The Main Dish: February 2008

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Dear Dish on Bert and Ernie

Dear Dishness:

Having been a huge Sesame Street and Muppets fan since I was a kid, one question has troubled me since my early formative years: Are Bert and Ernie "brothers" or are they "lovers"?

Sincerely,
A Puzzled Fuzzy Blue Monster

Dear Puzzled:

Growing up, Dish always thought that Bert and Ernie were brothers, namely because they shared a room with two single beds. This is quite reminiscent of the room Dish used to have to share with one of her sisters, which was aptly dubbed "parallel land" since each side of the room had a matching twin bed, clock-radio and ghetto blaster. Although, now that I think about it, Bert did have a brother Bart and a baby cousin named Brad and there was never any mention of these characters being related to Ernie. Similarly, Ernie had a cousin Ernestine and no mention was ever made of her relationship to Bert.

This is a serious issue that cannot be resolved based on mere speculation. Consequently, I turn now to the most official source on the topic.

The Children’s Television Workshop issued the following statement:

"Bert and Ernie, who've been on Sesame Street for 25 years, do not portray a gay couple, and there are no plans for them to do so in the future. They are puppets, not humans. Like all the Muppets created for Sesame Street, they were designed to help educate preschoolers. Bert and Ernie are characters who help demonstrate to children that despite their differences, they can be good friends."

Cleary the answer to your question is "neither". Bert and Ernie are not brothers or lovers. They are muppet friends. Problem solved.

Dish

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Dear Dish on Numbers and Apostrophes

Dear Dish:

I've grown increasingly dissatisfied with my one of my desktop calendars. The grammar one. It's called "Eats, Shoots and Leaves." Very clever title.

I thought it would unlock the secrets of grammar - the secrets of kings! And the upper class. I'm sick of those two-bit grammar correctors thinking they're better than me. It's just not fair when I'm coerced into writing a number as a number (3), instead of writing the word out, like "three". (I only have this issue up to and including the number nine). I know I'm right.

So anyway, I'm either looking for a better desk top calendar, or spiritual advice relating to the grammar department. What's the deal with the apostrophe anyway? Can I ever use it to show possession? Like, as in, Dish's Advice column? An olde English teacher once got snotty with me for using it in that sense. But it's soo tempting!

Sincerely,

A Grammar Rodeo Participant

P.S. - Everything is going fine at work, in case you're wondering.

Dear GRP:

Dish has an AC(lightning bolt)DC calendar in her cube and she finds it quite satisfactory. In fact, it is a shining beacon in a small dreary cube.

However, if you truly are in need of grammar guidance, you have come to the right place. Dish is a language professional.

Many factors need to be taken into consideration when deciding whether to write numbers out or express them as numerals. Generally speaking, we write out single digit numbers (one to nine) and use numerals for the rest (10 and over). Of course when you start getting into the big numbers you can use a combination, for example, "I want to win $20 million" dollars. Exceptions to the rule do occur however. Single digit numbers should be expressed as numerals if it lends consistency to the text or if your text is financial, technical or scientific.

As for the apostrophe, its primary use is to indicate possession! Perhaps, what your teacher was upset about was the use of "it's" to indicate the possessive. This is a definite no no. "It's" is ALWAYS a contraction of "it is". The possessive form of "it" is "its".

If you have any more grammar dilemmas, I am here for you.
Dish

Monday, February 25, 2008

Dear Dish on Tramapolines!

Dear Dish:

I'm concerned about trampolines being death traps. Sure, we used to jump on them all the time back in the day, but times have changed. Today's children aren't nearly hearty enough to survive playing on a trampoline. These kids are being raised on iPods and Lipton Chicken Noodle Soup.

And then, in the summer, they stick lawn sprinklers under them and, god forbid, sometimes put soap on the top. I survived (and had a lot of fun) trampolining as a child, but I'm not sure about kids today. I picture a futuristic world where either:

1) All children have been wiped out due to trampolines; or
2) Humanity is prospering and children are enjoying safer alternatives.

Sincerely,
A deep thinker

P.S. Not that I want to get all neurotic on people, but here's the mathematical breakdown of Lipton Chicken Noodle Soup folks: amount of sodium > amount of actual and/or synthesized chicken.

Dear thinker:

Safer alternatives? Are you mad? Trampolines are part of the natural selection process. Who are we to tamper with that? I survived many a trampoline-jumping session and I think I am a quality member of society. In fact, as per Lisa Simpson's suggestion, I just might have my wedding on a trampoline. I have also eaten plenty of Lipton Chicken Noodle Soup and I haven't had a heart attack.

This is a matter of the survival of the fittest. Kids today need to toughen up!

Now, I leave you with some quotes from a fabulous Simpsons episode, "Bart's Inner Child" when Homer gets a free trampoline from Krusty.

Todd: Each leap brings us closer to God.
Rod: Catch me, Lord, catch me!
[They collide and fall onto the ground]
What have we done to make God angry?
Todd: *You* did it!

Milhouse: Stop jumping on me! I'm hurt.
Homer: Kids, kids: once you get hurt, move aside and let other people jump.

Dish

Friday, February 22, 2008

Dear Dish on Hair Dye

Dear Dish:

I've noticed throughout the years that women like to change their hair colour. Blonde to brunette, red to green, you name it, they've all done it. What's the reason for this? Is it because all women are looking to change something in their life and this is one of the things they can actually control?

Colour Confused

Dear Confused:

While I appreciate the opening for a feminist rant about how all women are oppressed due to the overarching ideological structures of our patriarchal society and are therefore trying to regain some semblance of control through their hair, I really just can't muster up the enthusiasm for it right now.

There are various reasons why women dye their hair. Maybe they are dying of boredom. Maybe they just want to shake things up. Part of the problem with the hair dying phenomenon is that once you make the decision to do it, it is dye cast. You then have to continue to dye your hair for the rest of your life unless you have the patience of a saint and can wait for years for the dye to grow out. The other alternative is to try the short hair look for awhile, cut the dye out and start fresh.

Also, once you start dying, it can also become addictive. Dish's hair was once a fabulous shade she can only desribe as either a blackberry or black cherry colour. It was to dye for. She pretty much felt as though she had dyed and gone to heaven. Ever since, she has been on an eternal quest to recapture that colour. Many times she has come close, but it is always just a little bit off.

So who knows? Maybe the hair dying fad will dye down but, for now, it appears to be going strong. So just go with it. Live and let dye.

Dish

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Dear Dish on Mini Eggs

Dear Dish:

Now that all the questionable SAD-related activities are behind us, we can move on to bigger and better holidays: specifically, Easter.

As with every North American holiday, we are pummelled with boatloads of festive merchandise. Enter the mini egg. God bless those little things. But now, now there's the mini-mini egg! Behold! It's extra-tiny! Batman discussion aside, there are now two different types of mini eggs to choose from.

Which is better Dish? Please report back.

Sincerely,
A Chocolate Fancier

Dear Fancier:

Dish thinks that Micro Mini Eggs are a crock. Who wants a smaller treat with less chocolate? If anything they should be enlarging the Mini Egg into a Macro Mini Egg, although that takes us into oxymoron territory. Dish also warns you not to fall for the Popping Mini Eggs, which are your regular old school Mini Eggs with pop rocks in them. Instead of acheiving a "together at last" scenario, Cadbury ended up with a "why didn't I just get regular Mini Eggs" disappointment (much like the Coke with lime scenario).

Readers should also note that Mini Eggs aren't just for Easter any more. Christmas Mini Eggs are now also sold. Dish is just one victim. Who can resist a Mini Egg? Yet clearly this is just a money-making scheme since eggs have nothing to do with Christmas. Don't even get me started about egg nog, especially given that the French equivalent is lait de poule. Chicken's milk? Could a more repulsive name for a beverage possibly be found?

In any case, Dish strongly advises against the Micro Mini Egg. We live in North America. Bigger is what we do best. Why try to change that?

Dish

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Dear Dish on Patent Pending

Dear Dish:

I've noticed the words "Patent Pending" on a lot of things lately. A utility knife in my washroom or the toilet paper dispenser at work.

I understand the concept of a patent, in that once you patent an idea, no one else can use that same idea without your permission.

But what's the point of a pending patent? Do manufacturers say to themselves "Well, we want to get this product out there as fast as we can so let's just stick the 'Patent Pending' label on it to scare away anyone who thinks they could make the same object."?

Dish, should I be putting Patent Pending on everything I create (including snowmen)?

Sincerely,
A concerned consumer

Dear Concerned:

Since it sometimes takes a long time for a patent to be issued for an invention, inventors sometimes choose to market their inventions before they are actually issued a patent. If a patent application has already been submitted, the product can be labelled "patent pending" to warn others that a patent is in the works and that, although others can make, use, and sell the invention until the patent is actually issued, copycats should be careful because they may end up infringing the inventor's rights with regard to the product and face legal consequences. Once a patent is issued, the "patent pending" label is replaced by a patent number.

Dish strongly recommends that you DO NOT stick "patent pending" labels on everything you make, including snowmen, since a) snowmen do not last long enough to bother labelling, unless you keep them in the freezer but then they infringe on your freezer space and b) it is highly illegal to use this label unless a patent application has been filed.

Talk of patents aside, Dish feels that the real and underlying issue here is the utility knife in your washroom. What exactly is it doing there? Are you trying a new fangled approach to shaving? Or is this an indication of deep emotional troubles? Remember, if you need to talk, Dish is here for you.

Dish

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Dear Dish on Fish and Chips

Dear Dish:

I was at this amazing fish diner the other day and I ordered the fish and chips. However, afterwards in the afternoon, I had extreme pains in my insides, which resulted in trips to the washroom. While this isn't a pretty story, I want to know if I should blame the establishment, or if I should blame myself for ordering an item that blatantly has a lot of grease on it to begin with when I should have known better?

One in Pain

Dear Pained:

Not to be vague, but both of these reasons could be to blame for your abdominal discomfort. Fish and chips are deep-fat fried. Oil for frying is often reused. If the restaurant where you ate did not strain or store the oil properly between uses, or if it continued using the oil after it had clearly become rancid then, yes, the establishment could be to blame for your troubles.

However, if you don't often eat such greasy food (if, for example, you are watching your cholesterol), your gastrointestinal woes could merely be your body's way of protesting against a foreign and nasty substance.

The best way to solve this problem is to eat greasy junk food on a regular basis. That way when you become ill from eating fast food or other greasy, high-fat items, you will know for sure that the restaurant is to blame for your misfortune and will be able to take the proper legal action.

Dish

Monday, February 18, 2008

Dear Dish on Family Day

Dear Dish,

I'm bitter that I have to work on Family Day. How can I assauge this bitterness?

Sincerely,

The Proletariat

Dear Proletariat:

Dish has no advice for you on this one. She too is a ball of bitterness. All we can do is suck it up and hope that they include Family Day as a statutory holiday in the next collective agreement. We must also hope that, if and when they do so, they remember to set Family Day as a statutory holiday for all government employees in the National Capital Region and not just those working in Ontario. Those of us who work in Quebec do not want to get screwed on this one.

If you really can't get over your bitterness, you might want to try talking about it to a counsellor or a clergy member. (Sorry, I just couldn't resist!)

Dish

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Dear Dish on Working

Dear Dish:

I cannot convey to you my sheer delight when I happened upon your effervescently entertaining blog in the gargantuan place they call the World Wide Web! Why, your fresh and witty perspective on modern-day society's ills is precisely what we all need more of. Chapeaux to you, Dish, chapeaux, as the French say.

And so, I pose to you Dish, a most wise and omnipowerful source of blog knowledge, a dreadful question that has been lingering with me for many moons...What oh what is one to do when the very thought of going to one's workplace five days a week makes one want to retch until one's throat is scratchy and raw or, to be more precise, when stepping off the elevator every morning to face the mind-numbingly dreary innards of one's solitary cube makes one wish one was on permanent sick leave?

Desperately Seeking Friday

Dear Desperate:

Thank you for your flattering comments. Dish is always glad to hear that her column is appreciated.

With regard to your question about work, whatever you do, do NOT try to find another job that you would enjoy more. You chose your career and now you are just going to have to live with it. After all, quitters never win. You'll just have to continue to go to work each day and live in misery for the next 35 years until you are able to retire or until you meet some unfortunate and unexpected end.

However, perhaps it will make you feel better to have a diagnosis for the feelings you are experiencing. What you have is a disease. It's called Silent Desperation.

Cube life is much like Hotel California. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave. To ease the pain, Dish suggests eating mass quantities of junk food. A giant bag of chips, for example, will provide a small bit of distraction from the monotony and screaming silence of cube life. Plus, it offers the added bonus of driving your co-workers crazy with the crackling sound the bag makes each time you reach for more and the loud crunching sound the chips make as you eat them. Becoming a junk food junkie will definitely dull your senses. Obesity is a small price to pay to save your sanity. Besides, you sit in a cube. No one ever sees you anyway.

Have a nice life.
Dish

Dear Dish on Going Low Brow

Dear Dish:

There's all this talk about back alleys and "units".

How on earth did your column turn into such a low-brow column overnight?

Sincerely,

A Morally Justified Individual

Dear Morally Justified:

Dish responds to any questions readers send in. She hates to point the finger, but if the column has become "low brow" it isn't really Dish's fault, now is it?

As classy as ever,
Dish

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Dear Dish on SAD, a popular topic these days

Dish:

Do you think guys feel the same way about the dreaded V-Day as single girls stereotypically do?

P.S. Any advice on what to do when flirting shamelessly with someone else's partner lands you in a less-than-friendly tête-à-tête with a mad-as-a-hornet girl or boyfriend in some back alley parking lot?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

The stereotypical single girl looks upon Valentines Day with dread and loathing. This is because she will be forced to spend the day watching other girls get chocolates and flowers and (heaven forbid) singing telegrams (Side note: Dish is dead set against the singing telegram. It’s embarrassing for all involved.). This girl spends the day feeling humilated because she has to tell people she has no plans for Valentines Day and didn’t get any gifts.

From my experience (and one has only needs to look so far as the boys on Chez 106 to confirm this), it is the men who have a significant other who dread and loathe Valentines Day, not the other way around.

While many a single girl is just hoping to get through the day, the single man is generally oblivious to the fact that it even is Valentines Day. He doesn’t have any reason to remember. Frankly, he can barely remember when he does have a reason to remember.

On Valentines Day, despite the fact that Valentines Day paraphernalia came out in stores the day after Christmas, most married or otherwise taken men either a) fail to notice all clues indicating that this day is different from the others until they get home and realize that their lady friend was expecting an extravagant romantic gesture and they are now in the doghouse because they came home empty handed or b) panicking because they remembered at the last minute and now have to try to come up with something at the last minute that doesn’t look like they came up with it at the last minute. (Trust me boys. The girl always knows.)

Meanwhile, the single man who remembers it is Valentines Day is thanking his lucky stars that he isn’t one of the suckers who has to pay three times as much as usual for flowers that will just be dead in a few days anyway (we’ve even heard such complaints here before).

As for your potential cat-fight/brawl dilemma from shameless flirting, what can I say. Tsk tsk is what comes to mind. I would assume my faithful readers would have more sense than to let things go that far, or at least be sensible enough to not go by themselves into a back alley parking lot where someone could easily rough them up. The best thing to do is to get some menions to watch your back while you flirt shamelessly. If you are a boy, be smart about things. Don’t flirt with anyone who has a boyfriend bigger than you are. And whatever you do, for heaven’s sake, don’t go making any crazy comments about Batman and the size of people’s units.

Best of luck. Let me know how it all turns out.
Dish

Dear Dish on Batman

Dear Dish:

There was an argument the other night that if you were a fan of the Batman, then you most assuredly could not have a large unit between your legs. Is that possible?

A Batfan

Dear Batfan:

Dish does not feel that there is any reason to feel ashamed of being a Batfan. Anyone who would issue such a derogatory statement about fans of her favourite superhero clearly has self-esteem issues and deserves our pity.

To answer your question, there is no direct correlation between being a Batfan and your "unit". Perhaps, the person who made this statement has a "unit" that doesn’t quite cut it and feels inadequate because he could never fill out a latex suit like Batman can. Often people try to draw attention away from their own flaws by pointing them out in others.

This person's outrageous statement may also just be a reflection of their own lack of ability to form educated opinions. Such a simple and sweeping generalization could just be an attempt to cover up the fact that he just isn’t smart enough to back up his dislike of a superhero with rational, well-researched arguments.

Of course the above response applies only if the person who made the statement was male, which was not specified in your letter. If the person was female, Dish suspects that this person may be lashing out at others because of frustration in the bedroom. Perhaps her significant other's claim to fame is his love of Batman and maybe, just maybe, his "unit" was not all she had hoped and dreamed. In her disappointment, she equated the two and is now spreading false rumours.

Either way, Batman is the superhero of all superheros and nothing you can say will convince me otherwise. Now, stop with the slander already.

Dish

Dear Dish on SAD Celebrations

Dear Dish:

How can I squeeze the last drop of goodness out of Singles Awareness Day this year?

Do I need to show up to work that day?

Sincerely,
An Aware Single

Dear Aware:

There are many ways to celebrate Singles Awareness Day. Really, it depends on what sort of perspective you are coming from this year. Are you single and loving it? Single and suicidal? Single and heartbroken? Single and bitter? Single and aware that many of the people around you have merely settled? Single and looking? Part of a couple but thinking you can do better and wishing you were single? Your perspective will have a big impact on your day.

First of all, I suggest you pick a theme song that reflects your mood. You can listen to it on repeat all day, or maybe make a compilation of appropriate songs.

Dish suggests you try to keep the day upbeat if possible. Some songs that are catchy yet still convey an appropriate message for the day are: I’m Too Sexy by Right Said Fred, Thorn in My Side by the Eurythmics, and Dancing With Myself by Billy Idol. (Side note: Ben, you will appreciate this video for its zombie content!)

If you insist on feeling depressed, Dish suggests pretty much anything by Morrissey. Will Never Marry is a classic. Or, you could go with his earlier works and try Never had No One Ever by the Smiths. If you’re really depressed and are looking for something to motivate you toward suicide, try All By Myself by Celine Dion. If this song does not throw you over the edge, Dish does not know what will.

Next, make sure you dress appropriately for SAD. Black, the colour of mourning, is always a classic. Or, if you want to shake things up, you might want to try purple, the colour of the sexually frustrated. You could even try designing your own buttons or t-shirt.

Eating mass quantitites of chocolatey treats is also a must. Most importantly, do not forget to pick up discounted chocolate the day after SAD.

Glaring at happy loving couples who are being too affectionate in public is optional. However, wearing seductive clothing and flirting unnecessarily with other people’s partners is mandatory. This is even more effective if you hum Don’t Cha under your breath while you're at it.

As for missing work, it’s entirely up to you. If you do decide to skip work, Dish suggests that you either call in sick or ask in advance to take it as a vacation day. Failing to report to work without a good reason is irresponsible and Dish does not want to have to translate your Employment Insurance appeal when you lose your job because of your own misconduct and are all whiny and pleading for EI benefits when clearly you are not entitled to receive them. Dish has enough work to do without you creating more.

Now, get out there and enjoy the day. Happy SAD!
Dish

Monday, February 11, 2008

Dear Dish on Thank You Notes

Dear Dish:

Last summer I attended two weddings. Knowing that each couple had been living together for several years and, therefore, not needing anything I gave each couple a gift certificate. In the past when I gave an actual gift to a newly wedded couple, I recieved a thank you note. It's now 6 months after both weddings, and I have never recieved a thank you note. Do gift certificates not rate a thank you note? Am I being too sensitive? Or maybe giving a gift certifcate is declasse in the case of weddings? (However, I was not the only person to give a gift certifcate).

Many thanks,

Thankless

Dear Thankless:

Once upon a time the bride and groom had one year after getting married to send out all their thank you notes. Many couples still believe that this holds true. However, current wedding etiquette cleary states that thank you notes should be sent out within one to three months after the wedding. Most experts agree that even the three month mark is pushing the boundaries of good taste.

The fact that you gave a gift card shouldn't make a lick of difference. Any sort of monetary gift should also be acknowledged with a thank you note.

Possibly your friends are operating on a false pretense and believe they still have six more months to get their thank you cards out. Since this is a falsehood that is deeply engrained in our society, I would give them the additional six months before cutting those ungrateful swine you call friends out of your life.

Hope this helps.
Dish

Friday, February 08, 2008

Dear Dish on All-Inclusiveness

Dear Dish:

Recently I was down south with my girlfriend at an all‑inclusive resort. At one point, she was thirsty and requested a bottle of water from the bar (as we had been warned not to drink the water) and she was asked for $2. We were not impressed as we had paid for the ALL‑INCLUSIVE package.

What are your thoughts on this? We ended up opting for the Pepsi and, on future gatherings at that particular bar, we brought our own litre of water to the bar with us. But this is inconvenient as well.

My question is what should we have done about the situation?
A Cranky Consumer

Dear Cranky:

Since Dish is a non‑drinker, it makes her extremely cranky to hear this as well. Why must society cater only to the alcohol drinkers among us? WHY?!! (That’s a rhetorical question of course. Dish doesn’t ask questions. She answers them. The answer to that one is clearly a sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll type of answer.)

With regard to what you should have done, I definitely think a protest was in order. Next time, I suggest picket signs and loud chanting. A few rhymes that come immediately to mind that may help with signage and/or chanting are: “Elusive All Inclusive”, “Hell – no H20”, “Stop the slaughter, give us water!” But you can work on that aspect of the situation.

The point is that the squeaky wheel gets the grease! The bigger the fuss you make, the more “the man” (i.e. the sneaky all-inclusive resort that denies you your basic needs) will want to appease you in order to shut you up. Scenes are your greatest ally in these types of situations. Generally speaking, Dish does not approve of scenes; however, when you are clearly in the right, sometimes a good scene is necessary in order to get the things to which you are entitled.

Fight the power!
Dish

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Dear Dish on Ice Skating

Dear Dish:

With Winterlude upon us here in Ottawa, I am once again inundated with requests to go out skating on the Canal but I am unable to skate. This brings up memories of my childhood when I would be the only person on the side of the ice rink all by lonesome. I feel the same around this time of the year because everyone does not understand my inability to skate! I feel like a mutant. What can I do to fix this feeling?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous aka Mutant:

Clearly, you *are* a mutant. You grew up in Canada and can't skate? I am both shocked AND horrified. You mean to tell Dish that you never skated as a child? Not even roller skated?! Once upon a time, Dish was the queen of the roller rink, but that is a tale for another time.

You asked how you can stop feeling alienated from your friends and family. I *could* give you all sorts of fluffy advice about learning to love yourself for who you are, but that isn't so helpful when small children are pointing and laughing as glide circles around you on their skates.

What I suggest is that we get to the actual root of the problem. The only solution is that you must learn to skate. You are never too old to learn. The sooner the better in this case. I insist upon it. Dish will take you out to the canal herself if need be. If Chazz Michael Michaels and Jimmy MacElroy can put aside their differences and win the gold, then surely you can at least TRY to learn.

Now, should you try your best fail miserably then we will have to heed Homer Simpson's wise words of "Never try." In that case, I will be here to soothe you and tell you all the things you need to hear about self-esteem. Until then, get your arse out onto the Canal and learn to skate already.

love
Dish

P.S. You may want to bring an old metal chair to push around at first to help you learn to balance.

Happy gliding!

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Dear Dish on Pears

Dear Dish:

Pears in general are persnickity fruits. You buy them, and you wait and wait for them to ripen. And if you're off by a day - WHAM! - you've ruined your pear. I'm impartial to yellow pears, as I find they're sweeter and they don't leave a weird coating on your teeth like their questionable green cousins.

What type of pear do you prefer Dish?

Sincerely,
A Pear Snatcher

Dear Snatcher:

First, some vocabulary clarification. Impartial means unprejudiced or fair. If you are partial to something it means you have a liking or preference for it.

Now, on to the true subject at hand. I recently forced myself to like pears because I felt that it was ridiculous that I liked pear flavoured foods, such as yogurt and candies, but not the real thing. I was succesful in my attempts and the variety of pear I prefer is the the yellow Bartlett.

On a helpful side note, if you are taking a pear in your lunch and need to transport it, slipping it into a mitten will help prevent bruising. It is truly unfortunate that I have not come across a pear guard similar to the banana guard. It would indeed be practical; however, I suppose it would also be much less humourous.

Dish

Dear Dish on American Gladiators

Dear Dish:

Do you find American Gladiators as creepy as I do? Like really, have you actually sat down and watched the thing?

It is rather suspicious that the contenders are never as big as the gladiators. Suspicious in a steroid-like sense, I do think. But I won't name gladiator names. And it's campy and over-the-top (and not in a cool high school-ish "Reach for the Top" kind of way).

How do I get over my general creepiness and just enjoy American Gladiators for positive "spirit of the sport/writers strike" show that it is? Or should I just refuse to never watch it again? I don't know if I can reconcile my feelings.

Sincerely,
Someone who's going to disconnect the cable

Dear Disconnect:

First of all, the reason why this show is "campy" is because it was originally produced in the 80s, the era of all things campy, cheesy and over the top.

Second, the gladiators are meant to be large and creepy. This gives the viewing public all the more reason to root for the little (i.e. non-steroidal) guy or the underdog if you will.

Most importantly, the show is hosted by Hulk Hogan. How can you not watch it? Doesn't the mere sight of him bring back all sorts of happy childhood memories?

On a quasi-related tangent, Dish used to love WWF wrestling back in the day. She even had one of those puppets of Hulk Hogan with the plastic head and cloth body and plastic boxing-gloved hands that had a mechanism inside that made his fists punch. In Grade 7 French class, Dish had to read a book called Aller Retour in which the main character's uncle beats him. Dish and her friend then had to do a presentation in class about the book. They chose to do a rap/puppet show (together at last) about the book to the background music of Parents Just Don't Understand starring the Hulk Hogan puppet as the abusive uncle.

To answer your question, clearly you are not a child of the 80s. If you were, you would be able to love American Gladiators. Since this was a fabulous time to be alive, I therefore suggest you try to embrace all things 80s. Well, maybe some fashion trends could be avoided, but there is plenty of enjoyment to be had from the music, television and movies.

Since Singles Awareness Day/Valentines Day is rapidly approaching and since Def Leppard and Styx are coming to town in the near future, I suggest you begin by watching the videos of Love Bites and Babe to get you in the right mood.

Do it.
Dish

The Main Dish