Dear Dish on Table Manners
Dear Dish:
I have this friend who is very dear to me, but what I can't stand is when they slurp up spaghetti like they are a dog. They just put the noodles in their mouth and go to town with a slurping sound and the pasta sauce sometimes splashes over to my side of the table. How do I stop this madness?
Name withheld
Dear Reader:
Was your friend raised in a barn? Obviously he (I will assume this friend is male because generally speaking most women know better) does not know even basic table manners. The only thing that can be done in this situation is to tell your friend about his or her abominable table manners. Trust me. You will be doing both your friend and yourself a favour. Your friend will then be able to show his face in public instead of hiding in embarrassment for being the slovenly pig that he is and you will be able to enjoy your meal in peace.
There are differing schools of thought on the right way to eat spaghetti. In some circles, it is appropriate to guide the twirling of the noodles with a spoon. Apparently in Italy such a concept is outrageous and unheard of. You may want to suggest that your friend cut the noodles a little before eating them. He should guide any hanging noodles to his mouth with a fork. HE MUST NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES SLURP THE NOODLES!
If you are too shy to broach this topic with your friend, try showing him this column. If his behaviour does not change, you might want to try telling him that no girl will want to go out with him if he continues his disgusting behaviour. Or, alternatively, you may want to only cook short noodles that don't involve twirling and cannot be slurped, such as rotini or penne. Finally, if all else fails, I suggest you begin wearing a special eating shirt to the table to protect your clothing, and possibly even a pair of goggles to protect your eyes from flying sauce. After all, nothing is more precious than your eyesight.
Good luck!
Dish
posted by Dish @ 5:12 PM
5 Comments:
Don't forget the classic Ann Landers advice of suggesting that they visit their local clergyman or counsellor.
Dear Dishing with the Trish:
I've been very impressed with the advice you've been providing. I've read it over several times and somtimes can pick up messages about conspiracies that you talk about between the lines.
So my question for you is: what did you write in your high school yearbook?
OMG. These are great. I am loving this new part of your blog.
Keep em coming!
Ditto! I'm loving the Dear Dish letters. I had tears running down my face from laughing.
Keep the questions coming and I will keep answering them. :o)
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