u The Main Dish: April 2008

The Main Dish

Looking for the Spoon...

Friday, April 25, 2008

Dear Dish on Men's Underwear

Dear Dish:

I don't mind the feel of wearing briefs. Actually, I love boxer/briefs more because they don't bunch up inside my pants. Boxers aren't my cup of tea due to the bunching effect.

That being said, my friend was awestruck that I would actually wear briefs because they were not 'appealing'.

Can the type of underwear a man chooses to wear seriously affect his 'wow' factor? Should this be on the online dating profiles? I would like to think that our society is a little more advanced than to put any thought into a stinky pair of underwear in determining whether or not someone is attractive or not. But maybe that's me....

Also, I leave you with a quote from my friend which you may wish to leave out due to the public who read your blog. "Ma'am, those are definitely my underwear but that is most definitely not my skid mark."

Sincerely,
Lovin’ my tighty whiteys

Dear LMTW:

Sounds to me like you are man who has become comfortable in a long-term relationship and feels like he no longer has to work to impress his lady friend. Luckily for men, women are more inclined to choose a significant other based on factors other than the type of underwear he wears. If a woman loves you, your "wow factor" will likely not be too affected by your underwear preference.

Really, for the ladies, underwear preference varies depending on personal taste. Dish, for one, is not a big fan of the look of briefs; however, she does see how boxers could create problems in terms of bunchage. Consequently, she recommends boxer briefs. They’re the best of both worlds. They're flattering on most body types and are relatively tight fitting so you can avoid the discomfort of the bunching effect.

That being said, there are some additional points to keep in mind when it comes to underwear:

1) Regardless of what type of underwear you wear, the most important thing you can do is ensure that your underwear are not, as you say, "stinky". Fresh underwear every day boys. And no, turning a dirty pair of underwear inside out and wearing it again does not constitute clean.

2) Make sure the underwear you are wearing is relatively new and in good condition. Boys, you tend to be guilty of wearing your underwear until it falls apart at the seams. This is NOT attractive to the ladies. If your underwear has stains or holes or if you need a belt to hold them up because the elastic is shot, it is time to invest in some new ones. So please, do us all a favour and go throw out that underwear you’ve had since 1996 and buy some new ones. And don’t make your girlfriend or your mother do it for you. PLEASE!

Dish

posted by Dish @ 1:30 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Dear Dish on Worshipping

Dear Dish:

I love you!!! I think your answers to questions are witty, urbane, and completely right, true, and the to the benefit of all humanity. Without you, we would be confused, misinformed, lost and utterly miserable in our menial misbegotten lives.

My question is this: how can we, the little peons who worship you, show our undying love and devotion to you?

Sincerely,
Your #1 fan! (and if I could put the tone in that Kathy Bates used....)

Dear Fan:

Flattery will get you everywhere. Honestly, the best thing you can do to show your love and devotion is to LEAVE COMMENTS. Dish is told by many that they love her column, but you would never know it from the comments section. In the past, the comments sections was a fabulous forum for banter and debate. You readers should get to know each other. Dish realizes that she is most often right, but it is still nice to throw other opinions around for interest's sake.

Other than that, of course there are the standards: Dish accepts cash, cheques and gifts of any sort. Dish's birthday is approaching, but gifts of devotion are welcome any time.

You could also try something a little more creative: Get a Dish tattoo, wear a Dish t-shirt, write a song about her. Use your imagination (and share your ideas in the comments section!).

Dish would also like to take this opportunity to thank you and all of her fans for their dedication, devotion and participation. She couldn't do it without you!

Here's to many more years of advice to come.
Dish

posted by Dish @ 7:25 PM 5 comments

Monday, April 21, 2008

Dear Dish on Writing Personal Ads

Dear Dish:

I have decided to enter the online dating world to see if I can find a virtual boyfriend in addition to my many imaginary ones, but I'm stuck on putting together a snappy personal ad! Can you help me write one?

Single in Halifax

P.S. It has be gay-friendly.....because I prefer to meet friendly gays.

Dear Single in Hali:

Are you saying that an imaginary significant other isn’t good enough for you? That imaginary friend has been at your beck and call for years and now you are going to toss them aside like Brad did Jennifer? That’s harsh. Really harsh.

So now that the chastising portion of the response is out of the way, on to the real issue at hand here. Whatever your sexual orientation, the key to writing a personal ad is to make it creative and fun. Don’t be that person who goes on there and rants about what they don’t want. For example, don’t say things like "If you are needy, have baggage and like to sleep around, don’t call me." No one likes to have their flaws pointed out, and besides, all this does is make you appear bitter and jaded. Even if you are bitter and jaded, it is best to maintain a facade at first if you ever want to meet anyone. Once you’ve roped in the person of your choice and you are sure that they’ve become emotionally dependent on you, THEN you can break out the bitter jaded side and there won’t be anything they can do about it!

So, since you’ve provided no information whatsoever that you would like to include in your ad regarding your likes, dislikes, personality, etc., Dish is at a bit of a loss in terms of coming up with a snappy ad on your behalf. Besides, she is of the opinion that it is far better if you write your own ad because then people will get a better idea of who you are, your sense of humour, intelligence, wit, etc.

Dish will provide you with an example to inspire you and get those creative juices flowing. Don’t forget, a key part of any online profile is the picture! Make sure your photo is a realisitic depiction and not what photoshop helps you look like.

SAMPLE:

Goddess come to earth seeks tall, hot, muscle-y man to cater to her whims. Applicants must be able to defend said goddess from birds and close talkers. Applicants should also be able to distinguish between cookies that are chocolate chip and those that appear to be chocolate chip but are really raisin cookies in disguise.

If you enjoy having your photo taken and visiting large tacky roadside attractions, this goddess is for you.


You could also try to do it in a likes/dislikes sort of fashion:

SWF (but not the psycho scary kind like the one who tried to kill Bridget Fonda) seeks hot rocker who can screamy sing.

Likes: Flip flops, self-help books and 80s horror films
Dislikes: broccoli, rodents and Joni Mitchell

END SAMPLE

The sky is the limit really. Just be sure to keep it simple and lighthearted. Now go get 'em tiger!

Dish

posted by Dish @ 10:30 PM 5 comments

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Dear Dish on Unpleasant Confrontations

Dear Dish:

I have this friend who is a tender, sensitive young man. He was introduced to this girl by a friend who has subsequently left the country. Much to the young man's chagrin, this girl has glommed onto him and wants to spend exorbitant amounts of time with him. Apparently being in her presence is an extremely stressful experience for him, but he is too mild mannered to tell her to drop dead.

She asked him to do something with her on her 30th birthday, but because of his aversion and other personal circumstances, he did not meet with her. He assumed that this would send an adequate message, but to his dismay, one week later, she sends him a message saying, in essence, "Haven't heard from you in a while, didn't you get the last 2 texts I sent?"

I told him simply to confront her and say he wants nothing more to do with her in a blunt fashion but he cannot bear to be impolite or cruel. Now he lives in constant fear of running into her on the street, or even that she may show up on his doorstep. Is there some way he can ditch this clueless chick without being an AH?

Sincerely,
Trying to Help

Dear Helpful:

Clearly, the only solution here is to have your friend ring 36 24 36. ACDC has clearly stated that if you got a lady and you want her gone but you ain't got the guts they will take care of it.

If dirty deeds make him uncomfortable, I agree with you in that the blunt approach is best. It doesn't have to be mean, just clear. It's a hard thing to do, but it will be easier in the long run. Dish has been in many a self-induced predicament by being too nice.

Really, he is only hurting himself by avoiding the issue and constantly making up lame excuses as to why he can't see this girl. She is not the one who lives in fear as she walks down the street. She is strolling along quite nonchalantly with not a care in the world. Meanwhile, your friend is a ball of nerves, always on edge, always on the look out. And really, if this girl were to find out later that your friend hated spending time with her, wouldn't that hurt her feelings much more than if he was just up front about it in the first place? And wouldn't that be far easier than attempting to maintain such an elaborate charade? Besides, people who text you to say "didn't you get my last two texts" are clearly not the type of people who get hints easily.

Sometimes you just have to be cruel to be kind.

Best of luck.
Dish

posted by Dish @ 9:35 PM 1 comments

Monday, April 07, 2008

Dear Dish on Street Meat

Dear-o Dish-o:

Hear Ye! Hear Ye!

Let there be the proclamation:

Street Meat has returned to Ottawa!

Yesterday, there was 50% more Street Meat than usual in the Byward Market!

Spread the word! No Lunchables no more!

Sincerely,

Someone Who's Hip on the Meat Front

P.S. - Is Street Meat optimally nutritious? Can it really be clean when there's no running water?

P.P.S. - All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say, "Yo, Goober! Where's the meat?!" (As quoted by Homer Simpson).

Dear Hipster:

Dish herself was just remarking the other day how more street meat is now available in the downtown core. And although it did make her feel sad when she remembered that her best partner in crime when it comes to indulging in such treats moved to Korea without her consent, her overall response to this phenomenon is "Huzzah!"

Is street meat is nutritious?! Of course it is! It's a perfectly good source of protein. And really, just because North Americans generally eat far too much protein is no reason to discriminate against the street meat vendor. Dish also firmly believes that the nasty rumours to the effect that street meat contains large amounts of artery-clogging saturated fat and cancer-causing nitrates is just a conspiracy to defame street meat's character.

As for the lack of running water at hotdog stands, that is something it is best just not to think about. Please note that if the vendor has any sort of cuts or bandages that imply that he/she may have cuts on his/her hands, find yourself another hotdog stand. That is just asking for trouble with the dreaded Staph aureus, which we have discussed here before. Never a pretty situation. Best to avoid it.

Clearly street meat is something to be celebrated. Afterall, you don't win friends with salad. Vive the street meat season! Also, now that spring is here, it may be time for Dish to hostess a party and break out the Red Hots 2 Minute Hot Dog Cooker. You know you all can't wait to try it. :o)

Dish

posted by Dish @ 12:37 PM 1 comments

Friday, April 04, 2008

Random Addiction

Schneiders Lunchmate Stackers

Why is it that I can't seem to get enough of these lately? I mean do these things even contain real cheese?

Somehow the cheese and crackers just taste so much better when the cheese is shaped exactly like the crackers. Or maybe I like them because the whole thing comes conveniently packaged with its own separate compartments for each food. Or maybe it's because I didn't have to cut up the cheese myself. It has already been done for me. Or maybe it's that I get a mini KitKat as a reward for eating my cheese and crackers. Hard to say. Regardless, I'm hooked, at least temporarily.

Can you tell it's Friday afternoon and almost time for work to be over? ;o)

posted by Dish @ 3:06 PM 1 comments

Dear Dish on the Family Guy vs. the Simpsons

Dear Dish,

I'm concerned about the Family Guy usurping the Simpsons rightful place in society. The Family Guy is fairly low brow. I like the smooth humour of watching the Simpsons. When I do, I am in flavour country. And it's a big country. I am concerned.

What say you?

Sincerely,
The Watcher

Dear Watcher:

If The Family Guy ever does usurp the Simpsons rightful place in society it will only be because the Simpsons has been on so long that its writers seem to be growing tired. It won't be because The Family Guys is higher quality programming.

The Family Guy brand of humour can never compare with that found on the Simpsons. It is just way to obvious. The thing Dish likes about the Simpsons is how each episode is filled with cultural references. Sometimes you can go back and watch an episode that you've seen a million times and some new reference will finally click and more hilarity will ensue. With The Family Guy, what you see is what you get. And that grows tiresome.

Dish remembers finally seeing the original version of Psycho for the first time at a midnight showing when she was going to UPEI and finally understanding the Simpsons episode where Principal Skinner looks up at the large house on the hill and yells "mother!". There may have even been shouting to that effect, so great was her excitement at finally being enlightened.

Where would we be without moments like these? Besides, Dish firmly believes in the philosophy that everything in life is either a psychology experiement or a Simpsons episode. Clearly, Dish does not want her life to bear any semblance to The Family Guy.

As proof of the beauty of the Simpsons, I leave you with some quotable quotes.

Bart: Buy me "Bonestorm" or go to Hell!
Marge: Bart!
Homer: Young man, in this house, we use a little word called "please."

Bart: Aw, I'm going to miss the whole summer.
Homer: Don't worry, boy. When you get a job like me, you'll miss every summer.

Homer: No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.

Homer: I have misplaced my pants.

And there are plenty more where that came from. Long live the Simpsons!

Dish

posted by Dish @ 2:47 PM 4 comments