The Main Dish: October 2007

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Dear Dish on Mullets

Dear Dish:

You know what? The prevalence of mullets has been increasing at an alarming rate. Some people claim this isn't true. Some people call me a liar. However, I don't think this can be ignored.

Can you please comment on this social trend? Should it be encouraged....or squashed by an authoritarian governmental authority (I'm looking to the translators on this one...)??

Sincerely,
A Mullet Observer

Dear Observer:

First let me define "mullet" for any readers who may have been living under a rock or in some other remote location for the past couple of decades.

A mullet is an unfortunate haircut from the 80s that is short in the front and long in the back (i.e. business in the front, party in the back). It was often sported by hockey players and thus often also referred to as hockey hair. Please note, as I have pointed out before, if you never played hockey, your mullet was just a mullet — not hockey hair.

On a woman, this haircut is referred to as a fullet (shortened form of female mullet).

To my utter chagrin, Wikipedia states that David Bowie may have been instrumental in popularizing the mullet. Although, given a recent Wikipedia-related disaster in the form of the movie Hatchet (ahem), who knows what to believe any more. Also, after I watched The Man Who Fell to Earth, David Bowie lost pretty much all of his credibility in my books anyway. But I digress.

The reason why you are seeing a come back in the mullet is that the 80s are making a come back. It started out slow with the revival of 80s cartoons and toys, such as Care Bears, He-Man, Strawberry Shortcake and Transformers. Then, fashion followed suit. This season, the over-sized sweaters, leggings, metallic accessories, short peter-pan-like boots and neon coloured shoes are all the rage, just like in the 80s. Really, it only stands to reason that the 80s hairstyles would also be revived.

Is this a good idea? Dish's answer on this one is a resounding no. The mullet is not a good look for anyone. Ok, so maybe Jonbon had a border-line mullet but it was really more rocker hair than mullet and besides, he's Jonbon, so he is an exception to every rule. I will also let MacGyver get away with his temporary mullet phase.

Truth is, many a rocker and civilian THOUGHT they looked ultra-cool sporting a mullet, but one only has to look as far as Kim Mitchell, Billy Ray Cyrus or Michael Bolton to realize how bad this hair era actually was. Some things are just better off left in the past where they belong. The mullet is one of them.

Given that this trend may not make enough of a revival to warrant government intervention, Dish pleads with her readers to take on a personal crusade against ugly hair.

I'm counting on you, my faithful readers.

Dish

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Revenge

As seen in Termium, the Government of Canada's terminology and linguistic database:

la vengeance est un plat qui se mange froid = revenge is a dish that should be eaten cold.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Dear Dish Reminisces

Oh, Dear Dish!

My first job involved working with and selling cinnamon buns. After I screwed up scheduling one week, I was demoted to icing maker (one rung above dough maker.) (Maybe. I might be lying to myself.)

Anyway, so I was tasked with making 16 litres of cinnamon bun icing. This involves putting cream cheese, butter, sugar and vanilla into a huge mixer. Well, I wasn't paying attention and measuring carefully when I put the vanilla in. Consequently, my icing didn't quite turn out a pristine white. This is what $5.90 an hour produces: Off-white, slightly yellow icing.

So my supervisor (a questionable person), says, "Did you put too much vanilla in?" And I said, "No." And with a straight face too. Shortly thereafter I left the job.

So my question for you Dish isn't what are the moral implications about lying about the vanilla in the icing. My question is: What was your first job, Dish? How did it go?

Sincerely,

Someone Inspired Towards Higher Education

Dear Inspired:

Please do not do anything rash. One must NEVER discount any food that can be used as a vehicle for cream cheese icing. Do not let one bad experience tarnish years of eating enjoyment.

Dish’s first job (aside from baby-sitting some neighbourhood kids who had a pet ferret that they found on the street and that they had to keep locked up so it wouldn't eat their kittens) was folding laundry at a small motel owned by a very nice couple. My older sister got me the job. I started out low and moved up the ranks to actual room cleaning. I stayed at it for 5 years (summer of grade 7 to summer of grade 11). Aside from the crappy nature of the work, it was actually a pretty sweet deal. I usually only worked from 8:30 or 9:00 a.m. until 1:00 or 2:00 p.m. (3:00-4:00 on the busy days). Lunch was provided, often in the form of a western sandwich.

The beauty of the first job is not learning the skills that actually apply to the job. It is all the other less obvious things that you pick up. I will now impart to you some of the key life life lessons that I learned from my first job so that you may also benefit. I learned that:

Members of motorcycle gangs are good to the little people. They always left more than generous tips, whereas most people never think to even leave a tip for the person who cleans their room at a hotel.
People are dirty and disgusting creatures by nature.
The phrase "I’ll fix your little red wagon" exists and is extremely useful in a variety of situations.
It is essential to know the difference between processed and real ham.
The mini Ritz crackers with the cheese included are the most nasty tasting things around.
You can eat yogurt after its expiration date without dying a horrible death.
Generally speaking the girls do NOT in fact come with the room.

May these words of wisdom help you in your life's journey as much as they helped me.

Dish

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Dear Dish on Yams & Sweet Potatoes

Dear Dish:

Is there a difference between yams and sweet potatoes? What's the deal, yo?

Sincerely,
A Puzzled Vegetable Consumer

Dear Puzzled:

The terms sweet potato and yam are often incorrectly used interchangeably. Yams and sweet potatoes are actually not even related. The yam is part of the grass or lily family, whereas the sweet potato is part of the morning glory family.

Yams are native to Africa and Asia. They have a rough brown or black skin, similar to tree bark. Sweet potatoes have a smoother, thinner skin. Sweet potatoes are more sweet and moist than yams, which have a more starchy taste.

In terms of nutrients, both are good sources of fibre and potassium; however, the sweet potato is also a good source of vitamins A and C and beta carotene.

Readers be warned. Raw yams are toxic.

Bon appétit!

Dish

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Dear Dish on Livin' on a Prayer

Dear Dish:

So I am an avid musician. I own a guitar which I adore and I think it will bring me somewhere someday. I mean it. I am pretty good. My girlfriend adores the guitar and she adores me. Thing is, work has been pretty lacking lately since her and I moved to Halifax. I work on the docks right now and she is looking for work right now. All she has right now is working at the Lower Deck as a bartender. My guitar playing has been bringing in some money for some time now, but it's just not enough. But there's a gentleman who is interested in it and if I sold it, it could help us pay the rent for three months! I'm just scared that my inner voice won't have the opportunity to speak if I get rid of it. What should I do?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

I know a couple who were in exactly your situation. Let’s call them Tommy and Gina. Tommy used to work on the docks but the union’s been on strike and he got down on his luck. It was tough. As for Gina, she worked the diner all day. Working for her man, she’d bring home her pay for love. The advice they were given and what I think you need to keep in mind here is to hold on to what you’ve got. It doesn’t make a difference if you make it or not. You’ve got each other and that’s a lot. For love, give it a shot.

I think you should try doing what Tommy did. He put his six-string in hock. That way, it’s not a permanent loss of your guitar. When you get back on your feet again, you can always go get it back. In the meantime, I am sure you can find other ways to express your inner voice. For example, did you know that Rogers On Demand now has free karaoke? There is even a Classic Rock category. You should definitely give that a try.

Don't worry. These things have a way of working themselves out.

Dish

Note: Click here to revisit the Livin' On a Prayer lyric analysis.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Dear Dish on Tardy Boyfriends

Dear Dish:

While we're on the topic of B-Day gifts, my boyfriend's b-day is coming up a couple weeks before christmas. I want to give a gift with a message.

My BF is always late when he's picking me up to go somewhere and it drives me batty. He's not real late, around 20-30 minutes usually but just enough that it irritates me. It's always a different excuse but I think he spends too much time in the shower.

With Christmas coming up and we have a bunch of parties we have to go to so I'm thinking about buying him an alarm clock as his birthday gift. Not just a cheap alarm clock but a good one, with a dual alarm. The reason being, he can set one alarm for the time when he has to start getting ready and the second one for when he has to be out the door and to come get me. When he opens the gift, I'll obviously have to explain what it's for and when it's to be used.

Dish, is this a good idea, or should I just get him the Super Sports Package on CableTV so he can watch every hockey game and every football game played this season? (I'll just go to the Christmas parties by myself).

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

Dish truly does not think that any sort of "hint-hint" gift is the way to go in this situation. What you need to do is sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with this boyfriend of yours.

Now, Dish understands that people cannot always be on time. Sometimes unforeseeable circumstances arise. Maybe there was an accident on the highway that backed up traffic. Maybe there was a family emergency. What I am saying is that regular lateness for no good reason is unacceptable behaviour, especially given that your boyfriend is up to 30 minutes late each time.

Your boyfriend’s chronic tardiness indicates a blatant lack of courtesy and respect. By being late every time you meet, what your boyfriend is actually saying is that he feels that he and his time are more important than you and yours. He does not respect you enough to keep even a small commitment he made to you and arrive when he said he was going to.

Is he also late for a job interviews or important business meetings? Likely not. These sorts tend to arrive on time when they feel the situation warrants it. Are you any less important than his future boss or his co-workers? If this is any sort of serious relationship, you should definitely be MORE important.

Your boyfriend’s tardiness may also indicate control issues. By making you wait for him, he is exerting control over you and maintaining the power in the relationship. It is a passive-aggressive technique. If you get angry, you appear to be the one who is unreasonable, after all, he has a "good" excuse every time, right?

Now, maybe this is not an example of the overarching ideological structures of our society in action. There is a possibility that your boyfriend is just clueless and is not purposefully being discourteous and disrespectful. That is why I suggest talking to him. If you don't know where to start, try showing him this letter.

Give him a certain number of chances (maximum of three, that's all the good fairy gave Bunny Foo Foo), or, if you are feeling generous, give him a time period (maximum of one month) in which to change his ways. Let me be clear. This is NOT an opportunity for him to start inventing more elaborate excuses. This is an opportunity for him to show you what you mean to him, to change his ways and to start treating you the way you deserve to be treated.

If things don't start improving, Dish suggests you trade this lemon in for a new model. Find someone who will treat you like a princess, because all girls are princesses.

Fight the power.
Dish

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Dear Dish on Birthday Gifts

Dear Dish:

As regular reader of "The Main Dish" I have a question.

My girlfriend's birthday is coming up and I was canvassing for present options with a female co-worker. While discussing the topics of jewellery and full day spa treatments I casually mentioned that she already had a Swiffer. My female co-worker chastised me for even mentioning any cleaning product, or cooking product for a birthday gift.

I was confused. Some Swiffers, if you buy the right one, do an excellent job and a clean house would make any girl happy. Also they can sweep and mop at the same time, thus saving precious minutes every time you use it. Basically I'm giving her the gift of time and that would be the best gift of all. Am I wrong?

Signed,
I think I'm a Hero

Dear Hero Wannabe:

Dish is going to be frank with you. You ARE wrong. In fact, you sound so much like a certain Mike of the pink shirt persuasion that it scares me. Are you a distant cousin by chance? He once bought his wife a vacuum cleaner for her birthday. These are not the sort of situations that end well.

What you propose flies both in the face of chivalry and in the face of feminism. Dish cannot support your gift idea or the logic that led you to even consider such a gift. The only way you could get away with giving a girl the gift of a Swiffer for any sort of special occasion is if you gave the Swiffer with a note specifying that the real gift is that you will be using the Swiffer in question to clean on a daily basis and that she herself will never have to touch the wretched thing.

Now, don’t misinterpret. Dish is not giving you permission to just write up a note and then forget about it. In order for it to be acceptable, this note would have to be written in your own blood and include a vow selling your soul to the devil and agreeing to rot in the very depths of hell, spending eternity swiffering a ginormous ball of dust that cannot effectively be swiffered should you should ever consider breaking your house-cleaning-related promise.

Your Swiffer gift idea says that you are still living in the dark ages before the feminist movement and that you believe that women should be responsible for all of the cleaning. It says that when you think of your precious girlfriend, the most important part of the relationship you can think of is the house work she does for you. While this may be true, it is not something you should ever admit or even imply to a woman because what it really tells her is that you are a selfish bastard who only thinks about himself. I am sorry to be so blunt, but I want you to be aware of how your actions are being interpreted.

The kitchen gadgets and appliances territory is more murky. Dish was once given a Kitchen-Aid mixer for Christmas from a boyfriend and, to this day, it remains one of the best gifts she has ever received from a significant other (I even express my thanks again in this public forum). To me, it is a gift that keeps on giving. However, Dish loves to be in the kitchen despite her feminist perspectives on most things. NOT ALL WOMEN DO.

You have to actually KNOW something about your significant other before even considering going this route. However, I do have to put one more plug in for the Octodog. The Octodog is an easy-to-use gadget than any woman would love. (Another classic is the Holy Toast Stamper.) Generally speaking though, kitchen gifts are best given when you know that the recipient will appreciate them, not when they are coming from the "what delicious food item can my love interest make for me with this kitchen appliance" perspective. This sort of philosophy again places you in the selfish bastard category and will make your love interest start to wonder what she is doing with such a stupid man.

I merely give the advice. If you would like to avoid disaster, I suggest you heed it. On the other hand, if you are secretly dissatisfied with your relationship (as your Swiffer question could imply) and are looking for an "easy out", by all means, buy your girlfriend the Swiffer. Chances are, the relationship will immediately start to crumble and you will be a free man before you know it with a minimum of effort.

Please let me know how it all turns out.

Dish

The Main Dish