situation the right way to convince said roommate that being the residence's mail person is a coveted position of power. Then voilà! Your mail pick-up and sortage problems are instantly solved. Please be aware, however, that this could result in other repercussions. You may have to deal with this roommate lording mail power over you and you may begin to feel oppressed. Before taking this tack, please ensure that you are prepared to accept the consequences.

By way of another helpful tip, Dish suggests that you place a paper recycling box in close proximity to either the actual mailbox or the new set of inboxes you've set up in your home. This way, you can immediately dispose of junk mail quickly and conveniently, all while helping the environment by recycling!

Happy sorting!
Dish

Dear Dish on the Ampersand

2008-07-08T20:48:00.002-03:00

Dear Dishmund:

What is your view on the ampersand? Frankly, I find it a bit questionable. People use it when they're too lazy to write "and." It sits there - sharing the number 7 space on my keyboard - just mocking me. Some days I think it might do away with the number 7 (Sesame Street style) and take over the key entirely. Then where would we be?

I struggle with this issue, as I find the Grammar Police (like the KPG) scary and merciless. I think they've infiltrated every crack in society.

This little pretzel-side symbol and the Grammar Police PolitBureau are running my life! Help!

Sincerely,
&Anonymous&

Dear Anonymous:

According to Dish's translation and grammar mentor, Malcolm Williams, and the style guide of the public servant, The Canadian Style, the ampersand is properly used only when it forms part of a corporate name, such as Johnson & Johnson or Ben & Jerry's.

Other style guides tend to agree, but also allow for the use of the ampersand in abbreviations where it would seem strange to write out the "and" (for example, R&D as opposed to R and D).

A good example of both of the above uses is AT&T — a corporate name and an abbreviation all rolled into one. How exciting!

We must also not forget to mention that APA style uses the ampersand for in-text citations, such as (Dish & Menions, 2008).

Any other use of the ampersand is evidence of pure and simple laziness. Blatant misuse of the ampersand should be reported to the Grammar Police immediately at 613-233-2226.

Dish

Another Poll

2008-06-25T17:35:00.004-03:00

Recently Dish has been accused of being "crazy" because she has a soundtrack of the mind, meaning random events, statements or thoughts can cause different songs to pop into her head at any given moment.

Dish is of the opinion that is is strange NOT to have a soundtrack of the mind. It's like living a life without music. What say you faithful readers? (Yes lurkers, this means you too!)

Dish

Dear Dish on an Ode to Aaron

2008-06-19T23:00:00.005-03:00

Dear (Dish):

I see you go by a lot of different names: Dishmon, Dishère, Dishé, Dishola, Dishie, etc.

Which is preferable to you? And what is the entomological source of your name?

Cheerio, An Avid Namer

Dear Avid:

I will assume you meant etymology and are not comparing Dish to an insect. ;o) Truly, Dish is accepting of any of these variations since the use of a nickname generally tends to be a sign of love and affection, possibly even adoration in some cases.

The name Dish begins with a boy named Aaron from Spud Island. Dish first met him way back in the day when, because of a foolish boy*, Dish found herself in an unfortunate camping predicament. Dish was far from home and the boy in question refused to let her sleep in the tent with him and the rest of her friends because of an awkward situation of his own making. Since he owned the tent, Dish did not have much of a say in the matter. Luckily, Jennie Pink-eye took Dish's side in this story and roamed the open fields of Rollo Bay with her until the wee hours of the morning.

Enter Aaron, stage left (or possibly camp site left). He was camping with the brother of one of Dish's friends and gallantly saved the day by giving Dish and Jennie Pink-eye his tent for the night with no thought for his own comfort and safety. Little Dish was truly impressed and moved by this grand display of chivalry.

Dish's and Aaron's paths crossed again when Dish moved to Ottawa. Again the chivalrous Aaron, this time accompanied by Handsome Pete (another knight in shining armour to Dish), adopted the lonely Dish as their very own younger sister when she didn't know a soul in the city.

It was at the time of this chance friendship renewal that the name Dish came about. Aaron loves a good nickname and it took awhile to finally hit upon just the right one. For awhile Dish was called Hollywood Trish after we watched The Rookie with Dennis Quaid and Aaron felt that Dish looked like Dennis' co-star, Rachel Griffiths. Now of course this name just couldn't stick because there is really not much point in a nickname that is longer than your actual name. Hollywood Trish gradually transformed into Trish the Dish, which finally gave way to just Dish, the girl you now know and love.

Many thanks go out to Aaron, without whom the name (and therefore the advice column) may never have come to be.

* The foolish boy in this story eventually came to his senses and repented of his evil ways. He and Dish are now good friends once more.

Dear Dish on Elevator Etiquette

2008-06-17T20:10:00.003-03:00

Dear Dish:

I have a pet peeve. It drives me crazy when someone walks into an elevator, presses the button, and then stands right in front of the buttons thereby preventing future passengers from adequately reaching said buttons when they walk into the elevator.

Is this normal? Am I being unreasonable?

Sincerely,
Someone Envisioning a Sparkling Calm Blue Ocean

Dear Imaginative:

When boarding an elevator: Enter, push the button for your floor and then move as far back into the elevator as you can. Stand near a wall if you can and be sure to avoid invading the personal space of others as much as possible.

If you are getting off at one of the lower floors, it is better to stand near the front of the elevator than to inconvenience a lot of people by pushing them or using other techniques to force them to move out of your way when you have to get off. Stand to the side of the elevator near the front and try not to block the buttons.

Get your lazy arse off the elevator and take the stairs if you are going up only one or two floors and you do not meet one of the following exceptions:

1) You have a disability.
2) You are pushing a cart of some sort or a stroller.
3) You are carrying something heavy or awkward.

If you meet exception #2 and the cart-like vehicle you are pushing is large, you should seriously consider using the freight elevator if one is available. That's what it is there for.

Although people who block the elevator buttons can be as irritating as Joanie Mitchell singing Big Yellow Taxi, all is not lost. It is perfectly acceptable elevator etiquette to politely ask said button blocker to push the button for your floor. This is far more polite than entering the button blocker's personal space to try to push the button yourself. Just because some people do not have any manners, does not mean that you should join their ranks. Besides, if enough people start asking these button blockers to push the button for their floor, maybe they will get the hint and start to be more polite about their elevator usage.

If you have a particular elevator-etiquette offender in mind, perhaps giving them a copy of this column will both help them to understand how their behaviour affects others and to alleviate your stress.

Good luck.
Dish

Dear Dish on Being Uppity

2008-06-17T20:00:00.003-03:00

Dear Dishé:

Why does it always feel depressing to go into used book stores?

I mean, how many copies of Unidentified Flying Outrage can one society handle? We can see all of the conspiracy theories of yesteryear culminating in one big crappy crap hole. I believe they call this the science fiction section. Or perhaps occult, I'm unsure.

And the old outdated university studies section! Don't even get me started. Am I a snob to prefer the pristine, new, colourful books? As if, perhaps, the knowledged contained within them is more vital and soul-infusing because of the sleek marketing job on their covers?

Sincerely,
A gold reader

Dear 14 Karat:

Dish generally tries her best to be diplomatic in her responses but, to quote Cher from Clueless, "You are a snob and a half." Dish also finds your view of the science fiction genre stereotypical and unacceptable.

By way of punishment, Dish feels you should be forced to read Couplehood by Paul Reiser, which can be found in mass quantity at any used book store.

Dish

Dear Dish on Advice-Column-Related Joy

2008-06-17T19:54:00.003-03:00

Dear Dish:

Why do I derive so much joy out of reading your advice column?

Sincerely,
A Loyal Reader

Dear Loyal:

Is this a rhetorical question? Does Dish really need to indulge in self-flattery? She thought her witty charm was self-explanatory.

A Poll on Manners

2008-06-09T18:55:00.001-03:00

Dish is of the opinion that clipping one's fingernails in a public place (i.e. one's cubicle at work) is just bad manners, pure and simple. Some disagree (Dish won't name names to protect the not-so-innocent). Feel free to voice your opinion in the comments section. Do you agree with Dish? Why or why not?

Say It Ain't So

2008-06-09T18:47:00.001-03:00

KFC and I have always had a love/hate relationship. Now, I thought things were going off the rails a bit when the Board members decided to build the giant replica of the Colonel in the desert, but this time they've really gone too far.

According to this article in the Globe and Mail, KFC has recently decided to introduce vegan menu options, including some sort of nasty faux chicken they call "Chick'n" or unchicken. Now, does anyone out there honestly believe that a person who would embrace a vegan lifestyle would actually be interested in going to KFC for "Chick'n"?

I protest this lame attempt to appease the masses. What about all the real KFC fans who devotedly eat the artery-clogging chicken and keep going back for more time and time again despite the repeated incidents of food poisoning from the rancid fat? What about the fans who love their deep fried chicken so much that they embark upon crazy endeavours to deep fry their own poultry? For them, this faux chicken is a slap in the face.

And who does Dish blame? She blames Pamela Anderson and her big...mouth. Pammy should be forced to publicly eat and enjoy the unchicken. If she can't do it with a smile on her botoxed lips, KFC should renege on its promise to deliver unchicken.

The Colonel must be spinning in his grave. Mark my words. This unchicken will go uneaten. No one ever likes the kid who conforms just to be popular. You have to be true to who you are. Fried chicken is never going to be vegan friendly. It's not even nutritious for the carnivores among us for heaven's sake! And that's the way Dish likes it.

Dear Dish on Movie Rentals

2008-06-08T21:24:00.002-03:00

Dear Dishère:

I rented two videos from Blockbuster. They cost an approximately astounding $14, but I didn't find time to watch them. Even with the no late fees business, I still didn't find the time. Avast ye!

So I had to return the videos unwatched.

How can I right this wrong?

Sincerely,
A Cinephile (not to be confused with any of the bad type of 'philes)

Dear Cinephile:

It is true. Generally, when we think of words that end with -phile, we think of the negative ones, such as pedophile, necrophile or ornithophile. Please rest assured that plenty of other words that do not have such negative connotations end in -phile, particularly in the field of science. No one is judging you for being a cinephile.

Dish feels that Blockbuster’s no late fees strategy is merely a marketing ploy. The Blockbuster Web site even clearly states that "movie and game rentals are still due back by the due dates shown on your receipt." They give you a few days of leeway, but then they charge your credit card for the complete cost of the movie. If you return the movie after that, they will remove the charge from your card, but you will still be charged a restocking fee of $1.75 – in other words, a late fee!

Dish's disagreement with Blockbuster aside, unfortunately, in this case, you are a victim of your own procrastination. In order to avoid this type of movie-related dilemma in the future, Dish suggests you try an "on demand" type station. That way, you can just select the movie you want to watch, when you want to watch it. It is far more convenient in that you don’t have to go to the video store to pick up the movie or to return it. Granted, you have to content yourself with what is available on the station but, generally speaking, these channels tend to have new releases similar to what you would find in the video store. Plus, if you use Rogers, there is even a free karaoke feature! [Side note: You haven’t heard real karaoke until you’ve heard Jennie do her impression of Cher.]

Alternatively, you could also try something like zip.ca where you pay a monthly fee based on the number of movies you want to rent and they mail you the DVDs you want. You can keep them as long as you like and then mail them back when you have finished watching them.

In this case, consider the $14 money well spent on a lesson that needed to be learned. Rent movies only when you are prepared to devote the time to watching them, or devise an alternative strategy.

Please try to be more conscientious in the future.

Dish

Dear Dish on the Necessity of Good Grammar

2008-05-28T21:37:00.008-03:00

Dear Dish:

Why do you always point out redundancies in your writers' writing? It makes us feel inadequate. In fact, I took three weeks just to write this letter because I'm scared of the grammar. I think my hair's starting to fall out. What can I do? Can I aspire to be as good as you?

Clean grammar, clean soul, as they say.

Sincerely,
A Grammar Flunky

Dear Flunky:

There is absolutely nothing stopping you from aspiring to be like Dish.

Dish promotes good grammar in an effort to prevent society from falling any further than it already has. Dish once wrote to a company regarding a concern she had about its product. In the official business reply, the writer referred to Dish as "u" without the "yo". And thus began Dish's crusade for the use of proper grammar. "U" without the "yo" may be perfectly acceptable in a text message or in the title of a Sinéad O'Connor song, but it is definitely not acceptable in business correspondence. Something must be done! Dish is not going to take bad grammar lying down. She is going to fight!

As for your hair woes, Dish suggests a hair replacement system or possibly a hair transplant. Or, if you're pinching pennies, you could always try a wig or even just a stylish hat. Dish knows a gentlewoman who definitely knows how to pick a hat. Rumour has it that Gus Johnson is also a hat lover; however, he's far less forthcoming with helpful hat-related information.

In any case, the best way to beat this is to devise a strategy. It's never too soon to start planning to prevent baldness.

Dish

Stupid Airlines

2008-05-27T18:00:00.000-03:00

I recently sent an email to WestJet.

Dish said:

I am wondering why I can book a round-trip ticket from Ottawa to Charlottetown, but I can't book a one-way ticket from Charlottetown to Ottawa.

WestJet responded:

Thank you for taking the time to contact WestJet. Hearing from you is important to us and I apologize for the delay of our response.

Currently, our guests can book flights from Ottawa to Charlottetown only, we do not offer return flights on this route at this time unfortunately.

As we add more aircraft to our fleet and WestJetters to our family we are always looking for ways to improve the service we offer. Knowing that you and possibly other guests would like to see service from Charlottetown to Ottawa helps us as we grow and strive to provide convenient service throughout our network.

Please bear in mind the addition of new flights to our route network is affected by the rate at which we add new aircraft to our fleet, public demand and more. I have shared your comments with our Marketing and Scheduling teams for their input when they are considering adjustments to our schedule.

Thank you for thinking of WestJet Trish, we hope to welcome you aboard an enjoyable and convenient flight with us before long.

Now, not only did it take them 20 days to even get back to me, by which point I had already booked with another airline, but they did not even provide a satisfactory response. According to their brilliant marketing, I can fly from Ottawa to Charlottetown and back or I can fly one-way from Ottawa to Charlottetown, but it is somehow impossible for me to fly from Charlottetown to Ottawa.

Now, clearly they have planes going from Charlottetown to Ottawa, otherwise how would the people who booked the round-trip tickets get back to Ottawa? And clearly there must be availability on their flights sometimes since people are allowed to book one-way tickets and theoretically those seats would be empty on the way back. Am I missing something in the logic here?

In any case, Dish is one unimpressed WestJet customer (well, except for the fact that I have never actually flown with WestJet because of these difficulties so I guess I am an unimpressed non-WestJet customer).

In an attempt to be the bigger person in this situation, I will refrain from pointing out all the grammatical errors in their reply. :o)

Dear Dish on Cookies and Butter

2008-05-27T17:48:00.003-03:00

Dear Dish:

What is your recipe for chocolate chip cookies? I previously came about it through a third party, and had to pay many a dollar for it.

However, now the recipe has disappeared. Rather than hole up in my room and concoct conspiracy theories as to where it went (I suspect the mob),I thought the most sensical thing to do was to ask you for it again.

I've been advised in the past to accept no subsitutes on the butter front for these cookies. And I wasn't disappointed.

Sincerely,
A Baker by Night

P.S. - Do not delay! The butter in my fridge will go rancid shortly. Also, how long does butter last before it expires, anyway?

Dear BBN:

Dish suspects she knows the not-so-innocent third party to whom you are referring and is quite distraught to hear that others are profiting from her special recipe. Nevertheless, since it appears the secret is out, I will be generous and provide you with the information you seek for a limited time only. This is THE cookie recipe. Dish has won many a heart with these babies.

Chocolate Chip Cookies à la Dish

2 cups plus 4 tbsp of flour
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup of butter (you can also use margarine)
2/3 cup plus 2 tbsp white sugar
2/3 cup plus 2 tbsp brown sugar
2 tsp vanilla
2 eggs
1 pkg semi-sweet chocolate chips

Sift the flour, soda and salt. In a separate bowl, cream the butter, sugars and vanilla until light and fluffy; beat in the eggs. Mix in the dry ingredients. Stir in chocolate chips. Bake at 350ºF for 10 minutes on ungreased cookie sheets.

As for your question about how long butter will last, the easiest thing to do is to check the Best Before Date on the package. However, if you prefer to do things the hard way, here are some general rules: If kept in the fridge, butter will be at its best for about three weeks, although generally speaking, you can usually keep it around for quite a bit longer than that. If it has gone rancid, you will know it. The smell and taste will be unpleasant. To extend your butter's life and prevent other fridge odours from infecting it, keep it in the foil wrapper. As a general rule and for obvious reasons, salted butter lasts longer than unsalted.

Happy baking!
Dish

Dear Dish on Compendia

2008-05-22T15:00:00.003-03:00

Dear Dishski:

In today's Internet-ravaged society, we often forget about the pleasures of a good book - a tome of information, if you will.

When will be see the publishment of Dish's Abridged Common Sense Compendium for Daily Life?

If there's one thing that society likes, it's the peering into the vast soul of other people and seeing what toils within, particularly in an anonymous fashion. For this, I blame reality TV shows. But anyway, back to my question above (insert little upward arrow here).

Sincerely,
A Reader of Compendiums

P.S. - Do you know how to insert little upward arrows? I can do all these: ß Ø A n, but no upward arrow!

Dear Reader:

Dish does not have any plans in the works for a book at this time. It has always been a dream but, with her busy schedule, Dish just doesn't have the time to devote to such an endeavour right now. However, she might be willing to embrace such an undertaking if you were to persuade Oprah to promote the book on her show. That would guarantee that millions of copies would be sold and make the work worthwhile.

As a side note: One of the definitions of a compendium is an abridgement. Consequently, it would be redundant to refer to the book as an abridged compendium.

Side note #2: Alt 24 is the key code for the up arrow (↑), Alt 25 is the code for the down arrow (↓), Alt 26 is the right-facing arrow (→) and Alt 27 is the left-facing arrow (←). You may now point in whatever direction you wish unless you want to point in a diagonal direction, in which case you are on your own.

Dish

Dear Dish on Drinks Made of Crushed Iced

2008-05-16T15:44:00.005-03:00

Dish Dishmon:

Back in my youth, I enjoyed surgary drinks purchased from convenience stores with crushed ice in them — Slurpees I called them.

However, it's my understanding that they go by many different names: Slushes, frosters, brain freezers, etc., blah, blah, blah.

This brings up the question of what is the universally correct name for these frozen beverages?

If I met a stranger on the street, and I didn't know them, and I wanted to go get a drink, what would I say? "Hey! Lets go get a ________."

I need to bridge the gap between cultures, regions, religions and convenience stores! Help me out!

Sincerely,

A Slurpee Drinker

Dear Drinker:

First of all, it is redundant to describe a stranger as someone that you don't know. By definition, a stranger is a person one does not know, unless of course you abide by that crazy theory that a stranger is just a friend you've haven't met, which Dish does not.

Second, didn't your mother ever teach you not to talk to strangers? It is dangerous to be going up to people you don't know on the street and asking them to accompany you to do anything, the drinking of frozen beverages included. This gives people the wrong idea. Safety first! Did Dish honestly do that whole Safety Every Day series for nothing?!

Now, on to the real topic at hand...Although "Slurpee" may be your term of choice, it is definitely not universal. In fact, Slurpee is merely the registered trademark of 7-11. Dish, for one, has never used the term "Slurpee". This may have something to do with the fact that all of the 7-11 stores on PEI turned into Green Gables Convenience stores at some point in her early childhood.

According to the Canadian Oxford, the correct term in North America for a confection consisting of flavoured slushy ice is "slush." Dish herself prefers to add the "y" and call it a slushy to make it sound more appealing. When Dish thinks of slush, she thinks of the nasty melty snow all filled with dirt found on the streets and sidewalks in the winter.

Another acceptable term is "Squishy." I mean really, you would have to be living under a rock if you have never seen the Simpsons episode where Bart and Milhouse order the Super Squishy made entirely of syrup and go on a Squishy bender. This episode brings us key quotes such as the following:

Homer (after Bart joins the Junior Campers while on a Squishy high and is looking for an out): Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals...except the weasels.

Principal Skinner (after Milhouse gets a dirty word shaved into his hair while on a Squishy high): I'm going to shave you bald, young man, until you learn that hair is not a right: it's a privilege!

Hope your summer is Squishy-licious. Try the purple Kool-Aid slushy at the Cineplex in South Keys. Mmmmm...

Dish

Dear Dish on Finding "THE ONE"

2008-05-05T19:35:00.001-03:00

Dear Dish:

I love your column and I pass it to my friends every time it is updated!

Now on to the actual question. I read your comments about creating an online dating profile. Do you feel that in the end of it all dating is not about trying to impress someone, but just about being yourself and if it clicks, it clicks?

Is dating all about playing the law of averages (the more people you date, the more chance you have of actually meeting someone who is compatible) or is it about impressing someone with your knowledge of obscure 80s cartoons and the many varieties of sausage that are available in hopes that you will woo them?

Sincerely,
Searching for Mrs. Right

Dear Searching:

Clearly, dating is a little bit of all of those things. It has to click, but you should also try to impress at least a little, especially at first. Women like to be wowed. As Dish has said before, if you are displaying all your flaws right at the beginning, it will turn the woman off. However, if she learns to like you and then finds out about your flaws, she will be more willing to accept them. Besides, if we have learned anything from Judge Judy, it's that most women will and do settle. That means it shouldn't be too hard for any guy to find a woman to be with. ;o)

Dish is also a firm believer in the plenty of fish in the sea philosophy, although, she doesn’t necessarily believe that plentyoffish.com is the place to find those fish (Gus Johnson being the exception to the rule of course. Dish is totally wowed by his profile.). The more you put yourself out there, the more chance you have of meeting that lovely lady that you have something in common with and that you can envision being saddled with for the rest of your days. Remember, anyone who is not impressed by a knowledge of obscure 80s cartoons is not worth dating. And when you meet a woman who owns all the Star Trek TNG dvds, you’ve met the only other perfect woman out there besides Dish herself.

Happy hunting.
Dish

Dear Dish on Building an Empire

2008-05-05T19:20:00.001-03:00

Dear Dish:

Are you building a vast empire, Tyra style? Cookbooks, make-up, Dish tattooes, common sense day calendars, etc.

I didn't know that your high quality cookery skills extended beyond insta-wieners and delicious chocolate chip cookies.

Don't be bashful, though. You must market your creations too! Let it ring throughout the land!

http://www.amazon.ca/gp/product/000200772X/ref=pe_26910_9071740_as_img_7/
Sincerely,
In Awe

Dear In Awe:

Clearly, the Dish in quesion here is a complete fraud. The real Dish is disgusted by this imposter's thinly veiled attempt to profit from her popularity. Do not fall victim to this scam!

The one and only
Dish

Dear Dish on Judge Judy

2008-05-02T10:44:00.009-03:00

Dear Dishie:

What is your view on Judge Judy? Is she a prudent advice-woman, just like you? Or a menace to society? Or a quick fix in our instant oatmeal world?

How do Judge Judy's books compare to Dr. Laura's seminal work Ten Stupid Things Women do to Mess Up Their Lives?

Sincerely,
A Ponderer

Dear P:

Quite frankly, Dish feels that Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives should be renamed since there is really only one stupid thing women do to mess up their lives: Men. Dr. Laura does have some good ideas and says things that a lot of women probably need to hear. She's got some common sense. However, the fact remains that she is basically saying the same thing over and over in a different way. I guess it probably sells more books when you have a list of stupid things as opposed to just one major stupid thing, but really, she is just saying that anything women do for or about men is stupid.

Judge Judy and Dr. Laura actually agree to some degree. They are both firm believers in the fact that women tend not to choose their mates, but rather allow themselves to be chosen. They stay in bad relationships and defer to men because they have poor self-esteem and doubt their worthiness to be in healthy and fulfilling relationships. There are many women out there who fall into this category.

However, generally speaking, Dish is not a huge fan of Judge Judy. There is no doubt she has been successful in life, but Dish finds her methods of sharing her wisdom abrasive. Also, after reading Beauty Fades, Dumb Is Forever: The Making of a Happy Woman, Dish has come to the conclusion that Judge Judy has some major issues with men and has passive-aggressive tendencies.

For example, Judge Judy tells the story of how her husband would always leave one torn, half-glued sheet of toilet paper on the roll and if she said anything to him about it, he would protest that there was still toilet paper left on the roll. She then goes on to say that the next time this happened, she left the roll with the one puny sheet on it and hid the rest of the toilet paper where her husband could not find it. She watched as her husband looked in vain for more toilet paper, but didn't say a word to help him. Finally the husband broke down and asked her for toilet paper. What was her response? "There's still toilet paper on the roll, honey." And yet she advocates good communication skills? Seems a little bit contradictory to me.

Also, Dish feels she just cannot condone a book that has a comma splice in the title. We all know how Dish hates comma splices. There are gramatically correct alternatives. Dish suggests Beauty Fades but Dumb is Forever: The Making of a Happy Woman.

Also, so the male contigent doesn't feel left out, Dr. Laura does have a book called Ten Stupid Things Men Do to Mess Up Their Lives.

Happy reading,
Dish

Dear Dish on Men's Underwear

2008-04-25T13:30:00.001-03:00

Dear Dish:

I don't mind the feel of wearing briefs. Actually, I love boxer/briefs more because they don't bunch up inside my pants. Boxers aren't my cup of tea due to the bunching effect.

That being said, my friend was awestruck that I would actually wear briefs because they were not 'appealing'.

Can the type of underwear a man chooses to wear seriously affect his 'wow' factor? Should this be on the online dating profiles? I would like to think that our society is a little more advanced than to put any thought into a stinky pair of underwear in determining whether or not someone is attractive or not. But maybe that's me....

Also, I leave you with a quote from my friend which you may wish to leave out due to the public who read your blog. "Ma'am, those are definitely my underwear but that is most definitely not my skid mark."

Sincerely,
Lovin’ my tighty whiteys

Dear LMTW:

Sounds to me like you are man who has become comfortable in a long-term relationship and feels like he no longer has to work to impress his lady friend. Luckily for men, women are more inclined to choose a significant other based on factors other than the type of underwear he wears. If a woman loves you, your "wow factor" will likely not be too affected by your underwear preference.

Really, for the ladies, underwear preference varies depending on personal taste. Dish, for one, is not a big fan of the look of briefs; however, she does see how boxers could create problems in terms of bunchage. Consequently, she recommends boxer briefs. They’re the best of both worlds. They're flattering on most body types and are relatively tight fitting so you can avoid the discomfort of the bunching effect.

That being said, there are some additional points to keep in mind when it comes to underwear:

1) Regardless of what type of underwear you wear, the most important thing you can do is ensure that your underwear are not, as you say, "stinky". Fresh underwear every day boys. And no, turning a dirty pair of underwear inside out and wearing it again does not constitute clean.

2) Make sure the underwear you are wearing is relatively new and in good condition. Boys, you tend to be guilty of wearing your underwear until it falls apart at the seams. This is NOT attractive to the ladies. If your underwear has stains or holes or if you need a belt to hold them up because the elastic is shot, it is time to invest in some new ones. So please, do us all a favour and go throw out that underwear you’ve had since 1996 and buy some new ones. And don’t make your girlfriend or your mother do it for you. PLEASE!

Dish

Dear Dish on Worshipping

2008-04-22T19:25:00.001-03:00

Dear Dish:

I love you!!! I think your answers to questions are witty, urbane, and completely right, true, and the to the benefit of all humanity. Without you, we would be confused, misinformed, lost and utterly miserable in our menial misbegotten lives.

My question is this: how can we, the little peons who worship you, show our undying love and devotion to you?

Sincerely,
Your #1 fan! (and if I could put the tone in that Kathy Bates used....)

Dear Fan:

Flattery will get you everywhere. Honestly, the best thing you can do to show your love and devotion is to LEAVE COMMENTS. Dish is told by many that they love her column, but you would never know it from the comments section. In the past, the comments sections was a fabulous forum for banter and debate. You readers should get to know each other. Dish realizes that she is most often right, but it is still nice to throw other opinions around for interest's sake.

Other than that, of course there are the standards: Dish accepts cash, cheques and gifts of any sort. Dish's birthday is approaching, but gifts of devotion are welcome any time.

You could also try something a little more creative: Get a Dish tattoo, wear a Dish t-shirt, write a song about her. Use your imagination (and share your ideas in the comments section!).

Dish would also like to take this opportunity to thank you and all of her fans for their dedication, devotion and participation. She couldn't do it without you!

Here's to many more years of advice to come.
Dish

Dear Dish on Writing Personal Ads

2008-04-21T22:30:00.002-03:00

Dear Dish:

I have decided to enter the online dating world to see if I can find a virtual boyfriend in addition to my many imaginary ones, but I'm stuck on putting together a snappy personal ad! Can you help me write one?

Single in Halifax

P.S. It has be gay-friendly.....because I prefer to meet friendly gays.

Dear Single in Hali:

Are you saying that an imaginary significant other isn’t good enough for you? That imaginary friend has been at your beck and call for years and now you are going to toss them aside like Brad did Jennifer? That’s harsh. Really harsh.

So now that the chastising portion of the response is out of the way, on to the real issue at hand here. Whatever your sexual orientation, the key to writing a personal ad is to make it creative and fun. Don’t be that person who goes on there and rants about what they don’t want. For example, don’t say things like "If you are needy, have baggage and like to sleep around, don’t call me." No one likes to have their flaws pointed out, and besides, all this does is make you appear bitter and jaded. Even if you are bitter and jaded, it is best to maintain a facade at first if you ever want to meet anyone. Once you’ve roped in the person of your choice and you are sure that they’ve become emotionally dependent on you, THEN you can break out the bitter jaded side and there won’t be anything they can do about it!

So, since you’ve provided no information whatsoever that you would like to include in your ad regarding your likes, dislikes, personality, etc., Dish is at a bit of a loss in terms of coming up with a snappy ad on your behalf. Besides, she is of the opinion that it is far better if you write your own ad because then people will get a better idea of who you are, your sense of humour, intelligence, wit, etc.

Dish will provide you with an example to inspire you and get those creative juices flowing. Don’t forget, a key part of any online profile is the picture! Make sure your photo is a realisitic depiction and not what photoshop helps you look like.

SAMPLE:

Goddess come to earth seeks tall, hot, muscle-y man to cater to her whims. Applicants must be able to defend said goddess from birds and close talkers. Applicants should also be able to distinguish between cookies that are chocolate chip and those that appear to be chocolate chip but are really raisin cookies in disguise.

If you enjoy having your photo taken and visiting large tacky roadside attractions, this goddess is for you.

You could also try to do it in a likes/dislikes sort of fashion:

SWF (but not the psycho scary kind like the one who tried to kill Bridget Fonda) seeks hot rocker who can screamy sing.

Likes: Flip flops, self-help books and 80s horror films
Dislikes: broccoli, rodents and Joni Mitchell

END SAMPLE

The sky is the limit really. Just be sure to keep it simple and lighthearted. Now go get 'em tiger!

Dish

Dear Dish on Unpleasant Confrontations

2008-04-17T21:35:00.001-03:00

Dear Dish:

I have this friend who is a tender, sensitive young man. He was introduced to this girl by a friend who has subsequently left the country. Much to the young man's chagrin, this girl has glommed onto him and wants to spend exorbitant amounts of time with him. Apparently being in her presence is an extremely stressful experience for him, but he is too mild mannered to tell her to drop dead.

She asked him to do something with her on her 30th birthday, but because of his aversion and other personal circumstances, he did not meet with her. He assumed that this would send an adequate message, but to his dismay, one week later, she sends him a message saying, in essence, "Haven't heard from you in a while, didn't you get the last 2 texts I sent?"

I told him simply to confront her and say he wants nothing more to do with her in a blunt fashion but he cannot bear to be impolite or cruel. Now he lives in constant fear of running into her on the street, or even that she may show up on his doorstep. Is there some way he can ditch this clueless chick without being an AH?

Sincerely,
Trying to Help

Dear Helpful:

Clearly, the only solution here is to have your friend ring 36 24 36. ACDC has clearly stated that if you got a lady and you want her gone but you ain't got the guts they will take care of it.

If dirty deeds make him uncomfortable, I agree with you in that the blunt approach is best. It doesn't have to be mean, just clear. It's a hard thing to do, but it will be easier in the long run. Dish has been in many a self-induced predicament by being too nice.

Really, he is only hurting himself by avoiding the issue and constantly making up lame excuses as to why he can't see this girl. She is not the one who lives in fear as she walks down the street. She is strolling along quite nonchalantly with not a care in the world. Meanwhile, your friend is a ball of nerves, always on edge, always on the look out. And really, if this girl were to find out later that your friend hated spending time with her, wouldn't that hurt her feelings much more than if he was just up front about it in the first place? And wouldn't that be far easier than attempting to maintain such an elaborate charade? Besides, people who text you to say "didn't you get my last two texts" are clearly not the type of people who get hints easily.

Sometimes you just have to be cruel to be kind.

Best of luck.
Dish

Dear Dish on Street Meat

2008-04-07T12:37:00.002-03:00

Dear-o Dish-o:

Hear Ye! Hear Ye!

Let there be the proclamation:

Street Meat has returned to Ottawa!

Yesterday, there was 50% more Street Meat than usual in the Byward Market!

Spread the word! No Lunchables no more!

Sincerely,

Someone Who's Hip on the Meat Front

P.S. - Is Street Meat optimally nutritious? Can it really be clean when there's no running water?

P.P.S. - All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say, "Yo, Goober! Where's the meat?!" (As quoted by Homer Simpson).

Dear Hipster:

Dish herself was just remarking the other day how more street meat is now available in the downtown core. And although it did make her feel sad when she remembered that her best partner in crime when it comes to indulging in such treats moved to Korea without her consent, her overall response to this phenomenon is "Huzzah!"

Is street meat is nutritious?! Of course it is! It's a perfectly good source of protein. And really, just because North Americans generally eat far too much protein is no reason to discriminate against the street meat vendor. Dish also firmly believes that the nasty rumours to the effect that street meat contains large amounts of artery-clogging saturated fat and cancer-causing nitrates is just a conspiracy to defame street meat's character.

As for the lack of running water at hotdog stands, that is something it is best just not to think about. Please note that if the vendor has any sort of cuts or bandages that imply that he/she may have cuts on his/her hands, find yourself another hotdog stand. That is just asking for trouble with the dreaded Staph aureus, which we have discussed here before. Never a pretty situation. Best to avoid it.

Clearly street meat is something to be celebrated. Afterall, you don't win friends with salad. Vive the street meat season! Also, now that spring is here, it may be time for Dish to hostess a party and break out the Red Hots 2 Minute Hot Dog Cooker. You know you all can't wait to try it. :o)

Dish

Random Addiction

2008-04-04T15:06:00.001-03:00

Schneiders Lunchmate Stackers

Why is it that I can't seem to get enough of these lately? I mean do these things even contain real cheese?

Somehow the cheese and crackers just taste so much better when the cheese is shaped exactly like the crackers. Or maybe I like them because the whole thing comes conveniently packaged with its own separate compartments for each food. Or maybe it's because I didn't have to cut up the cheese myself. It has already been done for me. Or maybe it's that I get a mini KitKat as a reward for eating my cheese and crackers. Hard to say. Regardless, I'm hooked, at least temporarily.

Can you tell it's Friday afternoon and almost time for work to be over? ;o)

Dear Dish on the Family Guy vs. the Simpsons

2008-04-04T14:47:00.001-03:00

Dear Dish,

I'm concerned about the Family Guy usurping the Simpsons rightful place in society. The Family Guy is fairly low brow. I like the smooth humour of watching the Simpsons. When I do, I am in flavour country. And it's a big country. I am concerned.

What say you?

Sincerely,
The Watcher

Dear Watcher:

If The Family Guy ever does usurp the Simpsons rightful place in society it will only be because the Simpsons has been on so long that its writers seem to be growing tired. It won't be because The Family Guys is higher quality programming.

The Family Guy brand of humour can never compare with that found on the Simpsons. It is just way to obvious. The thing Dish likes about the Simpsons is how each episode is filled with cultural references. Sometimes you can go back and watch an episode that you've seen a million times and some new reference will finally click and more hilarity will ensue. With The Family Guy, what you see is what you get. And that grows tiresome.

Dish remembers finally seeing the original version of Psycho for the first time at a midnight showing when she was going to UPEI and finally understanding the Simpsons episode where Principal Skinner looks up at the large house on the hill and yells "mother!". There may have even been shouting to that effect, so great was her excitement at finally being enlightened.

Where would we be without moments like these? Besides, Dish firmly believes in the philosophy that everything in life is either a psychology experiement or a Simpsons episode. Clearly, Dish does not want her life to bear any semblance to The Family Guy.

As proof of the beauty of the Simpsons, I leave you with some quotable quotes.

Bart: Buy me "Bonestorm" or go to Hell!
Marge: Bart!
Homer: Young man, in this house, we use a little word called "please."

Bart: Aw, I'm going to miss the whole summer.
Homer: Don't worry, boy. When you get a job like me, you'll miss every summer.

Homer: No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.

Homer: I have misplaced my pants.

And there are plenty more where that came from. Long live the Simpsons!

Dish

Dear Dish on Feminism

2008-03-12T22:30:00.001-03:00

Dear Dish:

Can you both be a feminist and shave too? If I stop shaving my legs, do I automatically become a feminist?

Can I still say things like, "Don't ask me, I'm just a girl," and "Thinking too much gives you wrinkles?" Can I still believe that they should teach shopping at school and emphasize the importance of baking cookies for the boys?

What are your opinions on this difficult and complex topic?

Sincerely,
A New Wave Feminist

Dear New Wave:

If you stop shaving your legs, the only thing that you are automatically going to become is hairier.

Contrary to popular belief, feminism is not about the body hair. Some people believe that if a woman shaves her legs or other parts of her body she is not truly a feminist because generally speaking men do not shave their body hair and thus she must not truly believe in equality and yadda yadda ya.

The point of feminism is not to make women exactly like men. That is never going to happen. Certain anatomical differences will always prevent this from ever being the case. The purpose of feminism is to promote equality and the freedom of choice. Shave or don’t shave. It’s your choice. It only becomes a feminist issue if you are making that choice because of pressure from a man or from society.

Although you are free to say the things you alluded to in the second part of your question if you so choose, generally speaking, feminists tend to frown upon this way of thinking. It actually goes against everything in which they believe. Now, this may come as a shock to you, but feminists and basically the majority of the general public (with the exception of some backward chauvinists) believe that as a group women are just as smart as men! In fact, if we subscribe to the theory of Mrs. Banks from Mary Poppins, feminists believe that as a group men are rather stupid (Read more about my thoughts about that here). Blaming your lack of desire to express an opinion on your gender merely serves to uphold the ideological structures of our patriarchal society and further oppress women.

As for you comment about thinking too much causing wrinkles, I suggest a good dose of The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf. Rush right out and read it right away. This book describes how the ideal standard of beauty (as decided by men) was set to higher and more unattainable levels as women began to break the chains of patriarchy, became involved in more than just the domestic sphere and gained more power. In reality, society's concept of beauty just disguises another method of oppression that causes women to spend more of their time and energy trying to achieve an unattainable ideal and less energy on achieving worthwhile goals. It describes how beauty is a patriarchal construct that leads women see each other as rivals and judge each other on looks rather than working together to end their oppression. (Can you tell that Dish once did an in-depth analysis of this book when she went to the chick school?)

As for the importance of baking cookies for the boys, Dish has nothing against baking cookies for boys who deserve them. In fact, she derives a lot of satisfaction from doing so, when the right boy is the one enjoying them. Don’t worry. I have learned my lesson. I am not going to attempt to renounce my feminist ways again. I am merely embracing the fact that feminism is about choice. And if I choose to bake cookies (or other delicious treats) for men, than so be it. Patriarchy has not pressured me into it. My love of sugar has. And that, my friends, is a completely different topic.

Dish

Side note: Given that the phrase "women are oppressed due to the overarching ideological structures of our patriarchal society" used to be one of my favourite ways to begin a rant back in my hard core feminist days at the Mount (there was even contemplation of a very large tattoo), I thought I would see how many times I have incorporated it into blog entries. Only four times (five if you count this one)! Disappointing. I guess I’ve mellowed since my time there. Maybe I need a refresher course… :o)

Dear Dish on Men's Attempts to Woo the Ladies

2008-03-06T14:15:00.000-04:00

Dear Dish:

The other night, a table of us four ladies were the recipient of a gift in the form of a bottle of Labatt 50 with four straws and a note saying "From the two guys at the end of the bar."

Should we be flattered and in awe of the hilariousness of this situation, or insulted that we were not worthy of four separate bottles?

Sincerely,
Still Thirsty

Dear Thirsty:

Taking offence where none was meant is best left for when you are already in a relationship with a boy. The preferred follow-up action is to then act sulky and force your boy to repeatedly ask you what's wrong, to which you should always answer "nothing" but yet continue to sulk. This makes boys feel desperate to please you and will result in many perks. Try not to overdo it though. That will just make the boy cranky and you will lose your advantage. Also, please be warned that using this tactic too soon (i.e. the first time you meet) may turn boys off and then you won't be able to get them to take you out for a free dinner.

Consequently, what Dish recommends that you do in this situation is to assess the boys in question. Flirt it up. Bat your eyelashes. You might even want to throw in a giggle or two. Meanwhile, keep a close eye on them. Watch. Listen. Do they seem to be the type of boys who are imaginative and have a good sense of humour? If so, take the gesture at face value. It was clearly a clever and hilarious way to get your attention.

On the other hand, if these boys spend the whole time trying to impress you with talk of their fabulous jobs and high salaries, it may be an indication that you are out with cheapskates who like to talk about their money more than they like to spend it (thus the one beer per four girls). If such is the case, run away as fast as you can. No one likes a penny pincher.

Dish

P.S. Cobbler girl, if you are reading this, keep your comments to yourself! ;o)

Dear Dish on Baseless-ly Neurotic Questions

2008-03-03T11:58:00.002-04:00

Dear Dish,

According to my computer, your blog is putting cookies on my computer.

In the words of Cindy Lou-Who, "Why, Dish? Why??"

Is this part of some global domination effort? Are you spying on me?

Sincerely,

A Knowledge Surfer

Dear Surfer:

Once again, we thank Dr. Robert for his technological wisdom. Dish's comments on his response are in italics.

*****

Welcome, welcome, welcome boys and girls to another fun-filled (or is that fact-filled) episode with Doctor Robert. Can we just say where Doctor Robert has been lately? The Apple Store. The sole reason being that Cosmopolitan indicated that a great place to meet single men is at The Apple Store. We all know you want to end up with a geek...because geeks don't harm women. They like playing Dungeons and Dragons and reading ancient issues of Uncanny X-Men (and if you got the Weezer reference in that sentence, BRAvo.)

Taken from Wikipedia (Dish continues to wonder why Dr. Robert didn't learn anything about Wikipedia from the Hatchet fiasco), cookies (in the web browser sense, not the ones Mama Robert made years ago that were a hit in the lunchroom) are used for authenticating, tracking, and maintaining specific information about users, such as site preferences or the contents of their electronic shopping carts. The term "cookie" is derived from "magic cookie," a well-known concept in UNIX computing which inspired both the idea and the name of HTTP cookies.

Let's say you go onto a website which we all love...Facebook (Dish doesn't think Dr. Robert should be saying that we all love facebook when he is not even a member). Well, if you allow your browser to accept cookies from the Facebook website, then your browser can remember great things like what your username was, or what colour theme you had on it last (if only Facebook had this feature...it would be the ultimate!). Or when you go onto aircanada.com and look up flight information to Charlottetown (woops, sorry, only one flight per month out there!) (Dish does not appreciate Dr. Robert's cracks about her home town), then if you allow your browser to accept the website's cookie then you may not have to re-enter all the same information the next time you go back. It will be saved within the input fields and you can choose or not choose to use them.

Doctor Robert personally sees no harm in accepting cookies. Sure, there are malicious users out there but if you are visiting trusted websites (like this one for example), you know that Dish is not trying to kill your computer. But for the ultra-suspicious, you can easily go into your web browser settings (Internet Explorer, Mozilla Firefox, etc.) and indicate that you do not wish to accept cookies. This won't affect your visiting of the site but each time you return you may have to input information (if there were fields to input them to in the first place).

I must leave now as a fox has started to talk up Doctor Robert while he was writing this entry from the Apple Store. Ciao!

Dear Dish on Keeping Secrets

2008-03-03T11:40:00.001-04:00

Dear Dish:

Throughout my years on this Earth (as opposed to the other one), I have encountered the phrase "But don't tell anyone" or "Shh. That's a secret." One would believe that if you hear this phrase, then you should keep it to yourself to respect your friend. The only exception would be if it the secret ends up harming another friend, but that's a different case.

Now, my question revolves around people in relationships and whether or not a person can share the secret with them. I shall give you an example:

Let's say Sally tells Jemaine that she was kissing a boy on Saturday night. She also stipulates that this is to remain a secret. So, in respecting his friend, Jemaine decides to keep the secret, and not even mention it to his lovely girlfriend Trixie, who is the most caring (and beautiful) person on the Earth. And has an accent.

Let it be noted that Trixie was also at the same establishment where this kiss took place on the night in question. One would think that if Trixie saw this, then chances are she would have told Jemaine, hence Jemaine assumes that Trixie did not see the kissing event and realizes that he should keep it a secret (out of respect for his friend Sally).

QUESTION: Is it fine to share these secrets with loved ones? A sub-question to this is whether or not it is assumed that if Sally tells Jemaine to keep a secret, that because Jemaine is in a relationship with Trixie the secret can automatically be passed onto her (unless there is the caveat of "And don't tell Trixie!!!").

In the end, Jemaine looks like a moron because Trixie brought it up because Sally was also talking to Trixie about the event. So here we have Sally telling both Jemaine and Trixie about the same event, but as far as Jemaine can tell, he was asked to keep it a secret. Was this a test on Jemaine? In the future, should he just assume that people know that whenever a secret is told, he's going to share it with Trixie?

A perplexed partner

Dear Perplexed:

In this situation Dish feels that Jemaine should be applauded for his integrity. Truly he is an honest and faithful friend to Sally.

In response to your question, IDEALLY, Dish feels that if you tell someone something and specify that it is a secret, than that means it is a secret. If someone confides a secret in you than that means it is for yours ears alone. It is not for you share with just one person. It is not for you to assume that you may also tell your partner. Should the person with the secret choose to tell other people, than that is their concern. It is not your business to share the secret with others, or even to drop hints or to see if you can figure out who, if anyone, has also been told the secret. Dish believes that this is the standard that should be upheld.

However, in the real world, things tend to work a little differently. Dish has to say that if she tells one part of a couple something that is a secret, she generally assumes that the person will share her secret with their significant other. If she does not want the significant other to know the secret, than generally she just will specifically ask that person not to tell their significant other. Even so, this is not always a guarantee and sometimes she just won’t tell that person the secret at all.

Now, just because Dish tends to be a bit cynical (Her mother didn’t give her a guide for cynics for nothing...Dish sometimes wonders if her mothers really understands her sense of humour. Mom, if you're reading this, I love you!), Dish does not advocate that Jemaine give up his high standards. Far from it. The world needs more men like Jemaine. Dish is merely warning unsuspecting readers that, when they are confiding in most others besides Jemaine, they are likely sharing their secret with two people, if their confidante is part of a couple.

With regard to whether Sally was merely testing Jemaine, it is possible; however, there could also be other explanations. For example, perhaps Sally is jaded and assumes that Jemaine is like most others and that her secret would be passed on to Trixie anyway. Perhaps Sally merely forgot to inform Jemaine that she had also told Trixie (clearly, this would have been the and courteous thing to do). Or, perhaps Sally is just one of those people who can’t even keep her own secret. Dish suggests that Jemaine ask Sally about it directly since that is the only way to truly uncover the reasoning behind her actions.

Hope this clears up any confusion.
Dish

Dear Dish on Bert and Ernie

2008-02-28T11:30:00.002-04:00

Dear Dishness:

Having been a huge Sesame Street and Muppets fan since I was a kid, one question has troubled me since my early formative years: Are Bert and Ernie "brothers" or are they "lovers"?

Sincerely,
A Puzzled Fuzzy Blue Monster

Dear Puzzled:

Growing up, Dish always thought that Bert and Ernie were brothers, namely because they shared a room with two single beds. This is quite reminiscent of the room Dish used to have to share with one of her sisters, which was aptly dubbed "parallel land" since each side of the room had a matching twin bed, clock-radio and ghetto blaster. Although, now that I think about it, Bert did have a brother Bart and a baby cousin named Brad and there was never any mention of these characters being related to Ernie. Similarly, Ernie had a cousin Ernestine and no mention was ever made of her relationship to Bert.

This is a serious issue that cannot be resolved based on mere speculation. Consequently, I turn now to the most official source on the topic.

The Children’s Television Workshop issued the following statement:

"Bert and Ernie, who've been on Sesame Street for 25 years, do not portray a gay couple, and there are no plans for them to do so in the future. They are puppets, not humans. Like all the Muppets created for Sesame Street, they were designed to help educate preschoolers. Bert and Ernie are characters who help demonstrate to children that despite their differences, they can be good friends."

Cleary the answer to your question is "neither". Bert and Ernie are not brothers or lovers. They are muppet friends. Problem solved.

Dish

Dear Dish on Numbers and Apostrophes

2008-02-26T09:50:00.000-04:00

Dear Dish:

I've grown increasingly dissatisfied with my one of my desktop calendars. The grammar one. It's called "Eats, Shoots and Leaves." Very clever title.

I thought it would unlock the secrets of grammar - the secrets of kings! And the upper class. I'm sick of those two-bit grammar correctors thinking they're better than me. It's just not fair when I'm coerced into writing a number as a number (3), instead of writing the word out, like "three". (I only have this issue up to and including the number nine). I know I'm right.

So anyway, I'm either looking for a better desk top calendar, or spiritual advice relating to the grammar department. What's the deal with the apostrophe anyway? Can I ever use it to show possession? Like, as in, Dish's Advice column? An olde English teacher once got snotty with me for using it in that sense. But it's soo tempting!

Sincerely,

A Grammar Rodeo Participant

P.S. - Everything is going fine at work, in case you're wondering.

Dear GRP:

Dish has an AC(lightning bolt)DC calendar in her cube and she finds it quite satisfactory. In fact, it is a shining beacon in a small dreary cube.

However, if you truly are in need of grammar guidance, you have come to the right place. Dish is a language professional.

Many factors need to be taken into consideration when deciding whether to write numbers out or express them as numerals. Generally speaking, we write out single digit numbers (one to nine) and use numerals for the rest (10 and over). Of course when you start getting into the big numbers you can use a combination, for example, "I want to win $20 million" dollars. Exceptions to the rule do occur however. Single digit numbers should be expressed as numerals if it lends consistency to the text or if your text is financial, technical or scientific.

As for the apostrophe, its primary use is to indicate possession! Perhaps, what your teacher was upset about was the use of "it's" to indicate the possessive. This is a definite no no. "It's" is ALWAYS a contraction of "it is". The possessive form of "it" is "its".

If you have any more grammar dilemmas, I am here for you.
Dish

Dear Dish on Tramapolines!

2008-02-25T10:20:00.002-04:00

Dear Dish:

I'm concerned about trampolines being death traps. Sure, we used to jump on them all the time back in the day, but times have changed. Today's children aren't nearly hearty enough to survive playing on a trampoline. These kids are being raised on iPods and Lipton Chicken Noodle Soup.

And then, in the summer, they stick lawn sprinklers under them and, god forbid, sometimes put soap on the top. I survived (and had a lot of fun) trampolining as a child, but I'm not sure about kids today. I picture a futuristic world where either:

1) All children have been wiped out due to trampolines; or
2) Humanity is prospering and children are enjoying safer alternatives.

Sincerely,
A deep thinker

P.S. Not that I want to get all neurotic on people, but here's the mathematical breakdown of Lipton Chicken Noodle Soup folks: amount of sodium > amount of actual and/or synthesized chicken.

Dear thinker:

Safer alternatives? Are you mad? Trampolines are part of the natural selection process. Who are we to tamper with that? I survived many a trampoline-jumping session and I think I am a quality member of society. In fact, as per Lisa Simpson's suggestion, I just might have my wedding on a trampoline. I have also eaten plenty of Lipton Chicken Noodle Soup and I haven't had a heart attack.

This is a matter of the survival of the fittest. Kids today need to toughen up!

Now, I leave you with some quotes from a fabulous Simpsons episode, "Bart's Inner Child" when Homer gets a free trampoline from Krusty.

Todd: Each leap brings us closer to God.
Rod: Catch me, Lord, catch me!
[They collide and fall onto the ground]
What have we done to make God angry?
Todd: *You* did it!

Milhouse: Stop jumping on me! I'm hurt.
Homer: Kids, kids: once you get hurt, move aside and let other people jump.

Dish

Dear Dish on Hair Dye

2008-02-22T08:00:00.001-04:00

Dear Dish:

I've noticed throughout the years that women like to change their hair colour. Blonde to brunette, red to green, you name it, they've all done it. What's the reason for this? Is it because all women are looking to change something in their life and this is one of the things they can actually control?

Colour Confused

Dear Confused:

While I appreciate the opening for a feminist rant about how all women are oppressed due to the overarching ideological structures of our patriarchal society and are therefore trying to regain some semblance of control through their hair, I really just can't muster up the enthusiasm for it right now.

There are various reasons why women dye their hair. Maybe they are dying of boredom. Maybe they just want to shake things up. Part of the problem with the hair dying phenomenon is that once you make the decision to do it, it is dye cast. You then have to continue to dye your hair for the rest of your life unless you have the patience of a saint and can wait for years for the dye to grow out. The other alternative is to try the short hair look for awhile, cut the dye out and start fresh.

Also, once you start dying, it can also become addictive. Dish's hair was once a fabulous shade she can only desribe as either a blackberry or black cherry colour. It was to dye for. She pretty much felt as though she had dyed and gone to heaven. Ever since, she has been on an eternal quest to recapture that colour. Many times she has come close, but it is always just a little bit off.

So who knows? Maybe the hair dying fad will dye down but, for now, it appears to be going strong. So just go with it. Live and let dye.

Dish

Dear Dish on Mini Eggs

2008-02-21T08:10:00.001-04:00

Dear Dish:

Now that all the questionable SAD-related activities are behind us, we can move on to bigger and better holidays: specifically, Easter.

As with every North American holiday, we are pummelled with boatloads of festive merchandise. Enter the mini egg. God bless those little things. But now, now there's the mini-mini egg! Behold! It's extra-tiny! Batman discussion aside, there are now two different types of mini eggs to choose from.

Which is better Dish? Please report back.

Sincerely,
A Chocolate Fancier

Dear Fancier:

Dish thinks that Micro Mini Eggs are a crock. Who wants a smaller treat with less chocolate? If anything they should be enlarging the Mini Egg into a Macro Mini Egg, although that takes us into oxymoron territory. Dish also warns you not to fall for the Popping Mini Eggs, which are your regular old school Mini Eggs with pop rocks in them. Instead of acheiving a "together at last" scenario, Cadbury ended up with a "why didn't I just get regular Mini Eggs" disappointment (much like the Coke with lime scenario).

Readers should also note that Mini Eggs aren't just for Easter any more. Christmas Mini Eggs are now also sold. Dish is just one victim. Who can resist a Mini Egg? Yet clearly this is just a money-making scheme since eggs have nothing to do with Christmas. Don't even get me started about egg nog, especially given that the French equivalent is lait de poule. Chicken's milk? Could a more repulsive name for a beverage possibly be found?

In any case, Dish strongly advises against the Micro Mini Egg. We live in North America. Bigger is what we do best. Why try to change that?

Dish

Dear Dish on Patent Pending

2008-02-20T08:07:00.001-04:00

Dear Dish:

I've noticed the words "Patent Pending" on a lot of things lately. A utility knife in my washroom or the toilet paper dispenser at work.

I understand the concept of a patent, in that once you patent an idea, no one else can use that same idea without your permission.

But what's the point of a pending patent? Do manufacturers say to themselves "Well, we want to get this product out there as fast as we can so let's just stick the 'Patent Pending' label on it to scare away anyone who thinks they could make the same object."?

Dish, should I be putting Patent Pending on everything I create (including snowmen)?

Sincerely,
A concerned consumer

Dear Concerned:

Since it sometimes takes a long time for a patent to be issued for an invention, inventors sometimes choose to market their inventions before they are actually issued a patent. If a patent application has already been submitted, the product can be labelled "patent pending" to warn others that a patent is in the works and that, although others can make, use, and sell the invention until the patent is actually issued, copycats should be careful because they may end up infringing the inventor's rights with regard to the product and face legal consequences. Once a patent is issued, the "patent pending" label is replaced by a patent number.

Dish strongly recommends that you DO NOT stick "patent pending" labels on everything you make, including snowmen, since a) snowmen do not last long enough to bother labelling, unless you keep them in the freezer but then they infringe on your freezer space and b) it is highly illegal to use this label unless a patent application has been filed.

Talk of patents aside, Dish feels that the real and underlying issue here is the utility knife in your washroom. What exactly is it doing there? Are you trying a new fangled approach to shaving? Or is this an indication of deep emotional troubles? Remember, if you need to talk, Dish is here for you.

Dish

Dear Dish on Fish and Chips

2008-02-19T21:11:00.000-04:00

Dear Dish:

I was at this amazing fish diner the other day and I ordered the fish and chips. However, afterwards in the afternoon, I had extreme pains in my insides, which resulted in trips to the washroom. While this isn't a pretty story, I want to know if I should blame the establishment, or if I should blame myself for ordering an item that blatantly has a lot of grease on it to begin with when I should have known better?

One in Pain

Dear Pained:

Not to be vague, but both of these reasons could be to blame for your abdominal discomfort. Fish and chips are deep-fat fried. Oil for frying is often reused. If the restaurant where you ate did not strain or store the oil properly between uses, or if it continued using the oil after it had clearly become rancid then, yes, the establishment could be to blame for your troubles.

However, if you don't often eat such greasy food (if, for example, you are watching your cholesterol), your gastrointestinal woes could merely be your body's way of protesting against a foreign and nasty substance.

The best way to solve this problem is to eat greasy junk food on a regular basis. That way when you become ill from eating fast food or other greasy, high-fat items, you will know for sure that the restaurant is to blame for your misfortune and will be able to take the proper legal action.

Dish

Dear Dish on Family Day

2008-02-18T10:10:00.001-04:00

Dear Dish,

I'm bitter that I have to work on Family Day. How can I assauge this bitterness?

Sincerely,

The Proletariat

Dear Proletariat:

Dish has no advice for you on this one. She too is a ball of bitterness. All we can do is suck it up and hope that they include Family Day as a statutory holiday in the next collective agreement. We must also hope that, if and when they do so, they remember to set Family Day as a statutory holiday for all government employees in the National Capital Region and not just those working in Ontario. Those of us who work in Quebec do not want to get screwed on this one.

If you really can't get over your bitterness, you might want to try talking about it to a counsellor or a clergy member. (Sorry, I just couldn't resist!)

Dish

Dear Dish on Working

2008-02-17T21:40:00.000-04:00

Dear Dish:

I cannot convey to you my sheer delight when I happened upon your effervescently entertaining blog in the gargantuan place they call the World Wide Web! Why, your fresh and witty perspective on modern-day society's ills is precisely what we all need more of. Chapeaux to you, Dish, chapeaux, as the French say.

And so, I pose to you Dish, a most wise and omnipowerful source of blog knowledge, a dreadful question that has been lingering with me for many moons...What oh what is one to do when the very thought of going to one's workplace five days a week makes one want to retch until one's throat is scratchy and raw or, to be more precise, when stepping off the elevator every morning to face the mind-numbingly dreary innards of one's solitary cube makes one wish one was on permanent sick leave?

Desperately Seeking Friday

Dear Desperate:

Thank you for your flattering comments. Dish is always glad to hear that her column is appreciated.

With regard to your question about work, whatever you do, do NOT try to find another job that you would enjoy more. You chose your career and now you are just going to have to live with it. After all, quitters never win. You'll just have to continue to go to work each day and live in misery for the next 35 years until you are able to retire or until you meet some unfortunate and unexpected end.

However, perhaps it will make you feel better to have a diagnosis for the feelings you are experiencing. What you have is a disease. It's called Silent Desperation.

Cube life is much like Hotel California. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave. To ease the pain, Dish suggests eating mass quantities of junk food. A giant bag of chips, for example, will provide a small bit of distraction from the monotony and screaming silence of cube life. Plus, it offers the added bonus of driving your co-workers crazy with the crackling sound the bag makes each time you reach for more and the loud crunching sound the chips make as you eat them. Becoming a junk food junkie will definitely dull your senses. Obesity is a small price to pay to save your sanity. Besides, you sit in a cube. No one ever sees you anyway.

Have a nice life.
Dish

Dear Dish on Going Low Brow

2008-02-17T19:10:00.000-04:00

Dear Dish:

There's all this talk about back alleys and "units".

How on earth did your column turn into such a low-brow column overnight?

Sincerely,

A Morally Justified Individual

Dear Morally Justified:

Dish responds to any questions readers send in. She hates to point the finger, but if the column has become "low brow" it isn't really Dish's fault, now is it?

As classy as ever,
Dish

Dear Dish on SAD, a popular topic these days

2008-02-13T22:15:00.001-04:00

Dish:

Do you think guys feel the same way about the dreaded V-Day as single girls stereotypically do?

P.S. Any advice on what to do when flirting shamelessly with someone else's partner lands you in a less-than-friendly tête-à-tête with a mad-as-a-hornet girl or boyfriend in some back alley parking lot?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

The stereotypical single girl looks upon Valentines Day with dread and loathing. This is because she will be forced to spend the day watching other girls get chocolates and flowers and (heaven forbid) singing telegrams (Side note: Dish is dead set against the singing telegram. It’s embarrassing for all involved.). This girl spends the day feeling humilated because she has to tell people she has no plans for Valentines Day and didn’t get any gifts.

From my experience (and one has only needs to look so far as the boys on Chez 106 to confirm this), it is the men who have a significant other who dread and loathe Valentines Day, not the other way around.

While many a single girl is just hoping to get through the day, the single man is generally oblivious to the fact that it even is Valentines Day. He doesn’t have any reason to remember. Frankly, he can barely remember when he does have a reason to remember.

On Valentines Day, despite the fact that Valentines Day paraphernalia came out in stores the day after Christmas, most married or otherwise taken men either a) fail to notice all clues indicating that this day is different from the others until they get home and realize that their lady friend was expecting an extravagant romantic gesture and they are now in the doghouse because they came home empty handed or b) panicking because they remembered at the last minute and now have to try to come up with something at the last minute that doesn’t look like they came up with it at the last minute. (Trust me boys. The girl always knows.)

Meanwhile, the single man who remembers it is Valentines Day is thanking his lucky stars that he isn’t one of the suckers who has to pay three times as much as usual for flowers that will just be dead in a few days anyway (we’ve even heard such complaints here before).

As for your potential cat-fight/brawl dilemma from shameless flirting, what can I say. Tsk tsk is what comes to mind. I would assume my faithful readers would have more sense than to let things go that far, or at least be sensible enough to not go by themselves into a back alley parking lot where someone could easily rough them up. The best thing to do is to get some menions to watch your back while you flirt shamelessly. If you are a boy, be smart about things. Don’t flirt with anyone who has a boyfriend bigger than you are. And whatever you do, for heaven’s sake, don’t go making any crazy comments about Batman and the size of people’s units.

Best of luck. Let me know how it all turns out.
Dish

Dear Dish on Batman

2008-02-13T21:41:00.001-04:00

Dear Dish:

There was an argument the other night that if you were a fan of the Batman, then you most assuredly could not have a large unit between your legs. Is that possible?

A Batfan

Dear Batfan:

Dish does not feel that there is any reason to feel ashamed of being a Batfan. Anyone who would issue such a derogatory statement about fans of her favourite superhero clearly has self-esteem issues and deserves our pity.

To answer your question, there is no direct correlation between being a Batfan and your "unit". Perhaps, the person who made this statement has a "unit" that doesn’t quite cut it and feels inadequate because he could never fill out a latex suit like Batman can. Often people try to draw attention away from their own flaws by pointing them out in others.

This person's outrageous statement may also just be a reflection of their own lack of ability to form educated opinions. Such a simple and sweeping generalization could just be an attempt to cover up the fact that he just isn’t smart enough to back up his dislike of a superhero with rational, well-researched arguments.

Of course the above response applies only if the person who made the statement was male, which was not specified in your letter. If the person was female, Dish suspects that this person may be lashing out at others because of frustration in the bedroom. Perhaps her significant other's claim to fame is his love of Batman and maybe, just maybe, his "unit" was not all she had hoped and dreamed. In her disappointment, she equated the two and is now spreading false rumours.

Either way, Batman is the superhero of all superheros and nothing you can say will convince me otherwise. Now, stop with the slander already.

Dish

Dear Dish on SAD Celebrations

2008-02-13T08:25:00.001-04:00

Dear Dish:

How can I squeeze the last drop of goodness out of Singles Awareness Day this year?

Do I need to show up to work that day?

Sincerely,
An Aware Single

Dear Aware:

There are many ways to celebrate Singles Awareness Day. Really, it depends on what sort of perspective you are coming from this year. Are you single and loving it? Single and suicidal? Single and heartbroken? Single and bitter? Single and aware that many of the people around you have merely settled? Single and looking? Part of a couple but thinking you can do better and wishing you were single? Your perspective will have a big impact on your day.

First of all, I suggest you pick a theme song that reflects your mood. You can listen to it on repeat all day, or maybe make a compilation of appropriate songs.

Dish suggests you try to keep the day upbeat if possible. Some songs that are catchy yet still convey an appropriate message for the day are: I’m Too Sexy by Right Said Fred, Thorn in My Side by the Eurythmics, and Dancing With Myself by Billy Idol. (Side note: Ben, you will appreciate this video for its zombie content!)

If you insist on feeling depressed, Dish suggests pretty much anything by Morrissey. Will Never Marry is a classic. Or, you could go with his earlier works and try Never had No One Ever by the Smiths. If you’re really depressed and are looking for something to motivate you toward suicide, try All By Myself by Celine Dion. If this song does not throw you over the edge, Dish does not know what will.

Next, make sure you dress appropriately for SAD. Black, the colour of mourning, is always a classic. Or, if you want to shake things up, you might want to try purple, the colour of the sexually frustrated. You could even try designing your own buttons or t-shirt.

Eating mass quantitites of chocolatey treats is also a must. Most importantly, do not forget to pick up discounted chocolate the day after SAD.

Glaring at happy loving couples who are being too affectionate in public is optional. However, wearing seductive clothing and flirting unnecessarily with other people’s partners is mandatory. This is even more effective if you hum Don’t Cha under your breath while you're at it.

As for missing work, it’s entirely up to you. If you do decide to skip work, Dish suggests that you either call in sick or ask in advance to take it as a vacation day. Failing to report to work without a good reason is irresponsible and Dish does not want to have to translate your Employment Insurance appeal when you lose your job because of your own misconduct and are all whiny and pleading for EI benefits when clearly you are not entitled to receive them. Dish has enough work to do without you creating more.

Now, get out there and enjoy the day. Happy SAD!
Dish

Dear Dish on Thank You Notes

2008-02-11T09:30:00.000-04:00

Dear Dish:

Last summer I attended two weddings. Knowing that each couple had been living together for several years and, therefore, not needing anything I gave each couple a gift certificate. In the past when I gave an actual gift to a newly wedded couple, I recieved a thank you note. It's now 6 months after both weddings, and I have never recieved a thank you note. Do gift certificates not rate a thank you note? Am I being too sensitive? Or maybe giving a gift certifcate is declasse in the case of weddings? (However, I was not the only person to give a gift certifcate).

Many thanks,

Thankless

Dear Thankless:

Once upon a time the bride and groom had one year after getting married to send out all their thank you notes. Many couples still believe that this holds true. However, current wedding etiquette cleary states that thank you notes should be sent out within one to three months after the wedding. Most experts agree that even the three month mark is pushing the boundaries of good taste.

The fact that you gave a gift card shouldn't make a lick of difference. Any sort of monetary gift should also be acknowledged with a thank you note.

Possibly your friends are operating on a false pretense and believe they still have six more months to get their thank you cards out. Since this is a falsehood that is deeply engrained in our society, I would give them the additional six months before cutting those ungrateful swine you call friends out of your life.

Hope this helps.
Dish

Dear Dish on All-Inclusiveness

2008-02-08T15:15:00.000-04:00

Dear Dish:

Recently I was down south with my girlfriend at an all‑inclusive resort. At one point, she was thirsty and requested a bottle of water from the bar (as we had been warned not to drink the water) and she was asked for $2. We were not impressed as we had paid for the ALL‑INCLUSIVE package.

What are your thoughts on this? We ended up opting for the Pepsi and, on future gatherings at that particular bar, we brought our own litre of water to the bar with us. But this is inconvenient as well.

My question is what should we have done about the situation?
A Cranky Consumer

Dear Cranky:

Since Dish is a non‑drinker, it makes her extremely cranky to hear this as well. Why must society cater only to the alcohol drinkers among us? WHY?!! (That’s a rhetorical question of course. Dish doesn’t ask questions. She answers them. The answer to that one is clearly a sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll type of answer.)

With regard to what you should have done, I definitely think a protest was in order. Next time, I suggest picket signs and loud chanting. A few rhymes that come immediately to mind that may help with signage and/or chanting are: “Elusive All Inclusive”, “Hell – no H20”, “Stop the slaughter, give us water!” But you can work on that aspect of the situation.

The point is that the squeaky wheel gets the grease! The bigger the fuss you make, the more “the man” (i.e. the sneaky all-inclusive resort that denies you your basic needs) will want to appease you in order to shut you up. Scenes are your greatest ally in these types of situations. Generally speaking, Dish does not approve of scenes; however, when you are clearly in the right, sometimes a good scene is necessary in order to get the things to which you are entitled.

Fight the power!
Dish

Dear Dish on Ice Skating

2008-02-06T22:17:00.000-04:00

Dear Dish:

With Winterlude upon us here in Ottawa, I am once again inundated with requests to go out skating on the Canal but I am unable to skate. This brings up memories of my childhood when I would be the only person on the side of the ice rink all by lonesome. I feel the same around this time of the year because everyone does not understand my inability to skate! I feel like a mutant. What can I do to fix this feeling?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous aka Mutant:

Clearly, you *are* a mutant. You grew up in Canada and can't skate? I am both shocked AND horrified. You mean to tell Dish that you never skated as a child? Not even roller skated?! Once upon a time, Dish was the queen of the roller rink, but that is a tale for another time.

You asked how you can stop feeling alienated from your friends and family. I *could* give you all sorts of fluffy advice about learning to love yourself for who you are, but that isn't so helpful when small children are pointing and laughing as glide circles around you on their skates.

What I suggest is that we get to the actual root of the problem. The only solution is that you must learn to skate. You are never too old to learn. The sooner the better in this case. I insist upon it. Dish will take you out to the canal herself if need be. If Chazz Michael Michaels and Jimmy MacElroy can put aside their differences and win the gold, then surely you can at least TRY to learn.

Now, should you try your best fail miserably then we will have to heed Homer Simpson's wise words of "Never try." In that case, I will be here to soothe you and tell you all the things you need to hear about self-esteem. Until then, get your arse out onto the Canal and learn to skate already.

love
Dish

P.S. You may want to bring an old metal chair to push around at first to help you learn to balance.

Happy gliding!

Dear Dish on Pears

2008-02-05T20:42:00.000-04:00

Dear Dish:

Pears in general are persnickity fruits. You buy them, and you wait and wait for them to ripen. And if you're off by a day - WHAM! - you've ruined your pear. I'm impartial to yellow pears, as I find they're sweeter and they don't leave a weird coating on your teeth like their questionable green cousins.

What type of pear do you prefer Dish?

Sincerely,
A Pear Snatcher

Dear Snatcher:

First, some vocabulary clarification. Impartial means unprejudiced or fair. If you are partial to something it means you have a liking or preference for it.

Now, on to the true subject at hand. I recently forced myself to like pears because I felt that it was ridiculous that I liked pear flavoured foods, such as yogurt and candies, but not the real thing. I was succesful in my attempts and the variety of pear I prefer is the the yellow Bartlett.

On a helpful side note, if you are taking a pear in your lunch and need to transport it, slipping it into a mitten will help prevent bruising. It is truly unfortunate that I have not come across a pear guard similar to the banana guard. It would indeed be practical; however, I suppose it would also be much less humourous.

Dish

Dear Dish on American Gladiators

2008-02-05T19:30:00.000-04:00

Dear Dish:

Do you find American Gladiators as creepy as I do? Like really, have you actually sat down and watched the thing?

It is rather suspicious that the contenders are never as big as the gladiators. Suspicious in a steroid-like sense, I do think. But I won't name gladiator names. And it's campy and over-the-top (and not in a cool high school-ish "Reach for the Top" kind of way).

How do I get over my general creepiness and just enjoy American Gladiators for positive "spirit of the sport/writers strike" show that it is? Or should I just refuse to never watch it again? I don't know if I can reconcile my feelings.

Sincerely,
Someone who's going to disconnect the cable

Dear Disconnect:

First of all, the reason why this show is "campy" is because it was originally produced in the 80s, the era of all things campy, cheesy and over the top.

Second, the gladiators are meant to be large and creepy. This gives the viewing public all the more reason to root for the little (i.e. non-steroidal) guy or the underdog if you will.

Most importantly, the show is hosted by Hulk Hogan. How can you not watch it? Doesn't the mere sight of him bring back all sorts of happy childhood memories?

On a quasi-related tangent, Dish used to love WWF wrestling back in the day. She even had one of those puppets of Hulk Hogan with the plastic head and cloth body and plastic boxing-gloved hands that had a mechanism inside that made his fists punch. In Grade 7 French class, Dish had to read a book called Aller Retour in which the main character's uncle beats him. Dish and her friend then had to do a presentation in class about the book. They chose to do a rap/puppet show (together at last) about the book to the background music of Parents Just Don't Understand starring the Hulk Hogan puppet as the abusive uncle.

To answer your question, clearly you are not a child of the 80s. If you were, you would be able to love American Gladiators. Since this was a fabulous time to be alive, I therefore suggest you try to embrace all things 80s. Well, maybe some fashion trends could be avoided, but there is plenty of enjoyment to be had from the music, television and movies.

Since Singles Awareness Day/Valentines Day is rapidly approaching and since Def Leppard and Styx are coming to town in the near future, I suggest you begin by watching the videos of Love Bites and Babe to get you in the right mood.

Do it.
Dish

Dear Dish on Donuts/Doughnuts

2008-01-30T17:42:00.000-04:00

Dear Dish:

Behold the Tim Hortons' Donut of the Month: the candy cane donut.

This idea no doubt taxed the minds of the marketing department at Tim Hortons. But obviousness aside, there's no escaping this sad fact: the donut looks like a candy cane barfed on it. In fact, not just one, but too many spewing candy canes to count. And for those of you that know me, I don't use the term barf liberally. If you're going to use candy cane chunks, at least grind them up uniformly and don't put in excessive chunky chunks of green candy cane. Everybody knows that green is part of the candy cane swirl and not the chunk.

Tim Hortons has made me cynical. But nonetheless, I will still stand in line, like cattle, a couple of mornings a week. Fortunately, I won't meet an untimely death, but will be rewarded with a super-smooth caffeinated beverage.

What do you think of this candy cane donut phenomenon? And Doughtnut v. Donut: Where do you side?

Sincerely, An Avid Consumer/Little Elf

Dear Avid Elf:

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I was unable to respond to this question before Christmas. Please accept my deepest apologies for not responding in a timelier manner. I realize that this advice is seasonal, but I hope that you will be able to put it to good use next year. After all, Christmas is a mere 329 days away and counting.

Perhaps when the workers at Tim Hortons are paid more than minimum wage, they will feel more inclined to grind the candy canes more uniformly. Until that time, I am afraid you will just have to take what you can get or start making your own donuts with a more appropriate candy cane topping. I do agree, however, that a candy cane with no red should not be classified as a real candy cane. Why, even those delicious cherryflavoured candy canes are blue and red.

Frankly, I am surprised that you are willing to purchase any sort of iced donut from the Tim Hortons in Place du Centre at all. My experience has always been that the icing is hard and tasteless instead of gooey and delicious as icing should be. It is much safer to stick with the chocolate donut with the sour cream glaze -- Always a delightful choice.

With regard to your decision to drink caffeinated beverages, anyone who has ever seen Clueless knows that caffeine stunts your growth.

As to the spelling of donut/doughnut, the Canadian Oxford states that both are correct. “Donut” is the North American spelling, while “doughnut” is the British. I guess the one you choose will strongly depend on whether you feel more affiliated with the United States or with England. Some readers I know (I won't mention any names) have a special place in their heart for England, particularly for Tony Blair, as demonstrated by their Top 10 Good Looking List.

I leave the spelling issue in your capable hands.

Dish

Dear Dish on Writing to Advice Columnists

2008-01-29T11:10:00.000-04:00

Dear Dish,

I'm alarmed by the lack of new letters in your column. I've come to rely on your advice and support in dealing with lifes quandaries.

Has there been a revolution is wellness where all our problems have magically disappeared? What about all those little wieners that usually write you questions? What are they doing these days?

Sincerely,

An avid reader, but not writer to advice columnists

Dear Avid Reader:

I'm here to help. All questions are welcome. However, it seems a bit hypocritical to expect others to write in about their problems when you are unwilling to do so yourself (except in this instance of course). Also, I am not sure name-calling is going to encourage more communication. Perhaps it would be more mature and productive to spend your time promoting the Dear Dish column to friends and neighbours rather than resorting to mudslinging.

Dish

Dear Dish on Bodily Functions

2008-01-24T21:30:00.000-04:00

Dear Dish:

What do you think about the movie The Shining? I think it's a masterpiece. More importantly, is there anything wrong with passing gas in front of people you are comfortable with?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

Clearly The Shining is just as its tagline suggests —a masterpiece of modern horror. It has all the elements of a good horror film: an isolated locale, a chauvinistic tortured writer, a creepy child (“redrum, redrum”). Also not to be overlooked is the Simpsons version of this movie, The Shinning. “No beer and no tv make Homer something something.” Both of these come highly recommended by Dish.

As for your question regarding bodily functions, just because you are comfortable, does not mean that the other person is. And really, who is this about? You? That’s kind of selfish don’t you think? Perhaps the best thing to do is to ask the other person how they feel about it. Or, better yet, assume it makes them uncomfortable and restrain yourself. You will never regret being too polite in matters such as these; however, an assumed level of comfort could result in an embarrassing situation for both parties.

Good luck.

Dish

Speaking of Underwear...

2008-01-24T10:18:00.000-04:00

This picture still remains one of my favourites on the Eric Conveys an Emotion Web Site. I give you "Hamster in Underpants".

Sadly, it appears that this site has not been updated for awhile, but it does have some good classic photos, such as the above. How can you not laugh at this?

Possible Advantage to Obesity

2008-01-23T14:05:00.000-04:00

Ok. I realize that my efforts to keep my blog up to date have been more than a little half-arsed; however, I take only half the blame as there has been a shortage of Dear Dish letters lately. ;o)

I am not going to write a long post to try to make up for my lameness, but I am going to provide a funny link. Who can resist a headline like "XL Underwear Smothers Fire"?!

Dear Dish on Mac

2007-12-06T10:00:00.000-04:00

Dear Dish,

I've been hearing a lot of noise about Mac computers these days. Apparently, so I've heard, Mac owners seem to be just a little bit more evolved than common society - on average smarter, more creative, more clever, etc. Is this true?

Also, where do you stand on this Mac vs. PC debate? I'm experiencing technological anxiety and I think my hair is starting to fall out.

Sincerely,
A Techno-phobe.

P.S. - If I set up a password on my PC laptop and then forgot what the password is, how would I go about remedying this?

P.P.S. - My iPod isn't working. Apparently -12 degrees is enough to do it in. Eeep.

Dear Techno-phobe:

Dr. Robert, Dish's key technological consultant, was kind enough to provide a guest response to the question below. Sincere thanks to Dr. Robert for always providing the most up-to-date, practical technological information. Dish's comments on Dr. Robert's response are in italics.

******

Doctor Robert signing in for this query. Scanning my database, I find the following //comments concerning the ongoing Mac vs. PC debate.

Pros of a PC - Cheaper.
Pros of a Mac - More user friendly and they have the same name as great makeup (ladies, get yo' Mac on!) [Dish thoroughly supports this claim. Mac make-up is fabulous. She highly recommends the Woodwinked eyeshadow.]

I have been asked why someone should buy a Mac and I must agree that the interface is more user friendly as well as the fact that it comes with some powerhouse applications that allow your creative side flourish! If you are a noob to the creative world of the Internetz, then walk on and finish that Excel spreadsheet Jones! But if thou wish to be mesmerized by the sheer awesomeness of a webcam installed into a computer, or the ability to create music without needing to be a musician, forge onwards to get a Mac! The Mac also has a feature of being able to put more and more components into it so you can tell your friends you have a Big Mac. [Dish personally prefers Quarterpounders, but that wouldn't result in a witty play on words.]

In the end, if you know stuff about computers, then you should get a Mac. But if you just check your email and like to download music, then you can use your junky old PC.

Now, onto some more technical questions:

- I am unsure of where you set up your password. From what I can think of, there are two places you can set the password - in the BIOS or in the Operating System. The BIOS is what runs on your computer when it boots up before it hits the splash screen for your operating system. Unfortunately, if you put a password there and have forgotten it, the only way to reset it is to cry and send it to Doctor Robert. Or log onto the Internet to find out how to do it with your particular laptop. Sure, I know you're going to say "But how can I get onto the Internet if my laptop is locked out?" This is the same predicament Doctor Robert came into when Rogers Internet cut his access off and they said he had to perform a virus scan but I said "How can I update my virus defs if I can't connect to the Internetz?" They said they were foolish and put the Internet back on so I could continue my work in taking over the world....writing my responses to the Dish. Now if your password was set up in Windows, there is also a way to get by that. It's called Google. Use it wisely. I suggest the following search phrase "resetting password windows" Huh, look at that. I got 2,050,000 hits. That's a lot of passwords being reset. Why don't they just give everyone a key to insert into your laptop? No one ever loses their keys. But they lose their memory.

- If your iPod isn't working, there are quite a few things that can be wrong with it. However, I'm assuming you have something to say about the cold weather affecting it. Unfortunately, Doctor Robert ran into this problem when he was up North last year and left his iPod in his vehicle overnight and the -40 weather sapped his battery life to the point where it said the thing had an error and it couldn't boot up. Twelve hours later, Doctor Robert had enough with listening to French AM radio stations [Dish is not opposed to French radio stations, especially the one that seems to play "Wind of Change" at least once per hour]. If he would have known the following tip, it would have saved him: Hold down on the MENU and the middle button for about 5 seconds or until the iPod shows the Apple symbol. This reboots your iPod. Doctor Robert's iPod has been acting up in the past few days also and is also wondering if it's the cold affecting it. All I have to say is that you should invest in some warm socks to put your iPod in and keep it warm. It's your baby. Do you leave your baby in your pocket with nothing warm to wear? I think not! If you do, I am coming after you with a negligence in iPod care. Here is a link to buy some iPod socks to keep it looking good to the other iPods and to keep it warm. [Dish has always stored everything in a mitten -- camera, cellphone, sunglasses, etc. She thinks iPod stole her idea, altered it slightly (socks instead of mittens) and is now making a stolen fortune.]

*******

Hope this helps! Thanks again Dr. Robert, or should we just call you Dr. Bob?

Dish

Dear Dish on Chesterfields

2007-11-27T10:41:00.000-04:00

Dear Dish:

What's up with the word chesterfield? How come no one uses it anymore? What's up with that? Does it only refer to beat up old crappy things from the '70s? That's what I think of when I think of the word. Can a new top-of-line pleather sofa be a chesterfield?

Sincerely,

A Couch Reformer

Dear Reformer

By definition, a chesterfield is a couch or sofa. So yes, a top‑of–the‑line pleather sofa could be referred to as a chesterfield. The appropriateness of using “top of the line” to describe a pleather sofa is another matter entirely. The term chesterfield is primarily a Canadian one and has been declining in popularity. This is no doubt because of the ever‑increasing influence the United States of America is having on our country. Dish blames Stephen Harper.

Let’s keep our Canadian roots intact! Let’s bring back the common use of the word chesterfield! Dish’s own mother is a fine example of unwillingness to bend to the whims of our influential neighbours to the south. She continues to use the word “chesterfield” regularly.

And while we are speaking of terms to keep in circulation, Dish highly promotes the use of “kitbag” as the preferred term for a school bag or back pack and the word “crunchits” as the preferred term for crunchy cheesies.

Embrace your culture.
Dish

Dear Dish on the Batman TV series

2007-11-21T16:00:00.000-04:00

Dear Dish:

How is it possible that Batman can be the darkest, most brooding character ever but they have the Batman TV series?

Sincerely,
Confused

Dear Confused:

Now, I wouldn't venture to say that I am, by any means, a comic book expert; however, since those I usually turn to for insight on questions such as this are the ones throwing this question my way, I will do my best. I have a theory regarding the Batman TV series. I do not profess it to be truth, merely speculation. Readers are more than welcome to share their thoughts on this topic.

The superhero Batman was first introduced to the public in 1939. This was the same year that World War II began. I can only imagine that Batman's dark, brooding character was a reflection of the mood felt by many members of society at that time.

By the time the Batman television series came onto the scene in 1966, people were likely tired of dark and brooding. The War had been over for 21 years at this point, but I imagine people were still attempting to put those dark and trying times behind them. They wanted entertainment that would make them laugh, not entertainment that would force them to reflect on mayhem and tragedy. They'd had enough of that in real life.

By making Batman into a campy, humorous, feel-good show, it provided the public with much needed comic relief after so much suffering. I speculate that the tv show was not so much a reflection of the superhero's actual character as it was a method of reaching an audience. It gave us all a superhero we could love and admire, but also one that could make us laugh.

The same style was adopted for Batman: The Movie, which I highly recommend to anyone who hasn't seen it. It is definitely a classic and scores 5 out of 5 cans of shark repellent Batspray in my books.

Hope this helps.
Dish

Dear Dish on the New Xmas CD

2007-11-21T15:29:00.000-04:00

Dear Dish:

How's the Christmas Fromage coming along? Many of your listeners are eager to hear the results!

Sincerely,
An Eager Reader

Dear Eager Reader:

Fear not. Dish's new Christmas cd is in the works. With iBenoit back on board as the creative genius behind the album artwork, this compilation is guaranteed to be another hit. Now, I don't want to reveal too much and spoil the element of surprise; however, I will tell you that the theme for this year's cd is venturing away from Fromage and into new uncharted Christmas territory. It WILL be worth the wait.

Dish

Dear Dish on Travelling First Class

2007-11-04T13:16:00.000-04:00

Dear Dish:

I want to travel first class more, but I'm cheap and don't want to pay for it. How can I get first class flight tickets without anteing up more money?

I know I ask hard questions Dish, but I consider you four and a half steps below God (you're right above the people that deliver the mail), so I gotta ask.

Do you know something that I don't about weaseling into first class? Please explain.

Sincerely,
First class was made for me, baby!

Dear First Class:

The answer to your question is really quite simple. You have to start practicing THE SECRET. According to this philosophy, you attract into your life the things you focus on the most. So, if you focus on money, money will come to you. In your case, you don't necessarily want more money, just first class plane tickets. So, the next time you travel, buy your economy class ticket but focus on travelling first class. Picture yourself in the larger, more comfortable seat. Imagine eating the higher calibre snacks. Spend a little time every day leading up to your trip doing this. The trick is that you have to believe it. No room for doubts here.

Then, when you show up at the airport, don't be surprised when the flight attendant informs you that your tickets have been bumped up to first class.

Best of luck.

Dish

Dear Dish on Mullets

2007-10-30T07:58:00.000-03:00

Dear Dish:

You know what? The prevalence of mullets has been increasing at an alarming rate. Some people claim this isn't true. Some people call me a liar. However, I don't think this can be ignored.

Can you please comment on this social trend? Should it be encouraged....or squashed by an authoritarian governmental authority (I'm looking to the translators on this one...)??

Sincerely,
A Mullet Observer

Dear Observer:

First let me define "mullet" for any readers who may have been living under a rock or in some other remote location for the past couple of decades.

A mullet is an unfortunate haircut from the 80s that is short in the front and long in the back (i.e. business in the front, party in the back). It was often sported by hockey players and thus often also referred to as hockey hair. Please note, as I have pointed out before, if you never played hockey, your mullet was just a mullet — not hockey hair.

On a woman, this haircut is referred to as a fullet (shortened form of female mullet).

To my utter chagrin, Wikipedia states that David Bowie may have been instrumental in popularizing the mullet. Although, given a recent Wikipedia-related disaster in the form of the movie Hatchet (ahem), who knows what to believe any more. Also, after I watched The Man Who Fell to Earth, David Bowie lost pretty much all of his credibility in my books anyway. But I digress.

The reason why you are seeing a come back in the mullet is that the 80s are making a come back. It started out slow with the revival of 80s cartoons and toys, such as Care Bears, He-Man, Strawberry Shortcake and Transformers. Then, fashion followed suit. This season, the over-sized sweaters, leggings, metallic accessories, short peter-pan-like boots and neon coloured shoes are all the rage, just like in the 80s. Really, it only stands to reason that the 80s hairstyles would also be revived.

Is this a good idea? Dish's answer on this one is a resounding no. The mullet is not a good look for anyone. Ok, so maybe Jonbon had a border-line mullet but it was really more rocker hair than mullet and besides, he's Jonbon, so he is an exception to every rule. I will also let MacGyver get away with his temporary mullet phase.

Truth is, many a rocker and civilian THOUGHT they looked ultra-cool sporting a mullet, but one only has to look as far as Kim Mitchell, Billy Ray Cyrus or Michael Bolton to realize how bad this hair era actually was. Some things are just better off left in the past where they belong. The mullet is one of them.

Given that this trend may not make enough of a revival to warrant government intervention, Dish pleads with her readers to take on a personal crusade against ugly hair.

I'm counting on you, my faithful readers.

Dish

Revenge

2007-10-24T08:00:00.000-03:00

As seen in Termium, the Government of Canada's terminology and linguistic database:

la vengeance est un plat qui se mange froid = revenge is a dish that should be eaten cold.

Dear Dish Reminisces

2007-10-22T17:25:00.000-03:00

Oh, Dear Dish!

My first job involved working with and selling cinnamon buns. After I screwed up scheduling one week, I was demoted to icing maker (one rung above dough maker.) (Maybe. I might be lying to myself.)

Anyway, so I was tasked with making 16 litres of cinnamon bun icing. This involves putting cream cheese, butter, sugar and vanilla into a huge mixer. Well, I wasn't paying attention and measuring carefully when I put the vanilla in. Consequently, my icing didn't quite turn out a pristine white. This is what $5.90 an hour produces: Off-white, slightly yellow icing.

So my supervisor (a questionable person), says, "Did you put too much vanilla in?" And I said, "No." And with a straight face too. Shortly thereafter I left the job.

So my question for you Dish isn't what are the moral implications about lying about the vanilla in the icing. My question is: What was your first job, Dish? How did it go?

Sincerely,

Someone Inspired Towards Higher Education

Dear Inspired:

Please do not do anything rash. One must NEVER discount any food that can be used as a vehicle for cream cheese icing. Do not let one bad experience tarnish years of eating enjoyment.

Dish’s first job (aside from baby-sitting some neighbourhood kids who had a pet ferret that they found on the street and that they had to keep locked up so it wouldn't eat their kittens) was folding laundry at a small motel owned by a very nice couple. My older sister got me the job. I started out low and moved up the ranks to actual room cleaning. I stayed at it for 5 years (summer of grade 7 to summer of grade 11). Aside from the crappy nature of the work, it was actually a pretty sweet deal. I usually only worked from 8:30 or 9:00 a.m. until 1:00 or 2:00 p.m. (3:00-4:00 on the busy days). Lunch was provided, often in the form of a western sandwich.

The beauty of the first job is not learning the skills that actually apply to the job. It is all the other less obvious things that you pick up. I will now impart to you some of the key life life lessons that I learned from my first job so that you may also benefit. I learned that:

Members of motorcycle gangs are good to the little people. They always left more than generous tips, whereas most people never think to even leave a tip for the person who cleans their room at a hotel.
People are dirty and disgusting creatures by nature.
The phrase "I’ll fix your little red wagon" exists and is extremely useful in a variety of situations.
It is essential to know the difference between processed and real ham.
The mini Ritz crackers with the cheese included are the most nasty tasting things around.
You can eat yogurt after its expiration date without dying a horrible death.
Generally speaking the girls do NOT in fact come with the room.

May these words of wisdom help you in your life's journey as much as they helped me.

Dish

Dear Dish on Yams & Sweet Potatoes

2007-10-18T22:32:00.000-03:00

Dear Dish:

Is there a difference between yams and sweet potatoes? What's the deal, yo?

Sincerely,
A Puzzled Vegetable Consumer

Dear Puzzled:

The terms sweet potato and yam are often incorrectly used interchangeably. Yams and sweet potatoes are actually not even related. The yam is part of the grass or lily family, whereas the sweet potato is part of the morning glory family.

Yams are native to Africa and Asia. They have a rough brown or black skin, similar to tree bark. Sweet potatoes have a smoother, thinner skin. Sweet potatoes are more sweet and moist than yams, which have a more starchy taste.

In terms of nutrients, both are good sources of fibre and potassium; however, the sweet potato is also a good source of vitamins A and C and beta carotene.

Readers be warned. Raw yams are toxic.

Bon appétit!

Dish

Dear Dish on Livin' on a Prayer

2007-10-10T22:11:00.000-03:00

Dear Dish:

So I am an avid musician. I own a guitar which I adore and I think it will bring me somewhere someday. I mean it. I am pretty good. My girlfriend adores the guitar and she adores me. Thing is, work has been pretty lacking lately since her and I moved to Halifax. I work on the docks right now and she is looking for work right now. All she has right now is working at the Lower Deck as a bartender. My guitar playing has been bringing in some money for some time now, but it's just not enough. But there's a gentleman who is interested in it and if I sold it, it could help us pay the rent for three months! I'm just scared that my inner voice won't have the opportunity to speak if I get rid of it. What should I do?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

I know a couple who were in exactly your situation. Let’s call them Tommy and Gina. Tommy used to work on the docks but the union’s been on strike and he got down on his luck. It was tough. As for Gina, she worked the diner all day. Working for her man, she’d bring home her pay for love. The advice they were given and what I think you need to keep in mind here is to hold on to what you’ve got. It doesn’t make a difference if you make it or not. You’ve got each other and that’s a lot. For love, give it a shot.

I think you should try doing what Tommy did. He put his six-string in hock. That way, it’s not a permanent loss of your guitar. When you get back on your feet again, you can always go get it back. In the meantime, I am sure you can find other ways to express your inner voice. For example, did you know that Rogers On Demand now has free karaoke? There is even a Classic Rock category. You should definitely give that a try.

Don't worry. These things have a way of working themselves out.

Dish

Note: Click here to revisit the Livin' On a Prayer lyric analysis.

Dear Dish on Tardy Boyfriends

2007-10-09T13:36:00.000-03:00

Dear Dish:

While we're on the topic of B-Day gifts, my boyfriend's b-day is coming up a couple weeks before christmas. I want to give a gift with a message.

My BF is always late when he's picking me up to go somewhere and it drives me batty. He's not real late, around 20-30 minutes usually but just enough that it irritates me. It's always a different excuse but I think he spends too much time in the shower.

With Christmas coming up and we have a bunch of parties we have to go to so I'm thinking about buying him an alarm clock as his birthday gift. Not just a cheap alarm clock but a good one, with a dual alarm. The reason being, he can set one alarm for the time when he has to start getting ready and the second one for when he has to be out the door and to come get me. When he opens the gift, I'll obviously have to explain what it's for and when it's to be used.

Dish, is this a good idea, or should I just get him the Super Sports Package on CableTV so he can watch every hockey game and every football game played this season? (I'll just go to the Christmas parties by myself).

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

Dish truly does not think that any sort of "hint-hint" gift is the way to go in this situation. What you need to do is sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with this boyfriend of yours.

Now, Dish understands that people cannot always be on time. Sometimes unforeseeable circumstances arise. Maybe there was an accident on the highway that backed up traffic. Maybe there was a family emergency. What I am saying is that regular lateness for no good reason is unacceptable behaviour, especially given that your boyfriend is up to 30 minutes late each time.

Your boyfriend’s chronic tardiness indicates a blatant lack of courtesy and respect. By being late every time you meet, what your boyfriend is actually saying is that he feels that he and his time are more important than you and yours. He does not respect you enough to keep even a small commitment he made to you and arrive when he said he was going to.

Is he also late for a job interviews or important business meetings? Likely not. These sorts tend to arrive on time when they feel the situation warrants it. Are you any less important than his future boss or his co-workers? If this is any sort of serious relationship, you should definitely be MORE important.

Your boyfriend’s tardiness may also indicate control issues. By making you wait for him, he is exerting control over you and maintaining the power in the relationship. It is a passive-aggressive technique. If you get angry, you appear to be the one who is unreasonable, after all, he has a "good" excuse every time, right?

Now, maybe this is not an example of the overarching ideological structures of our society in action. There is a possibility that your boyfriend is just clueless and is not purposefully being discourteous and disrespectful. That is why I suggest talking to him. If you don't know where to start, try showing him this letter.

Give him a certain number of chances (maximum of three, that's all the good fairy gave Bunny Foo Foo), or, if you are feeling generous, give him a time period (maximum of one month) in which to change his ways. Let me be clear. This is NOT an opportunity for him to start inventing more elaborate excuses. This is an opportunity for him to show you what you mean to him, to change his ways and to start treating you the way you deserve to be treated.

If things don't start improving, Dish suggests you trade this lemon in for a new model. Find someone who will treat you like a princess, because all girls are princesses.

Fight the power.
Dish