The Main Dish: May 2008

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Dear Dish on the Necessity of Good Grammar

Dear Dish:

Why do you always point out redundancies in your writers' writing? It makes us feel inadequate. In fact, I took three weeks just to write this letter because I'm scared of the grammar. I think my hair's starting to fall out. What can I do? Can I aspire to be as good as you?

Clean grammar, clean soul, as they say.

Sincerely,
A Grammar Flunky

Dear Flunky:

There is absolutely nothing stopping you from aspiring to be like Dish.

Dish promotes good grammar in an effort to prevent society from falling any further than it already has. Dish once wrote to a company regarding a concern she had about its product. In the official business reply, the writer referred to Dish as "u" without the "yo". And thus began Dish's crusade for the use of proper grammar. "U" without the "yo" may be perfectly acceptable in a text message or in the title of a Sinéad O'Connor song, but it is definitely not acceptable in business correspondence. Something must be done! Dish is not going to take bad grammar lying down. She is going to fight!

As for your hair woes, Dish suggests a hair replacement system or possibly a hair transplant. Or, if you're pinching pennies, you could always try a wig or even just a stylish hat. Dish knows a gentlewoman who definitely knows how to pick a hat. Rumour has it that Gus Johnson is also a hat lover; however, he's far less forthcoming with helpful hat-related information.

In any case, the best way to beat this is to devise a strategy. It's never too soon to start planning to prevent baldness.

Dish

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Stupid Airlines

I recently sent an email to WestJet.

Dish said:

I am wondering why I can book a round-trip ticket from Ottawa to Charlottetown, but I can't book a one-way ticket from Charlottetown to Ottawa.

WestJet responded:

Thank you for taking the time to contact WestJet. Hearing from you is important to us and I apologize for the delay of our response.

Currently, our guests can book flights from Ottawa to Charlottetown only, we do not offer return flights on this route at this time unfortunately.

As we add more aircraft to our fleet and WestJetters to our family we are always looking for ways to improve the service we offer. Knowing that you and possibly other guests would like to see service from Charlottetown to Ottawa helps us as we grow and strive to provide convenient service throughout our network.

Please bear in mind the addition of new flights to our route network is affected by the rate at which we add new aircraft to our fleet, public demand and more. I have shared your comments with our Marketing and Scheduling teams for their input when they are considering adjustments to our schedule.

Thank you for thinking of WestJet Trish, we hope to welcome you aboard an enjoyable and convenient flight with us before long.

Now, not only did it take them 20 days to even get back to me, by which point I had already booked with another airline, but they did not even provide a satisfactory response. According to their brilliant marketing, I can fly from Ottawa to Charlottetown and back or I can fly one-way from Ottawa to Charlottetown, but it is somehow impossible for me to fly from Charlottetown to Ottawa.

Now, clearly they have planes going from Charlottetown to Ottawa, otherwise how would the people who booked the round-trip tickets get back to Ottawa? And clearly there must be availability on their flights sometimes since people are allowed to book one-way tickets and theoretically those seats would be empty on the way back. Am I missing something in the logic here?

In any case, Dish is one unimpressed WestJet customer (well, except for the fact that I have never actually flown with WestJet because of these difficulties so I guess I am an unimpressed non-WestJet customer).

In an attempt to be the bigger person in this situation, I will refrain from pointing out all the grammatical errors in their reply. :o)

Dear Dish on Cookies and Butter

Dear Dish:

What is your recipe for chocolate chip cookies? I previously came about it through a third party, and had to pay many a dollar for it.

However, now the recipe has disappeared. Rather than hole up in my room and concoct conspiracy theories as to where it went (I suspect the mob),I thought the most sensical thing to do was to ask you for it again.

I've been advised in the past to accept no subsitutes on the butter front for these cookies. And I wasn't disappointed.

Sincerely,
A Baker by Night

P.S. - Do not delay! The butter in my fridge will go rancid shortly. Also, how long does butter last before it expires, anyway?

Dear BBN:

Dish suspects she knows the not-so-innocent third party to whom you are referring and is quite distraught to hear that others are profiting from her special recipe. Nevertheless, since it appears the secret is out, I will be generous and provide you with the information you seek for a limited time only. This is THE cookie recipe. Dish has won many a heart with these babies.

Chocolate Chip Cookies à la Dish

2 cups plus 4 tbsp of flour
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup of butter (you can also use margarine)
2/3 cup plus 2 tbsp white sugar
2/3 cup plus 2 tbsp brown sugar
2 tsp vanilla
2 eggs
1 pkg semi-sweet chocolate chips

Sift the flour, soda and salt. In a separate bowl, cream the butter, sugars and vanilla until light and fluffy; beat in the eggs. Mix in the dry ingredients. Stir in chocolate chips. Bake at 350ºF for 10 minutes on ungreased cookie sheets.

As for your question about how long butter will last, the easiest thing to do is to check the Best Before Date on the package. However, if you prefer to do things the hard way, here are some general rules: If kept in the fridge, butter will be at its best for about three weeks, although generally speaking, you can usually keep it around for quite a bit longer than that. If it has gone rancid, you will know it. The smell and taste will be unpleasant. To extend your butter's life and prevent other fridge odours from infecting it, keep it in the foil wrapper. As a general rule and for obvious reasons, salted butter lasts longer than unsalted.

Happy baking!
Dish

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Dear Dish on Compendia

Dear Dishski:

In today's Internet-ravaged society, we often forget about the pleasures of a good book - a tome of information, if you will.

When will be see the publishment of Dish's Abridged Common Sense Compendium for Daily Life?

If there's one thing that society likes, it's the peering into the vast soul of other people and seeing what toils within, particularly in an anonymous fashion. For this, I blame reality TV shows. But anyway, back to my question above (insert little upward arrow here).

Sincerely,
A Reader of Compendiums

P.S. - Do you know how to insert little upward arrows? I can do all these: ß Ø A n, but no upward arrow!

Dear Reader:

Dish does not have any plans in the works for a book at this time. It has always been a dream but, with her busy schedule, Dish just doesn't have the time to devote to such an endeavour right now. However, she might be willing to embrace such an undertaking if you were to persuade Oprah to promote the book on her show. That would guarantee that millions of copies would be sold and make the work worthwhile.

As a side note: One of the definitions of a compendium is an abridgement. Consequently, it would be redundant to refer to the book as an abridged compendium.

Side note #2: Alt 24 is the key code for the up arrow (↑), Alt 25 is the code for the down arrow (↓), Alt 26 is the right-facing arrow (→) and Alt 27 is the left-facing arrow (←). You may now point in whatever direction you wish unless you want to point in a diagonal direction, in which case you are on your own.

Dish

Friday, May 16, 2008

Dear Dish on Drinks Made of Crushed Iced

Dish Dishmon:

Back in my youth, I enjoyed surgary drinks purchased from convenience stores with crushed ice in them — Slurpees I called them.

However, it's my understanding that they go by many different names: Slushes, frosters, brain freezers, etc., blah, blah, blah.

This brings up the question of what is the universally correct name for these frozen beverages?

If I met a stranger on the street, and I didn't know them, and I wanted to go get a drink, what would I say? "Hey! Lets go get a ________."

I need to bridge the gap between cultures, regions, religions and convenience stores! Help me out!

Sincerely,

A Slurpee Drinker

Dear Drinker:

First of all, it is redundant to describe a stranger as someone that you don't know. By definition, a stranger is a person one does not know, unless of course you abide by that crazy theory that a stranger is just a friend you've haven't met, which Dish does not.

Second, didn't your mother ever teach you not to talk to strangers? It is dangerous to be going up to people you don't know on the street and asking them to accompany you to do anything, the drinking of frozen beverages included. This gives people the wrong idea. Safety first! Did Dish honestly do that whole Safety Every Day series for nothing?!

Now, on to the real topic at hand...Although "Slurpee" may be your term of choice, it is definitely not universal. In fact, Slurpee is merely the registered trademark of 7-11. Dish, for one, has never used the term "Slurpee". This may have something to do with the fact that all of the 7-11 stores on PEI turned into Green Gables Convenience stores at some point in her early childhood.

According to the Canadian Oxford, the correct term in North America for a confection consisting of flavoured slushy ice is "slush." Dish herself prefers to add the "y" and call it a slushy to make it sound more appealing. When Dish thinks of slush, she thinks of the nasty melty snow all filled with dirt found on the streets and sidewalks in the winter.

Another acceptable term is "Squishy." I mean really, you would have to be living under a rock if you have never seen the Simpsons episode where Bart and Milhouse order the Super Squishy made entirely of syrup and go on a Squishy bender. This episode brings us key quotes such as the following:

Homer (after Bart joins the Junior Campers while on a Squishy high and is looking for an out): Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals...except the weasels.

Principal Skinner (after Milhouse gets a dirty word shaved into his hair while on a Squishy high): I'm going to shave you bald, young man, until you learn that hair is not a right: it's a privilege!

Hope your summer is Squishy-licious. Try the purple Kool-Aid slushy at the Cineplex in South Keys. Mmmmm...

Dish

Monday, May 05, 2008

Dear Dish on Finding "THE ONE"

Dear Dish:

I love your column and I pass it to my friends every time it is updated!

Now on to the actual question. I read your comments about creating an online dating profile. Do you feel that in the end of it all dating is not about trying to impress someone, but just about being yourself and if it clicks, it clicks?

Is dating all about playing the law of averages (the more people you date, the more chance you have of actually meeting someone who is compatible) or is it about impressing someone with your knowledge of obscure 80s cartoons and the many varieties of sausage that are available in hopes that you will woo them?

Sincerely,
Searching for Mrs. Right

Dear Searching:

Clearly, dating is a little bit of all of those things. It has to click, but you should also try to impress at least a little, especially at first. Women like to be wowed. As Dish has said before, if you are displaying all your flaws right at the beginning, it will turn the woman off. However, if she learns to like you and then finds out about your flaws, she will be more willing to accept them. Besides, if we have learned anything from Judge Judy, it's that most women will and do settle. That means it shouldn't be too hard for any guy to find a woman to be with. ;o)

Dish is also a firm believer in the plenty of fish in the sea philosophy, although, she doesn’t necessarily believe that plentyoffish.com is the place to find those fish (Gus Johnson being the exception to the rule of course. Dish is totally wowed by his profile.). The more you put yourself out there, the more chance you have of meeting that lovely lady that you have something in common with and that you can envision being saddled with for the rest of your days. Remember, anyone who is not impressed by a knowledge of obscure 80s cartoons is not worth dating. And when you meet a woman who owns all the Star Trek TNG dvds, you’ve met the only other perfect woman out there besides Dish herself.

Happy hunting.
Dish

Dear Dish on Building an Empire

Dear Dish:

Are you building a vast empire, Tyra style? Cookbooks, make-up, Dish tattooes, common sense day calendars, etc.

I didn't know that your high quality cookery skills extended beyond insta-wieners and delicious chocolate chip cookies.

Don't be bashful, though. You must market your creations too! Let it ring throughout the land!

http://www.amazon.ca/gp/product/000200772X/ref=pe_26910_9071740_as_img_7/
Sincerely,
In Awe

Dear In Awe:

Clearly, the Dish in quesion here is a complete fraud. The real Dish is disgusted by this imposter's thinly veiled attempt to profit from her popularity. Do not fall victim to this scam!

The one and only
Dish

Friday, May 02, 2008

Dear Dish on Judge Judy

Dear Dishie:

What is your view on Judge Judy? Is she a prudent advice-woman, just like you? Or a menace to society? Or a quick fix in our instant oatmeal world?

How do Judge Judy's books compare to Dr. Laura's seminal work Ten Stupid Things Women do to Mess Up Their Lives?

Sincerely,
A Ponderer

Dear P:

Quite frankly, Dish feels that Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives should be renamed since there is really only one stupid thing women do to mess up their lives: Men. Dr. Laura does have some good ideas and says things that a lot of women probably need to hear. She's got some common sense. However, the fact remains that she is basically saying the same thing over and over in a different way. I guess it probably sells more books when you have a list of stupid things as opposed to just one major stupid thing, but really, she is just saying that anything women do for or about men is stupid.

Judge Judy and Dr. Laura actually agree to some degree. They are both firm believers in the fact that women tend not to choose their mates, but rather allow themselves to be chosen. They stay in bad relationships and defer to men because they have poor self-esteem and doubt their worthiness to be in healthy and fulfilling relationships. There are many women out there who fall into this category.

However, generally speaking, Dish is not a huge fan of Judge Judy. There is no doubt she has been successful in life, but Dish finds her methods of sharing her wisdom abrasive. Also, after reading Beauty Fades, Dumb Is Forever: The Making of a Happy Woman, Dish has come to the conclusion that Judge Judy has some major issues with men and has passive-aggressive tendencies.

For example, Judge Judy tells the story of how her husband would always leave one torn, half-glued sheet of toilet paper on the roll and if she said anything to him about it, he would protest that there was still toilet paper left on the roll. She then goes on to say that the next time this happened, she left the roll with the one puny sheet on it and hid the rest of the toilet paper where her husband could not find it. She watched as her husband looked in vain for more toilet paper, but didn't say a word to help him. Finally the husband broke down and asked her for toilet paper. What was her response? "There's still toilet paper on the roll, honey." And yet she advocates good communication skills? Seems a little bit contradictory to me.

Also, Dish feels she just cannot condone a book that has a comma splice in the title. We all know how Dish hates comma splices. There are gramatically correct alternatives. Dish suggests Beauty Fades but Dumb is Forever: The Making of a Happy Woman.

Also, so the male contigent doesn't feel left out, Dr. Laura does have a book called Ten Stupid Things Men Do to Mess Up Their Lives.

Happy reading,
Dish

The Main Dish