u The Main Dish: June 2008

The Main Dish

Looking for the Spoon...

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Another Poll

Recently Dish has been accused of being "crazy" because she has a soundtrack of the mind, meaning random events, statements or thoughts can cause different songs to pop into her head at any given moment.

Dish is of the opinion that is is strange NOT to have a soundtrack of the mind. It's like living a life without music. What say you faithful readers? (Yes lurkers, this means you too!)

Dish

posted by Dish @ 5:35 PM 5 comments

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Dear Dish on an Ode to Aaron

Dear (Dish):

I see you go by a lot of different names: Dishmon, Dishère, Dishé, Dishola, Dishie, etc.

Which is preferable to you? And what is the entomological source of your name?

Cheerio, An Avid Namer



Dear Avid:

I will assume you meant etymology and are not comparing Dish to an insect. ;o) Truly, Dish is accepting of any of these variations since the use of a nickname generally tends to be a sign of love and affection, possibly even adoration in some cases.

The name Dish begins with a boy named Aaron from Spud Island. Dish first met him way back in the day when, because of a foolish boy*, Dish found herself in an unfortunate camping predicament. Dish was far from home and the boy in question refused to let her sleep in the tent with him and the rest of her friends because of an awkward situation of his own making. Since he owned the tent, Dish did not have much of a say in the matter. Luckily, Jennie Pink-eye took Dish's side in this story and roamed the open fields of Rollo Bay with her until the wee hours of the morning.

Enter Aaron, stage left (or possibly camp site left). He was camping with the brother of one of Dish's friends and gallantly saved the day by giving Dish and Jennie Pink-eye his tent for the night with no thought for his own comfort and safety. Little Dish was truly impressed and moved by this grand display of chivalry.

Dish's and Aaron's paths crossed again when Dish moved to Ottawa. Again the chivalrous Aaron, this time accompanied by Handsome Pete (another knight in shining armour to Dish), adopted the lonely Dish as their very own younger sister when she didn't know a soul in the city.

It was at the time of this chance friendship renewal that the name Dish came about. Aaron loves a good nickname and it took awhile to finally hit upon just the right one. For awhile Dish was called Hollywood Trish after we watched The Rookie with Dennis Quaid and Aaron felt that Dish looked like Dennis' co-star, Rachel Griffiths. Now of course this name just couldn't stick because there is really not much point in a nickname that is longer than your actual name. Hollywood Trish gradually transformed into Trish the Dish, which finally gave way to just Dish, the girl you now know and love.

Many thanks go out to Aaron, without whom the name (and therefore the advice column) may never have come to be.

* The foolish boy in this story eventually came to his senses and repented of his evil ways. He and Dish are now good friends once more.

posted by Dish @ 11:00 PM 4 comments

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Dear Dish on Elevator Etiquette

Dear Dish:

I have a pet peeve. It drives me crazy when someone walks into an elevator, presses the button, and then stands right in front of the buttons thereby preventing future passengers from adequately reaching said buttons when they walk into the elevator.

Is this normal? Am I being unreasonable?

Sincerely,
Someone Envisioning a Sparkling Calm Blue Ocean

Dear Imaginative:

When boarding an elevator: Enter, push the button for your floor and then move as far back into the elevator as you can. Stand near a wall if you can and be sure to avoid invading the personal space of others as much as possible.

If you are getting off at one of the lower floors, it is better to stand near the front of the elevator than to inconvenience a lot of people by pushing them or using other techniques to force them to move out of your way when you have to get off. Stand to the side of the elevator near the front and try not to block the buttons.

Get your lazy arse off the elevator and take the stairs if you are going up only one or two floors and you do not meet one of the following exceptions:

1) You have a disability.
2) You are pushing a cart of some sort or a stroller.
3) You are carrying something heavy or awkward.
If you meet exception #2 and the cart-like vehicle you are pushing is large, you should seriously consider using the freight elevator if one is available. That's what it is there for.

Although people who block the elevator buttons can be as irritating as Joanie Mitchell singing Big Yellow Taxi, all is not lost. It is perfectly acceptable elevator etiquette to politely ask said button blocker to push the button for your floor. This is far more polite than entering the button blocker's personal space to try to push the button yourself. Just because some people do not have any manners, does not mean that you should join their ranks. Besides, if enough people start asking these button blockers to push the button for their floor, maybe they will get the hint and start to be more polite about their elevator usage.

If you have a particular elevator-etiquette offender in mind, perhaps giving them a copy of this column will both help them to understand how their behaviour affects others and to alleviate your stress.

Good luck.
Dish

posted by Dish @ 8:10 PM 4 comments

Dear Dish on Being Uppity

Dear Dishé:

Why does it always feel depressing to go into used book stores?

I mean, how many copies of Unidentified Flying Outrage can one society handle? We can see all of the conspiracy theories of yesteryear culminating in one big crappy crap hole. I believe they call this the science fiction section. Or perhaps occult, I'm unsure.

And the old outdated university studies section! Don't even get me started. Am I a snob to prefer the pristine, new, colourful books? As if, perhaps, the knowledged contained within them is more vital and soul-infusing because of the sleek marketing job on their covers?

Sincerely,
A gold reader

Dear 14 Karat:

Dish generally tries her best to be diplomatic in her responses but, to quote Cher from Clueless, "You are a snob and a half." Dish also finds your view of the science fiction genre stereotypical and unacceptable.

By way of punishment, Dish feels you should be forced to read Couplehood by Paul Reiser, which can be found in mass quantity at any used book store.

Dish

posted by Dish @ 8:00 PM 1 comments

Dear Dish on Advice-Column-Related Joy

Dear Dish:

Why do I derive so much joy out of reading your advice column?

Sincerely,
A Loyal Reader

Dear Loyal:

Is this a rhetorical question? Does Dish really need to indulge in self-flattery? She thought her witty charm was self-explanatory.

posted by Dish @ 7:54 PM 0 comments

Monday, June 09, 2008

A Poll on Manners

Dish is of the opinion that clipping one's fingernails in a public place (i.e. one's cubicle at work) is just bad manners, pure and simple. Some disagree (Dish won't name names to protect the not-so-innocent). Feel free to voice your opinion in the comments section. Do you agree with Dish? Why or why not?

posted by Dish @ 6:55 PM 5 comments

Say It Ain't So

KFC and I have always had a love/hate relationship. Now, I thought things were going off the rails a bit when the Board members decided to build the giant replica of the Colonel in the desert, but this time they've really gone too far.

According to this article in the Globe and Mail, KFC has recently decided to introduce vegan menu options, including some sort of nasty faux chicken they call "Chick'n" or unchicken. Now, does anyone out there honestly believe that a person who would embrace a vegan lifestyle would actually be interested in going to KFC for "Chick'n"?

I protest this lame attempt to appease the masses. What about all the real KFC fans who devotedly eat the artery-clogging chicken and keep going back for more time and time again despite the repeated incidents of food poisoning from the rancid fat? What about the fans who love their deep fried chicken so much that they embark upon crazy endeavours to deep fry their own poultry? For them, this faux chicken is a slap in the face.

And who does Dish blame? She blames Pamela Anderson and her big...mouth. Pammy should be forced to publicly eat and enjoy the unchicken. If she can't do it with a smile on her botoxed lips, KFC should renege on its promise to deliver unchicken.

The Colonel must be spinning in his grave. Mark my words. This unchicken will go uneaten. No one ever likes the kid who conforms just to be popular. You have to be true to who you are. Fried chicken is never going to be vegan friendly. It's not even nutritious for the carnivores among us for heaven's sake! And that's the way Dish likes it.

posted by Dish @ 6:47 PM 4 comments

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Dear Dish on Movie Rentals

Dear Dishère:

I rented two videos from Blockbuster. They cost an approximately astounding $14, but I didn't find time to watch them. Even with the no late fees business, I still didn't find the time. Avast ye!

So I had to return the videos unwatched.

How can I right this wrong?

Sincerely,
A Cinephile (not to be confused with any of the bad type of 'philes)

Dear Cinephile:

It is true. Generally, when we think of words that end with -phile, we think of the negative ones, such as pedophile, necrophile or ornithophile. Please rest assured that plenty of other words that do not have such negative connotations end in -phile, particularly in the field of science. No one is judging you for being a cinephile.

Dish feels that Blockbuster’s no late fees strategy is merely a marketing ploy. The Blockbuster Web site even clearly states that "movie and game rentals are still due back by the due dates shown on your receipt." They give you a few days of leeway, but then they charge your credit card for the complete cost of the movie. If you return the movie after that, they will remove the charge from your card, but you will still be charged a restocking fee of $1.75 – in other words, a late fee!

Dish's disagreement with Blockbuster aside, unfortunately, in this case, you are a victim of your own procrastination. In order to avoid this type of movie-related dilemma in the future, Dish suggests you try an "on demand" type station. That way, you can just select the movie you want to watch, when you want to watch it. It is far more convenient in that you don’t have to go to the video store to pick up the movie or to return it. Granted, you have to content yourself with what is available on the station but, generally speaking, these channels tend to have new releases similar to what you would find in the video store. Plus, if you use Rogers, there is even a free karaoke feature! [Side note: You haven’t heard real karaoke until you’ve heard Jennie do her impression of Cher.]

Alternatively, you could also try something like zip.ca where you pay a monthly fee based on the number of movies you want to rent and they mail you the DVDs you want. You can keep them as long as you like and then mail them back when you have finished watching them.

In this case, consider the $14 money well spent on a lesson that needed to be learned. Rent movies only when you are prepared to devote the time to watching them, or devise an alternative strategy.

Please try to be more conscientious in the future.

Dish

posted by Dish @ 9:24 PM 5 comments