Another Late Dish for a Day Entry
Our good friend Dr. Bob is back with more advice than ever. Dish means it. This is a long one. Get ready for it. Here is his response to the Dish for a Day question.Dear Reader,
The secret that Dish has harboured for the past few years is that she is a redundant advice giver when it comes to simple questions such as 'mistletoe etiquette'. A simple Google search should find the answers we need. Here, let me google that for you. Click on the link provided. No, really. Click on it.
http://letmegooglethatforyou.com/?q=mistletoe+etiquette
Don't you love that? It's a hilarious feature of Google that shows you how simple it is to Google things! Now, if you still haven't clicked the link, just please do so.
Let's see what is the first link in the Google results. Now this is interesting...it's a link that leads to an actual article about mistletoe tips. Now, why wouldn't the actual article be the #1 hit on Google? Very strange. Perhaps there are pictures of what happens after a little too much eggnog as well as some fun under the mistletoe (and we aren't talking about laying an airkiss on the individual. We are talking full lip contact here people.)
Wow, this article is not just an article, it's a manifesto. Look at the name! The Clarisonic Mistletoe Manifesto.
That is superb. Every good advice should be name a Manifesto. In fact, Dish should not be giving out advice, it should become a manifesto. At this point, we all know that this response is not even written as Dish would write it as it has crude imagery, mild ranting and no help whatsoever other than pointing out the obvious to you, that Dish is redundant in terms of a question such as the etiquette of mistletoe. It is clearly Doctor Robert coming to the rescue with a response that will not only entertain you, but also wish you were me. Or at least with me. Ladies, I'm a taken man by Nurse Shazam. Hands off. But I digress. Let's get back to the Mistletoe Manifesto with a grand commentary. Have you read the Manifesto yet which is found via a link through the first Google result? Do so. It's quite an entertaining read. In fact, use my commentary track below while reading it. Think of it as a Director's commentary on a DVD.
Office Kissing: Ill advised? What the heck. There are some hot people out there in the office (Dish being one of them) and we all know everyone loves a kiss after some eggnog. Or a quart of it.
Hey, wait a second, there's mention of the 'air kiss' here! Dish's Mom may have been cribbing from this Manifesto and for that I applaud her. Not only did she do the smart thing and perform some Googlized research, but she twisted other's knowledge into her own smart, witty reply. I can only imagine what Dish's mother must be like considering her daughter is also witty and beautiful. But I digress.
Sharing a kiss with a lover: The Full Lip Lock Kiss? Does this allow for some tongue? We are living in the year 2008 here. I would think that tongue is somewhat acceptable nowadays.
Encountering a relative: I must admit that this is some pretty ridiculous advice if you are under the age of twenty. There's no way that a teenager would want to plant their lips on their cousin's cheek, unless they are George Michael from Arrested Development. Ick. But over twenty years of age, it's a given that it's alright to throw a cheek kiss into the mix with family. For those interacting with Francophones out there during the holidays, don't forget that both cheeks need to be kissed and technically, you're not supposed to actually kiss the cheek with your lips. It's some weird thing where you only touch each others cheek with your cheek. Odd. If you actually kiss one cheek with the lips, it's hard to navigate to the other side without making a stopover at their lips. Which isn't a bad thing in most cases because the French sont très belle. That's French for "Dang, she's hot."
Just Friends: What is this 'corner to corner kiss' they talk about? Honey, if you're on the periphery of their lips, that's just a tease. May as well go for the gold and get it over with. Plus, you may give what your friend what they want during this Festive season. Secretly of course. There's a theory that every friend has the hots for you. This is a true theory and whoever doesn't believe is clearly quite ugly. But I digress.
Meeting the Neighbours: What the heck, they only deserve a handshake? That is ridiculous. So you're allowed to kiss your cousin on the cheek, but you can't give your neighbour a little loving? This neighbour probably shovels your driveway at least once in a winter! This person deserves a case of beer and a good kiss on the cheek at the very least. But we all know that the cheek kiss just isn't enough and chances are, you've definitely had your eye on the hot neighbour before, so lay one on them for the sake of being Festive. That's the beauty of the holidays...you can get away with a full blown lip lock (with post Y2K tongue action) and no one will hold it against you. Granted, you may not see mistletoe at the party ever again. But I digress.
Can I point out that that they have an excellent handshaking tip in that you should always have your drink in your left hand? Well done Manifesto writer. You're thinking outside the box for all eventualities.
Meeting a stranger: Ok, well this one is very strange. So you can give your neighbour a handshake, but you can give a complete stranger an air kiss? Isn't the air kiss a little more risqué than a handshake? I really don't understand this Manifesto. I don't think they have actually been to a party with mistletoe. Which is definitely commonplace nowadays. In fact, where can you even buy mistletoe? Or the better question is, can anyone born past 1975 even identify mistletoe in a lineup? I think not. They would probably think poison ivy was mistletoe.
So there you have it. That is how you find the answer to your question without bothering the Dish with a simple question. Read that last point again: You do not need Dish for trivial questions such as 'what is mistletoe etiquette'? This is not to say that Dish is not useful. Quite the contrary. But she should be reserved for complex questions that have many factors in it. For example, here's one that Google can't figure out for you.
Dear Dish,
Let's say I'm at a party and there's a girl I really like and she is standing at the mistletoe giving me 'these eyes'. You know, the ones that The Guess Who speak of. The thing is, you have a few things going through your mind right then and there. One: You need to go to the washroom. Two: You have a gabber talking your ear off. The conversation is quite funny and he is a good friend, but at the same time, you need to get away because Three: You need to mix yourself another drink and Four: Oh look, someone put out candy canes out on the Jason Voorhees's machete. Jason is on the table (as a statue mind you, he is not really there in person.)
Now the thing is, this statue is all sorts of awesome. I mean, it's got some amazing detail. You wonder who gets the job of sculpting this creature's face. But then you start thinking of the girl's face who is standing under the mistletoe. She even has a cute Santa hat on. That's super-hot and I am feeling a disturbance in the Force because of her. It's like Pee-Wee is leaving the playhouse or something. Or maybe Ricky Martin has gone back inside the DeLorean and removed his music CDs from existence which somehow results in the starting of World Peace (surprisingly having Richard Simmons become the President of the USA who won on a platform of good fitness. What the heck? This is like a Bizarro version of the world as we know it. In fact, there really are Wookies roaming around! What is this? Planet of the Apes? But I digress.)
So my question is, is it wrong to think of Jason Voorhees and then to automatically think of this girl? Isn't that a strange connection? Should I stay away from this girl considering if I do end up liking her, I may also start having strange thoughts as soon as she reaches for the knife in the kitchen?
Google can't answer that one for you people. Only the Dish can. With her wit, charm, and beautiful smile.
Merry Christmas to all.
Doctor Robert
Dish would like to point out that she made the first question one that was easy to google on purpose to build confidence among participants. The second and third questions were the ones that showed whether readers could think on their feet or not. Interestingly enough, Dr. Bob did not even attempt to answer those questions. However, in the spirit of the holidays, Dish is willing to overlook this omission, as well as the fact that Dr. Bob actually called her redundant, particularly because Dr. Bob is quite free with his flattery of Dish.
Dish and Dr. Bob = Friends Forever. :o)
posted by Dish @ 10:28 PM
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