u The Main Dish: June 2006

The Main Dish

Looking for the Spoon...

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Safety First...On citizenship

With Canada Day rapidly approaching, I thought this might be a good time for us all to learn about how to be good citizens. Enjoy!

Good citizens of a school help to take care of the school. They do not throw papers all around. And if they see anybody drop anything, they ask him to pick it up because it spoils the looks of the school. (Apparently good citizens are also the ones who get beaten to a bloody pulp when the teacher is not looking.)

The good citizens of a school want the school to be more beautiful. They think of ways to make their school look nice.

Good citizens of a school want everyone there to have a fair chance to work or play. They want fair play in class and on the playground.

Good citizens do their jobs. Each one makes the school a finer school by learning his lessons as well as he possibly can.

Good citizens look after the health and safety of others. They help to prevent accidents. They help with first aid. They do not bring cold germs to school. They keep their handkerchiefs ironed.

A good citizen fights germs.

Every citizen has a job of being a good citizen every day. The grocer is a good citizen by being a very good grocer every day. The bus-driver tries to be a good citizen by being the best bus-driver he knows how to be. The man in the garage tries to be a good citizen by being the best garage man he can possibly be. Each man is being the best citizen by doing his best at his job. The mothers too are good citizens by being the best mothers they know how to be... We can all be good citizens by doing our jobs the best we can.

The feminist in me itches to say something about the fact that women only get to be mothers, but it is getting late, so I will let it slide.

Michelle, if you are reading while off on your exciting European adventures, I was the only one on our team at work today. And I have been deemed worthy to start translating CUBS. I am getting closer to the front of the short bus with every passing day. ;o)

posted by Dish @ 10:12 PM 1 comments

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Happy Birthday to my Future Husband

John Cusack: Born this day in 1966 in Evanston, Illinois. Hard to believe that he is turning 40 today. Exactly 10 years older than me, but don't worry, it does not dissuade me in the least. My love for JC goes back even farther than my love for Johnny. I was totally won over by films such as One Crazy Summer, Better Off Dead and Say Anything. Also, I both love and hate the fact that he tries as much as possible to stay out of the spotlight and keep his personal life personal.

Keep your eyes open for a couple of films due out in 2006 - Martian Child and The Contract.

Some thoughts from the man himself:

On computers...

"I call my assistant all the time and say, ‘My computer’s down. Can you have someone come fix it?’ And then she comes by and they turn it on, and that was the problem with the computer. So I’’m not really that good with it."

On Internet dating...

"I don’’t want to get a date online. I’m trying to think of what I would put online. I’d probably put something just really funny and absurd, and then if somebody approached me with something that was equally funny, then I would know I would like them. I would try to be funny, and then if someone was funny back I would think, ‘Oh, there must be something interesting there.’ What would I put? ‘Nice person, sometimes brooding, sometimes nice.’"

On the British...

"The British keep employing me, and that makes me like them. It also makes me think they're very intelligent. "

And a couple of other random thoughts...

"I was a teen star. That's disgusting enough."

"Kitsch is more dangerous than it looks when taken to the extreme."

Devestatingly enough, blogger will not allow me to post a picture on this entry. V. annoying. Also, interesting news about John having a stalker (no, it's not me...).

posted by Dish @ 10:46 PM 4 comments

An E-mail from an Apparently Faithful and Somewhat Annoyed Reader

"Patricia, Please update your blog! Some of us are checking on it every 5 minutes. Proposed topic for your blog: The disgusting state of repair of the washrooms at the Rideau Centre."

First of all, I find it excessively strange when people actually call me Patricia. Unless of course it is my mother and I am in big trouble and my middle and last names are also tacked on there.

Second, aside from the fact that no human should ever be subject to the filth that is the Rideau Centre bathrooms, I have nothing to say about them.

Third, why is it that in the whole wide world of the Internet, the only pictures of mystery people I can find are men? I am not disclosing the gender of my anonymous reader, but as a feminist, I could not help but notice that there is a distinct lack of female mystery people out there and I, for one, protest!

posted by Dish @ 10:40 PM 4 comments

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Fatal Attraction

This evening I did something quite out of the ordinary for me and went to a museum. Right now, the Museum of Nature has an exhibit called Fatal Attraction, which takes a look at the "language of love" in the animal kingdom. They actually include human behaviour in the presentation, but don't worry, as it says on the web site, it is "tastefully" done.

Today we will go with the theory that every experience in life has a valuable lesson to teach. Here are some of the key take-home messages from Fatal Attraction:

* Please note that these are direct quotes from the signs in the exhibit. Emphasis added by me.

1) All over the world, individuals in every animal species must do what it takes to attract a mate.

2) To attract and charm can be a risky business. Imposters are never far away either. You will lose to the clever imitators. Fortunately, that doesn't happen too often.

3) Arranging a secret tryst has never been so difficult - nor so fraught with danger.

4) Trying to attract a mate by some form of signal is a dangerous business with so many potential predators and rivals afoot. Observe how to deal with the compromise between attractiveness and conspicuousness.

I have to say, practical and helpful tips aside, one of the funniest moments of this excursion came when finding out how an ostrich attracts a mate. There was an educational video depicting the male ostrich doing an elaborate dance to get the attention of the female. As Jennie and I are watching the video, some random French man proceeds to round up everyone else in the room to come and watch it stating how fabulous it is. He then does a narration of the video, including soundtrack and various other sound effects. Tonight, the male ostrich was lucky enough to get to do his dance to the Doors, "Light my Fire". Also, his summary comment "not much foreplay there." Too funny.

I love people who have something funny to say and are not concerned with manners and niceties and instead shout it out to the world, so we can all laugh at them...er...along with them! :o)

posted by Dish @ 10:15 PM 4 comments

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

The New Me

Say good-bye to feminist Dish. The new meek, submissive, man-loving, doormat Dish is here. Ok. So maybe not. I am still man-loving (only on a selective basis though - think Sister Suffragettes), but I don't know that I can truly buy into this who submissive business. I did debate the idea for oh about 3.14 seconds, which come to think of it is the approximate equivalent of pi, which makes me think of pie, which makes me think of other delicious things to eat, which really just brings me back to the kitchen again. Ok. I give up.

Goodbye feminism. Hello kitchen wench.

But, if I am going to truly embrace this lifestyle, I will have to make the most of it. I will therefore have to develop a series of rules for making life in the kitchen a more pleasant and enjoyable experience.

Nah. Screw it. Instead, I will develop a list of rules for getting your menions to do what you want. Welcome back, Goddess Dish. It was scary while you were away.

Even more scary is that I keep referring to myself as though I have multiple personality disorder or something.

On to the important information...

Rule #1

If you need something done, always mention it to more than one menion. Tell Menion A that Menion B has offered to do the job and vice versa. The menion who loves you best, or worships you more, will not want to be outdone and will rush to get the job done. This saves you time, while adding an element of competition. Men like that. And we don't want to be selfish, now do we?

Rule #2

Don't give away all the rules or it could lead to a menion revolt. Or, everyone will start to think that they can train menions too and then there will be too much competition.

Sorry girls. That's all you get for now. Maybe forever. Mwahahaha....

posted by Dish @ 10:34 PM 6 comments

Safety First...On Smoking and Drugs

Smoking

Many grown-up persons smoke tobacco. They have got into the habit, and they do not feel that it hurts them. The first time they smoked, the poison in the tobacco, called nicotine, may have made them feel very sick. Since then their bodies may have become used to the nicotine, but the nicotine still continues to act as a poison.

It is a good business not to get the smoking habit.

Drugs

Habit-forming drugs are enemies of all bodies. Keep away from enemies of the body. If you want to be the finest person, the most successful person, and the happiest person that you can be, you must be careful to follow the simple rules for good health.

It talks about smoking and drugs, but doesn't mention anything about not smoking drugs. Maybe they just expect you to put 2 and 2 together.

I'm not a druggie. I only smoked hash before I went to work, not on the job.

posted by Dish @ 10:03 PM 1 comments

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Safety First...On Colds

You Can't Catch Me

Use your own paper handkerchief. Place the used paper handkerchiefs in a paper bags so that they can be burned later. Please note (Handsome Pete, this means even you!): This appears to be an exception to the ironed handkerchief rule.

If there is someone in your house who has a catching disease, you can protect others from catching the disease if you will stay in your own house and away from other people. Be as cheerful about it as you can. Remember that you are helping to protect yourself and your friends from getting the sickness.

I guess the moral of this story is that no one likes the whiny sick person. I guess I am totally out of luck, bc one of my favourite things to do when I am sick is to moan "poor me!" ad nauseum. ;o)

When we keep our houses too hot, we take cold too easily.

There must be no flies in the sickroom, for they carry germs on their feet. Those darn flies! Help the Board of Health and kill them all. Kill! Kill! Kill!

When you see the word health, you often see the word happiness. The two words seem to belong together. Health helps everyone to be happy. Awwww...

posted by Dish @ 10:15 PM 0 comments

Book Review: A Clash of Kings

Finished this one just recently. This is Book 2 in George R. R. Martin's Song of Ice and Fire series. You can read a review of Book 1 - A Game of Thrones - here. So far, the series is still quite good.

In A Clash of Kings, six factions are struggling for control of the Seven Kingdoms, a land which was once united but recently has been torn apart by war. This book continues the development of the characters you grew to love in the first book and even focuses a bit more on characters who were more secondary in the first book.

This one wasn't as quick of a read as the first book. As with most novels in fantasy series, it tends to get a bit bogged down in the details of politics and war (not nearly as bad as the middle books in the Sword of Truth series though...that was brutal!) Anyway, it really picked up again near the end and was definitely well worth the read.

Just one question: Why is it that every fantasy series I read seems to somehow involve wolves. Men who love wolves, or turn into wolves, wolves, wolves, wolves. Is that some unwritten fantasy book rule or something?

Anyway, this book is great. Nerds unite! I finally publicly admit to my love for the type of literature that calls to the male nerd everywhere...

posted by Dish @ 10:05 PM 2 comments

Monday, June 12, 2006

Safety Every Day...On Fingernails, Skin and Teeth

Fingernails

When you bite your nails, you take into your mouth the dirt and germs that have collected under your nails...Dirty nails are surely germ catchers.

Always look at your nails before you leave home to make sure that they are clean. Clean your nails at home and not before other persons.

Skin

Would it not be wonderful to have a coat that mended itself? Surely skin is a wonderful material.

Teeth

"I don’t care if I have crooked teeth. It doesn’t matter with a boy." The doctor laughed, but Mother did not.

If, in spite of the best care, a tooth comes in crooked, you should see a dentist at once.

Tartar may make your gums sore. It makes your teeth ugly to look at.

posted by Dish @ 10:15 PM 1 comments

Friday, June 09, 2006

Feminist No More?

Yesterday one of my friends came over to help me put my air conditioner in. He carried it up all those flights of stairs from the basement quite effortlessly (or so it seemed). Meanwhile, last fall, Jennie and I tried to remove said air conditioner and carry it down to the basement and nearly killed ourselves in the process.

Later, as I was debating what sort of treat I could make him to thank him for his efforts, the following occurred to me: I pride myself on my feminist ways and yet I call upon a man to do my heavy lifting and then I head to the kitchen to provide him with baked goods as recompense?

I have visions of Mount Saint Vincent University striking me from their list of alumni. I am hanging my head in shame.

posted by Dish @ 5:00 PM 5 comments

Bonne Fête Johnny!

Johnny Depp: Born this day in 1963 and the world became a far better place. Really, it all began in 1984 with a cut-off football shirt when he had his film debut as Glen in Nightmare on Elm Street. If only the unfortunate water bed scene did not have to occur.

Anyway, here are some quotable quotes from the great and ever beautiful man himself:

I was ecstatic when they re-named 'French Fries' as 'Freedom Fries.' Grown men and women in positions of power in the U.S. government showing themselves as idiots.

When kids hit 1 year old, it's like hanging out with a miniature drunk. You have to hold onto them. They bump into things. They laugh and cry. They urinate. They vomit.

I don't pretend to be captain weird. I just do what I do.

The only gossip I'm interested in is things from the Weekly World News - 'Woman's bra bursts, 11 injured'. That kind of thing.

Captain Jack Sparrow is like a cross between Keith Richards and Pepe Le Pew.

I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.

posted by Dish @ 4:55 PM 0 comments

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Safety Every Day...On Sex

By request today we will see what Safety Every Day has to say about safe sex. Oh wait. That's right. Safety Every Day is a CHILDREN'S book. Sheesh. Also, it was written in 1941 when people didn't have sex. ;o)

I assume most of the readers out there should know all this safe sex stuff by now. If you buy into the Canadian Federation for Planned Parenthood's theory, really there is no such thing as safe sex, just ways to practise SAFER sex. I'll let them teach you guys all about it.

As for me, I will leave you with this important fact about splinters:

"Animals can be dangerous, but a splinter can be dangerous, too, if it is not taken care of right."

posted by Dish @ 10:40 PM 1 comments

Safety Every Day...On Ears and Noses

In the passageway of the outer ear there is often a soft yellow material called wax. This wax often prevents small insects from crawling down the passageway and hurting the eardrum.

Something to fear more than monsters under your bed or in your closet is insects lined up waiting to crawl into your ear.

A bad odor may be a warning of danger. It would not be safe to eat food that had a bad odor.

A good sense of smell helps to protect you from danger.

Picking your nose with your fingers is not a clean habit. If you must clean your nose, use a clean handkerchief. Always use your own handkerchief. Make sure it is ironed.

posted by Dish @ 10:25 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Safety Every Day...On Eating

A poor breakfast:

Sweet roll with raisins
Coffee with milk and sugar

A poor lunch:

Frankfurter with roll
Soda pop
Banana
Candy bar (milk chocolate)

What did the poor banana do to get lumped in with the nitrate group? Poor banana. And my favourite part:

You might also...try eating prunes, or figs, or dates. Some children like them better than candy.

You could search the world over and be hard pressed to find any kid who, given the choice between a fig and a chocolate bar, would choose the fig. Come on! That's pushing it. Even for 1941! You couldn't even get me to accept fig newtons as real cookies when I was a kid!

posted by Dish @ 10:18 PM 3 comments

Safety Every Day...On Eye Care

This one is dedicated to my long-found friend Jennie Pinkeye.

Have you ever had pinkeye? Pinkeye is an eye disease caused by a germ. Pinkeye is a catching disease. Germs may get into your eyes if you rub your eyes with your fingers or with an unclean handkerchief or towel. Think of all the things you touch with your hands. You cannot see the germ which may be on the doorknob you turn, the desk you open or close, or the hand you shake. To be on the safe side, never rub your eyes with your fingers.

It is a good habit to put a clean handkerchief in your pocket every day. It is often dangerous to use a towel that has been used by other people. The persons who used the towel may have left germs on it. Use only your own clean towel and washcloth.

It all comes down to the handkerchief...does it only have to be ironed for burn treatment?

posted by Dish @ 10:17 PM 2 comments

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Safety Every Day...On Clothing

Your underclothes, which are next to your skin, are always taking up perspiration. The perspiration dries so fast that it may not make your underclothes feel damp. But dried perspiration does not have a pleasant odor. When you take a bath, put on clean underclothes to wear next to your clean skin.

If you wash your stockings every night before you go to bed and hang them up, you can put on clean stockings each morning. Because your feet may perspire freely, it is a good health habit to wash your feet every day.

posted by Dish @ 9:44 PM 1 comments

Safety Every Day...On Sun Safety

The first day go out into the sun for only ten minutes. Stay five minutes longer each day until the skin is tanned. If you know that you are going to be out in the sun longer than ten minutes, you can take a towel or bathrobe to protect your skin. Oils and cold cream help to protect the skin from the hot sun. If you are unlucky enough to get a painful sunburn, a good first-aid mixture to help ease the pain is baking soda and water placed on the skin.

So remember kids, lube yourself up with oil and before you go out into the sun, for safety's sake. And be sure to bring your bathrobe along with you when doing all those summer activities like biking, rollerblading, playing beach volleyball, etc. It's for your own protection.

posted by Dish @ 9:37 PM 1 comments

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Safety Every Day...On Dog Bites and Burns

My comments are in italics. The rest is quotes.

Dog Bites:

If a dog bites you, do not get excited. Go to a doctor at once. Do just as he tells you. He will report the case to the board of health.

Safety and First Aid With Campfires: (This one sounds dirty to me.)

One time a boy saved a girl's life because he had been a football player and knew how to tackle. The girl went to near the fire. Her skirt caught fire. She screamed and started to run. The boy knew what to do. He ran after her, caught her, and threw her down on the ground. Then he quickly took off his coat and rolled her in it. The fire in her dress was smothered out.

If the skin is burned, the best first aid is to apply clean gauze or a freshly ironed handkerchief wet with baking soda and water.

Do not dare to put a wrinkled handkerchief on the burn. And don't worry about if it is clean or not. Just make sure it is wrinkle free. Handsome Pete, I hear you are good with an iron. Can you help out? ;o)

posted by Dish @ 8:48 PM 5 comments