The Main Dish: October 2006

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Shout Outs

Thanks to Ford Prefect (aka Duncan) for another fun Halloween party. One small complaint: Was it just me or was that granny beyond creepy?! It really got disturbing when he/she was trying to tickle my feet with a peacock feather. Eep!

Also, many thanks go out to Michelle, my fabulous new seamstress. Without her, my post-shame Eve costume would not have been the same. Michelle, you are a wonder with polar fleece. :o)

I also have to give Michelle credit (?) for introducing me to one of the most horrific yet hilarious cds of all time -- Paul Anka, Rock Swings. This cd is like a car wreck for your ears. You can't bear to listen, yet you can't seem to stop yourself either. Basically on this cd Paul Anka takes some of our favorite rock hits and turns them into something utterly unspeakable. He puts everything to jazzy music. You are listening and thinking "this sounds oddly familiar" but there's something not quite right. It's your favourite rock songs turned into something worse than elevator music. Trust me. It's possible. And yet, there is something that makes you keep listening...

Don't just take my word for it. Get the cd yourself and listen to how Paul Anka desecrates hits such as Survivor's EYE OF THE TIGER (this was the most painful to accept - no one is dropping to do push-ups to this version), Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit, Van Halen's Jump (envision the opening using Big Band trumpets) and many more. He even does the Cure's Lovecats. How does Paul Anka even know the song Lovecats?! And why did he have to do this to it?! WHY oh why?!!

The other question is: Why did the artists give him the rights to cover these songs? What could they have possibly be thinking? Even my own precious Clapton gave in to Paul Anka's crazy whims and let him cover Tears in Heaven. I am sorry but I will NEVER understand this. NEVER.

It helps nothing that Paul Anka is beyond scary looking on the album cover.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Bah

It has taken me years of mixing and matching hair products to finally achieve the perfect combination. It had everything. Nice smell, effective results. Now, in an instant it has all been snatched out of my hands. My shampoo, conditioner and hair straightener have all been discontinued!!! Why is this happening to me??!!!! WHY??!! :o(

If anyone knows a good straightening balm that is not too heavy, please, send your suggestions my way!! Otherwise I will be destined to a life of frizzy curls! Au secours!

Hygiene

I was driving down O'Connor today and stopped at a red light. I was trying to turn right on Catherine and was looking out the driver's side window to watch for possible openings in traffic. This is when I noticed that the middle-aged woman (who really has no excuse for not knowing better) was PICKING HER NOSE AND EATING IT! I kid you not. I was completely disgusted! And, she was not in the least bit dissuaded in her pursuit by the fact that I was looking right at her!

Ugh! The horror of it all! She obviously did NOT read Safety Every Day where we clearly learned that "picking your nose with your fingers is a dirty habit." Let's face it. The ironed handkerchief is the least of this woman's worries.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Dear Dish on Menions Who Are Out of Line

Dear Dishing with the Dish,

I have a problem with my menion. He has taken to saying "no" to me at every request. For example, we could be grocery shopping and I will say that I want cookies in my order and he will say no and take the cookies out of my cart. Or I will say I want ice cream and he will say no and refuse to take me to get said ice cream. He says it is because he cares and does not want me eating fattening foods. I say, what is the point of living without cookies and ice cream?

How can I correct this abhorrent behaviour in my menion?

Signed,

My Misbehaving Menion

Dear Triple M:

Is the menion really to blame here? Or did you just not train him properly? Do not fear. It is not too late. You just have to take control of this situation. This back talk must be nipped in the bud. Is he really thinking of your health, or does he just not want you to get fat? Menions who are trained well should love and adore no matter what your physical appearance. You either have to get this menion under control or cut him lose and start fresh.

The next time he tries to curb your eating habits, you must clearly state that his behaviour is inappropriate. It helps if your firm words are accompanied by a steely gaze. With time, you should be able to get to the point where you can raise your eyebrows and your menion will be able to interpret this as a signal that he has stepped out of line. If times are really tough, and if you must, scream out in the grocery store, as loudly as you can, "YOU THINK I’M FAT!!!" Believe me. Menions do NOT like this.

A menion’s duty is to worship, not to voice opinions. It may take time to correct his abhorrent behaviour, but hopefully in the end it will be worth it.

Good luck!

Dish

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Dear Dish on Financial Planning

Dear Dish,

I love chips. I mean, I LOVE chips. I try not to buy them when I’’m shopping, cause I know they’’re bad for me, but what ends up happening is that I dream about them on the bus on the way home (literally), and inevitably stop at a convenience store, telling myself that I’’ll only have a few before dinner. Let’’s be honest; those chips end up AS my dinner 10 times out of 10. I have a disease.

My question is this: is it better for me to pay off my student loan entirely BEFORE I start investing in RSPs and saving for a house, or should I just keep paying the minimum amount on my loan as the interest rate is so low?

Signed,
Financially inept

Dear Financially inept:

It is never too early to start thinking about retirement. The sooner you can retire the better. Work is for suckers. Put at least some money in RRSPs.

Also, please stop bad mouthing chips. You are upsetting me. Chips are chock full of vitamin C and therefore a perfectly healthy dinner.

Dish

Monday, October 23, 2006

Dear Dish on Potassium Benzoate

Dear Dish,

I've been known to enjoy a Simpsons quote or two, but now they seem to be running my life. Take the quote below:

Homer: Do you sell toys?
Shopkeep: We sell forbidden objects from places men fear to tread. We also sell frozen yogurt, which I call frogurt.
Homer: Well I need something for my son's birthday.
Shopkeep: Ah, perhaps this will please the gentleman (points to a talking Krusty the Clown doll). Take this object, but beware - it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Oh, that's bad.
Shopkeep: But it comes with a free frogurt.
Homer: That's good.
Shopkeep: The frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Shopkeep: But you get your choice of topping.
Homer: That's good.
Shopkeep: The toppings contain potassium benzoate.
Homer: (blank stare)
Shopkeep: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?

I bought some hummus the other day and I looked at the ingredient list - and low, and behold! - it had potassium benzoate in it "(to preserve freshness)" it says in brackets on the ingredient list. Well, thanks, now it's okay since you gave me the reason why you're poisoning me. Now I have an aversion to the hummus because of the dreaded potassium benzoate.

My question is: should I eat the hummus? Is the potassium benzoate really that bad for you? Should I stop paying attention to Simpsons quotes?

Signed,
Questioning the Potassium Benzoate Status Quo

Dear Questioning:

Potassium benzoate is a food preservative that is used to inhibit the growth of yeasts and molds. Officially, it has been approved for use in Canada and the United States. The European Union has also approved it, but recommends that it not be consumed by children (this alone should set off some alarm bells).

Potassium benzoate itself is not dangerous; however, when it is combined with ascorbic acid (aka vitamin C) and sodium, potassium benzoate has been known to form benzene, which is a cancer-causing agent. Currently, the FDA is allegedly doing tests to determine how worried we ought to be about this sort of thing.

I advise a moderate amount of alarm. Generally speaking, Canada does not tend to approve food additives willy nilly like the U.S.A is prone to do. However, in this columnist's opinion, the FDA is a sketchy operation. I have heard so many horror stories that I basically have to attempt to turn my brain off before eating in the good old United States of America. And, please, don't even get me started on the FDA breast implant scandal. But I digress.

Like I said, testing it being done. It is currently believed that heat, light and shelf life are factors that may affect potassium benzoate’s transformation into benzene. It seems a tad ironic that the longer this food additive, which, let us not forget, is added specifically to extend a food’s shelf life, actually sits on the shelf, the greater the chance it will form cancer-causing agents. So, your food may be tasty and mold free, but the evil carcinogens are lurking quietly just beneath the surface.

I, for one, am a firm believer in the idea that by the time I have to worry about illnesses, such as heart disease and cancer, medical science will be advanced enough to easily fix my troubles. However, if you are of a less optimistic nature about such things, you may want to proceed with caution. Remember: the fresher, the better.

Dish

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Dear Dish on Bargains in the Work Place

Hello Dishing with the Dish/Trish,

I have an issue with my co-worker. I agreed, via email, that I would exchange 12 M&Ms (plain chocolate kind) for fake spider cobwebs to decorate my cubicle. I deliver the M&Ms (on a silver platter), this persons eats them, and then they proceed to magically forget that they don't have any cobwebs at all. Apparently he left them at somebody's house.

Am I unreasonable to demand that he goes to the convenience store and buys some so that he may follow through on the bargain? And go buy it *now* since I gave him the M&Ms *now* and didn't make them wait? I don't know if I can wait this long for fake spider cobwebs. I feel cheated.

Sincerely,

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

Your first mistake was agreeing to trade valuable chocolate for useless fake spider webs.

Your second mistake was making a deal with a male co-worker. I hate to say it, but men are infamous for their lack of reliability when it comes to making bargains. I do give you some credit for at least getting the deal in writing, but next time it should be signed in blood or you should make sure that the exchange of goods/services is timed more carefully.

In order to resolve your current predicament, I suggest the following: Conveniently forget your lunch and your wallet. Ask the co-worker in question if you can borrow some money. Put on your best pouty/hungry face so that he won't in good conscience be able to say no. Take the money and go buy spider webs (or replacement chocolate). When said co-worker asks you to repay the loan, deduct the cost of the spider webs from the repayment. Whatever you do, don't allow him to charge you interest on the loan or you will end up in an even worse quandary.

In the future, I urge you never to trust men. They are evil, devil's spawn.

Dish

Monday, October 16, 2006

Be prepared

I recently watched the movie Hoodwinked. This was the definitely the funniest part. The highlight of the movie really. You don't even really need to see the rest of it. I laugh every time I watch this.

Dear Dish on High School

Dear Dishing with the Trish:

I've been very impressed with the advice you've been providing. I've read it over several times and sometimes can pick up messages about conspiracies that you talk about between the lines. So my question for you is: what did you write in your high school yearbook?

Sister Merry Kerry

Dear Sister MK:

Unfortunately, you will have to bide your time on this response. My high school year book is in a box in the basement at my parent's house in PEI. Rest assured that you will receive the answer to your question sometime after Christmas. Patience is a virtue.

Dish

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Dear Dish on Honesty

Dear Dish:

I am always wanting to have the new toys out on the block - whether it be a new gadget, a new CD, a new book by the Dish (hint hint). My wife doesn't really care about this habit or how I come across extra money. To feed this habit, I sell myself for a variety of uses, whether it be for fulfilling needs of Gatineau cougars, favours needed by the opposite gender (in bed), mowing lawns, being stunt doubles in adult films, cleaning up the back room in the Adult video store.

My question is, if I'm mowing someone else's lawn and I stumble upon a quarter, am I allowed to take it?

Righteous Partaker Matrimony

Dear Righteous Partaker

First and foremost, congratulations on your imaginative money-making solutions. I applaud your creativity.

Second, with regard to your question about finding a quarter on someone’s lawn, the Main Dish is a firm believer in honesty being the best policy. It all starts with a quarter. If it is ok to take the quarter, would it then be ok to take a five-dollar bill, a twenty, one hundred? Where do you draw the line? Your best bet is to approach the owner of the property and ask if said quarter belongs to him or her. Who knows? You may be rewarded and allowed to keep 10%, or maybe even the whole thing! A penny saved is a penny earned. If the quarter does not belong to the owner, try your best to locate the rightful owner. Try putting up signs or flyers. Maybe offer a reward. Remember, if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

If however, neither of these tactics works and you are not motivated by clichés, remember the wise words of George Carlin (best known to all of us as Rufus from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure): Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Dear Dish on Table Manners

Dear Dish:

I have this friend who is very dear to me, but what I can't stand is when they slurp up spaghetti like they are a dog. They just put the noodles in their mouth and go to town with a slurping sound and the pasta sauce sometimes splashes over to my side of the table. How do I stop this madness?

Name withheld

Dear Reader:

Was your friend raised in a barn? Obviously he (I will assume this friend is male because generally speaking most women know better) does not know even basic table manners. The only thing that can be done in this situation is to tell your friend about his or her abominable table manners. Trust me. You will be doing both your friend and yourself a favour. Your friend will then be able to show his face in public instead of hiding in embarrassment for being the slovenly pig that he is and you will be able to enjoy your meal in peace.

There are differing schools of thought on the right way to eat spaghetti. In some circles, it is appropriate to guide the twirling of the noodles with a spoon. Apparently in Italy such a concept is outrageous and unheard of. You may want to suggest that your friend cut the noodles a little before eating them. He should guide any hanging noodles to his mouth with a fork. HE MUST NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES SLURP THE NOODLES!

If you are too shy to broach this topic with your friend, try showing him this column. If his behaviour does not change, you might want to try telling him that no girl will want to go out with him if he continues his disgusting behaviour. Or, alternatively, you may want to only cook short noodles that don't involve twirling and cannot be slurped, such as rotini or penne. Finally, if all else fails, I suggest you begin wearing a special eating shirt to the table to protect your clothing, and possibly even a pair of goggles to protect your eyes from flying sauce. After all, nothing is more precious than your eyesight.

Good luck!

Dish

Dear Dish on Dry Cleaning

Dear Dish:

When clothing says "Dry Clean Only", does it really mean dry clean only? Can't one get away with washing it in cold, and then airdrying it? As a lazy person who doesn't want to dry clean anything, general guidelines would be good. I mean, what can the dry cleaners possible do that commoners can't? Do they take the dry cleaning to some miraculous place in the sky? Is it a mass conspiracy and they throw it in a washer and dryer in the back? What is your opinion Dishing with Trish?

Dear Loyal Fan:

Lucky for you, I was forced to take many a textiles course as part of my science degree in order to make me well rounded.

The first thing to do when dealing with "dry clean only" clothing is to check the tag. Find out what the item is made of.

Do not under any circumstances wash anything made of rayon or a rayon blend. Water attracts to the fibres in rayon and you will end up with a horrible crinkly mess when you used to have a beautiful shirt. Trust me on this one. Don't do it!

I have handwashed silks. I just reshape the item before lying it flat to dry. All of my wool sweaters get thrown in the washer on delicate in COLD water. Again, reshape and lay flat to dry.

Any expensive items that say "dry clean only", get dry cleaned just to be on the safe side. For instance, it might be possible to wash my wool coat, but I don't want to find out the hard way that it is not. In that sort of situation, I just suck it up and spend the money on dry cleaning.

As for whether or not the dry cleaners are part of a mass conspiracy, of course they are. If you ever suspect a conspiracy, chances are it is true fact. Wikipedia can enlighten us on what the dry cleaners tell the masses that they really do behind the scenes.

With regard to your comment about commoners, I suggest you listen to William Shatner's version of Common People. It has nothing to do with dry cleaning, but is a fabulous song nonetheless.

Dish

A First Question for Dear Dish

Good Morning Dishing with Trish,

I have a problem. My roommate always leaves the toilet seat up. But I'm passive aggressive and avoid confrontation if at all possible. Also, I leave my room unattended while I'm at work as well as my groceries in the fridge. I don't want to encourage any sort of all out roomate-vs-roomate war. And I'm also having paranoid dreams at night too. Help!

Signed,

Anonymous Disgruntled Dreamer

Dear Disgruntled Dreamer:

Obviously you have learned nothing about turning men into menions. Tsk tsk. This is a skill you must work on perfecting. It would help you avoid inconvenient situations such as this one. If you were to talk to your roommate about the problems listed above and suggest possible compromises, it would go against who you are. You wouldn't be being true to yourself. Instead, I suggest you embrace your passive agressive nature. Put a padlock on the fridge and on your room door. Put one on the bathroom door as well. When the roommate in question asks you what is going on, feign ignorance of the entire situation. Go about your business happily and cheerfully knowing that your possessions are safe and sound. Humming or whistling can only help.

As for the paranoid dreams, this is normal and healthy. Try applying these dreams to your every day life. You will never again experience a dull moment.

Dish

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Dishin with the Main Dish

I have been told on more than one occasion that I am a good judge of character and give good advice. Usually I am called upon to provide my two cents on troubles in the boy/girl, work, school, etc. departments. Lately though, I have been getting asked advice on some really unusual topics, for instance: violation of copyright laws/plagiarism, the nutritional content of soda water, my opinion of a story about a childhood cat written in French, alien abduction and various other topics.

All in all, I've decided that it is kind of fun to be asked strange, weird and wonderful questions. So, should the urge take you, send any random questions (fictional, truthful, part way in between) to me by email or post them in the comments section of the blog and I will do my best to answer them "Dear Abby" or "Dear Dish" style on my blog.

Newest Trend

Apparently, deep-fried turkey is the newest trend! On tomorrow night's news, Global will teach us how to deep fry a turkey safely (i.e. avoid giving yourself 3rd degree burns from the huge bubbling pot of boiling oil). Mike and Ryan - I am so proud of you for being such great trend setters. :o)

Monday, October 02, 2006

Stream of Consciousness

Last week's appointment at Appletree was rescheduled for tomorrow at 2:30 p.m. Got home today to a message telling me that my appointment has been cancelled again. Honestly, I don't know why I bother. I can't even summon up any rage. Not even a teeny bit of anger. All I feel is disgust. Can't feel my toes? I no longer care. I am done with this whole doctor business. Done.

The moussaka is finally done. Conclusion: Moussaka = way too labour intensive in relation to the tastiness of the end product. Well, the recipe I used anyway. It took me all nite and in the end all I can say about is 'meh'.

Thank you Ferda and Jen for the delicious oatmeal cookie recipe. And thank you bulk barn for putting your dried cranberries on sale this week. I would have starved to death waiting for the above moussaka to cook if I hadn't had these delicious cookies to get me through. Moussaka is one of those words that sounds funnier and funnier the more you say it. Or maybe I am just getting tired.

The thought of marriage also makes me tired. From the things I have heard recently from various sources, I now fear marriage. Seemingly ordinary people become people you don't even know any more. Or maybe guys don't do the same scary things girls do. Yes, I realize that with that line I am leaving myself wide open for critics of my generally feminist ways, but honestly, today is such an apathetic day, I can't bring myself to care. I will just have to deal with doing damage control later. ;o) I am just amazed by the secret agendas people have.

Speaking of secrets, I like that Carly Simon has never revealed who the song "You're so Vain" is about even after all these years. I also like it because it has the line: "Then you flew your Lear jet up to Nova Scotia to see the total eclipse of the sun."

I want to go to Nova Scotia for Rachel's b-day/Halloween, but I can't rationalize the expenditure. I guess I will have to content myself with going home for Christmas, which reminds me that the whole reason I got on the computer in the first place was to try to find myself a plane ticket to get my butt home to the Maritimes for the festive season.

The Main Dish