u The Main Dish: August 2008

The Main Dish

Looking for the Spoon...

Monday, August 25, 2008

Dear Dish on Internet Theft

Dear Dish:

Is it okay to steal a neighbour's unsecured Internet signal? To provide context, it's not for any illegal activity or downloads that may slow it up. What if I just borrow and not steal it per se. It's somewhat intangible, much like the ethers or vapors. And I don't know what either of those things are. Basically, the Internet just falls from the sky and travels through the air like the wind while dancing on glittery pink clouds.

What is the nature of morality? Will man's future be determined by "Did you steal that Internet signal?" versus "Did you steal that banana protector or hot dog thermos?"

Sincerely,
A Moral Contender

P.S. - Why is Internet capitalized? Seems like a cruel joke to me.

Dear Contender:

Your glittery description of the Internet does nothing to change the facts in this case. Didn't you learn anything from the Simpsons episode where Homer decides to steal cable?! The pamphlet, So You've Decided to Steal Cable, did have some compelling arguments such as the following:

Myth: Cable piracy is wrong.
Fact: Cable companies are big faceless corporations,
which makes it okay.

However, in the end even Homer decided that stealing was wrong. Are you going to ignore a moral lesson taught to you by the Simpsons?! Tsk. Tsk.

For more information on this topic, please refer to a reply Dish gave to another reader about honesty issues.

With regard to your question about the capitalization of Internet, most style guides agree that Internet is a proper noun since it is a one-of-a-kind item and must therefore be capitalized.

Dish

posted by Dish @ 8:36 PM 3 comments

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Dear Dish on Usurpers

Dear Dish:

I crave more adventure in my life. I live on a boring street. Consequently, I think I should move to a street with an interesting name, like Pineapple Street. Anywhere outside of Hawaii would find this unusual.

Then I could be like, "Hello, my name is Dish and I live on Pineapple Street."

What do you think?

Sincerely,
A Wanderer

P.S. Do you ever write letters to yourself and then answer them?

Dear Wanderer:

Personally, Dish has always wanted to live on Jubilee Road or Bliss Street in Halifax, just because it sounds like people who live there are destined to be happy. If you are looking for an interesting place to live in O-town, why not try Eden Avenue (bound to be paradisiacal), Paul Anka Drive, or possibly even Patricia Avenue (how could you possibly go wrong there!).

Please note that Dish has better things to do with her time than to write questions to herself and answer them. She is merely here to help those who can't help themselves - a help the helpless or hopeless type of scenario, if you will.

Most importantly, before you go all Single White Female, just remember that identity theft is a crime. Dish does not appreciate readers trying to impersonate her or usurp her life in a futile attempt to fill a void in their own lives.

So back off. I have stilettos and menions.
Dish

posted by Dish @ 8:20 PM 2 comments

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Dear Dish on Cotton Swabs

Dear Consumer Advocate Dish:

I purchased 400 "no-name" brand Q-tips. Previously, I enjoyed the expensive cotton-y goodness of Q-tip brand Q-tips.

I'm unsatisfied with my cheap Q-tip knock-offs. They just don't have the same volume-filled pile of cotton. They're cheap on the cotton front. Cheap, I say!

What should I do? Throw them out and start anew with expensive designer-brand Q-tips? Or tough it out with each sub-standard Q-tip screaming "I don't care enough about you to have enough cotton on my tip?" Is this a self-esteem issue?

Sincerely,
A Cotton Consumer

Dear CC:

What Dish really wants to know is: What are you using these Q-tips for? The answer to that question had better not be ear cleaning. Everyone knows that Q-tips should never be used to clean your ears since you may cause infection, perforate your ear drum or push wax so far into your ear canal that you have to get your doctor remove it. You definitely want to avoid any of these scenarios, particularly if you are having as much trouble finding a doctor as Dish did. Washing the outside of your ear with a washcloth should be sufficient.

That being said, faux Q-tips are actually far more effective for things like make-up application since their lack of cotton makes them more precise and does not leave any cottony residue in places where you don’t want it.

Whatever you do, do not throw out the faux Q-tips. This would not be environmentally responsible. Now, this may come as a shock to you but, since Q-tips (faux or real) are unable to scream, the taunting voices that you hear when using them are actually all in your mind. So, either suck it up and use the faux Q-tips (for non-ear-related purposes only) or give them away to someone who will. One way to find just such a person is to post an ad on craigslist or kijiji.

Dish

posted by Dish @ 4:13 PM 1 comments