Dear Dish on Baby Droppage
Dear Dish,
People are constantly dropping things. Like toast. Hopefully it falls jam side up so you can brush it off and pretend like nothing ever happened. Sometimes people even drop themselves down the stairs. But this letter isn't about the perils of not holding onto the railing.
But you know what people never drop? Babies. They're carried over cement, carpet, down the stairs, and into the workplace to be coddled by strangers (who get annoyed when the questions of "who's next?" comes up and people start picking names). But this isn't about such resentment.
Dish, my question for you is, why do people never drop babies? We drop everything else in this world.
Sincerely,
Someone who has probably never dropped a baby, but wouldn't tell you the truth either way.
Dear Someone:
Nothing is more tragic than a piece of toast that falls jam down. Not only do you run the risk of getting unwanted dirt and dust stuck onto your lovely breakfast, but you also then have to mop the floor or else continue to have your feet stick to the spot where the jam fell for days to come, cursing the sticky spot each and every time.
The truth is that people do drop babies, but it's all a well-kept secret. Of course if you are a guest baby-holder (i.e. a non-parent), you will be doing your utmost not to drop the baby so you won't be blamed for the baby's learning difficulties later in life.
Parents will also always be extra careful with their babies while in public. No parent wants someone to witness them dropping their baby, because do you know what would happen then? They would be considered "unfit". No one wants that label. It will follow you "like a man possessed", "like a pawn on the eternal board", or "like a smirking ghost" (bonus points for identifying the sources of these similes). I mean just look at Michael Jackson. All he did was dangle his baby over a balcony. He didn't even drop it! And poor Brittney. Think of how she has suffered, and all over a few minor incidents like driving with her baby in her lap instead of a car seat, failing to wear underpants and partying all night. Two of those acts are not even baby-related, for Pete's sake.
It all just goes to show that you can never be too careful when babies are involved. You have to look good in the public eye. That is why when people at work ask you if you are going to be the next to have a baby, you spit on them for asking rude, inappropriate questions and walk away.
Hope this helps.
Dish
posted by Dish @ 5:25 PM
3 Comments:
"Like a man possessed/there's a traitor here beneath my breast/and it hurts me more than you ever guessed/if my heart could beat/it would break my chest/but I can see/you're unimpressed..."
I got it!
Rienne...
Very impressive. I knew I could count on you for that one.
I always wondered if it was okay to spit at them. But if you say it's okay, Dish, then I know it's okay.
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